Dan Carcillo is a Poor Man's Sean Avery

According to several Flyers beat writers, forward Danny Carcillo will be inserted back into the lineup for Game Two of the Stanley Cup Finals against the Chicago Blackhawks Monday night at the United Center. Carcillo has been a healthy scratch since Game Four of the Eastern Conference Finals when Peter Laviolette took him out of the lineup for the return of Jeff Carter. The decision to remove Carcillo from the lineup was one that I never understood because he’s an important piece to the puzzle with the energy he brings each night.

Long story short. He's not as good as Sean Avery and he's definitely not as good looking as Sean Avery. Yeah, Avery is gonna pick on your goal scorers but he's not gonna fight and attack them like Carcillo does. He's just a pest.  And not the cute, cuddly pest that you wanna take home to mom like me and hope you can change for the better. He's the ugly, I wanna punch you so hard in the face that it'll kill your whole family kind of pest.

I Want To Go To This Party

Another big name wants in on the upcoming NBA free-agent superstar summit. Amare Stoudemire, who is likely to opt out of the final year of his current contract, told AOL Fanhouse that he expects to join in talks with LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Joe Johnson before free agency begins on July 1. "I'm friends with LeBron, Dwyane, Chris [Bosh] -- all those guys are friends of mine," Stoudemire told AOL Fanhouse. "So I'm pretty sure they'll call me and we'll talk about a few things." Wade told the Chicago Tribune last week that he planned to talk with James and Johnson before making a decision on where he would sign this summer. A source told ESPN The Magazine's Chris Broussard that Bosh also would be part of those talks.

I might be the smallest guy there but that's not any different from my actual life so count me at this bro fest.  Just imagining this get together gets me all sorts of excited. I bet it's gonna start out civilized with the guys actually talking business but then Amare will pop a bottle and that's when things are gonna get real fucking crazy, real fucking fast. They start wagering what teams they're gonna join by what drinking games they win. Wade hits game cup and tells Bosh that he's gotta join him in Miami while Joe Johnson is hammered and makes some comment to Lebron about Delonte West banging his mom and any hope of Chicago getting James and Johnson on the team is shattered. And if you don't think any of this is realistic then you haven't sat around one night with 12 guys and bottles of alcohol. Things happen. Lives change.

Girl Gets Burned By The Slide Instead of The Climb.

DES MOINES, Iowa -- An 18-month-old girl suffered second-degree burns to her hands, knees and stomach after going down a hot plastic slide at a Des Moines playground. Madyson Gomez was playing at Brook Run Park on Wednesday afternoon when she began screaming."I ran over there and she was on there for less than a minute and I went over and by the time I got over to her she actually lost it and went down and that's how she got the burn on her stomach," baby sitter Kerry Welch said.Welch took Madyson to the hospital, where Madyson was met by her mother."She had about golf ball-sized blisters on both of her hands," Nicole Hollingshead said.Hollingshead said she couldn't believe a slide could burn a child so badly, so she went to the park to check it out herself."I was just even more dumbfounded when I saw it was a plastic slide," she said. "I said, 'Oh my God, something has to be wrong with the slide. Maybe it was defective material.' Aren't they supposed to be heat resistant?"

First off let's cut the shit with the whole 18 month old girl. She's 1 and a half years old. Why try to make the kid sound younger than she actually is? It's time to start taking responsibility for your actions, bitch. You're on earth for over year then it's go time. The cord has already been cut. Now I may be old and wise beyond my years but one thing I remember about slides is you do the touch test before you plop your ass on it and go for a ride. It's common sense. You make your 35 year old pitcher take a physical before a new contract, check the cheese for mold after a week and you certainly put your hand on the fucking slide to see if it's hot. Wake the fuck up. It 'aint rocket science, baby girl. And is this mom serious? She was shocked when she found out the slide was plastic. Really? You really think plastic is heat resistant? I can't defend that. I can't wait for when her kid knocks the pot off the stove and she comes out with something like, "What?!? Water boils?!?! But isn't that what snow is made out of?"

Memorial Halladay

Pretty much everyone on the planet knows that Roy Halladay threw a perfect game yesterday but not many know how rare what he did was. A perfect game is a rare sporting event where both a pitcher and his fielders have to be flawless. A perfect game can have no hits, no walks and no errors. There have been 265 no-hitters but only 20 perfect games. Below are some stats about perfect games.


20 perfect games in MLB history
18 perfect games in the modern era (since 1900)
17 no-hitters since 2000 (not including a combined no-hitter by the Astros in 2003)
16 no-hitters have been broken up in the 9th or in extra-innings
14 strikeouts by Sandy Koufax (9-9-65), the most in a perfect game
13 seasons in the league for Halladay before he threw a no-hitter or perfect game
12 perfect games thrown by AL pitchers
11 thousand - perfect games occur once in about every 11,000 MLB games
10 months - span of time in which 3 perfect games have been thrown (Buehrle, Braden, Halladay)
9 perfect games since 1985
8 perfect games thrown by National League pitchers
7 times Halladay had a 3-ball count on batters
6 prefect games decided by a 1-0 score (Phillies beat the Marlins 1-0)
5 CY young winners have thrown perfect games (including Halladay)
4th perfect game of the decade
3 no-hitters have been throw before June for the 3rd time in MLB history (1917, 1969, 2010)
2nd time in MLB history that 2 perfect games have been thrown in the same season (and it's only May!)
1st time in MLB history that 3 perfect games have been thrown within a year of each other

You might begin to question the rarity of the perfect game considering 3 have been thrown in the past 10 months and only 17 were thrown in 129 years before that. Fear not. The perfect game is a unique blend of rarity and pressure on the pitcher that no other sports feat can match. The baseball gods are spoiling us right now, letting us witness 2 perfect games in the past 3 weeks, and we should be grateful for that.

Some other rare accomplishments in sports (and how many times they have been accomplished):
Perfect QB rating (NFL) - 35
Unassisted triple play (MLB) - 15
Double hat trick (NHL) - 7
2,000 yard rushers (NFL) - 6
Career grand slam (PGA) - 6
Career grand slam (Men's tennis) - 6
Quadruple double (NBA) - 4

US Soccer Teams Sneaks Away To South Africa

STERLING, Va. -- They don't make road trips like this anymore. It starts in summer and ends in winter, could last up to six weeks and, by the way, the whole world will be watching. There was plenty to think about Sunday as the U.S. team arrived at Dulles International Airport for the 17-hour flight to South Africa for the World Cup. "It starts to get real now, you know?" goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann said. Hahnemann and his teammates pulled off one final trick play before leaving U.S. soil: They went in through the "out" door. The team entered the airport through the arrivals area -- instead of departures -- and went straight through security, bypassing the South African Airways ticket counter -- where some employees had dressed in U.S. team jerseys -- and a handful of disappointed fans who hoped to wish the team well."I was hoping to see them," said Alan Muhealden of Centreville, Va., who wore his Landon Donovan jersey and waited 4 hours but didn't get to glimpse a single player. "I'm not too disappointed. I still support them."

Oh those sly dogs! Seriously why is this even a story? Is there really nothing else to talk about in US Soccer news? It's not shocking to hear that a team used an exit as an entrance because believed it or not, that's usually how Donahue has his gay sex but that's a different story for a different time. And why is the US team flying out of an airport? I don't think Lebron or Kobe had to ride US Air when they went into the olympics. It's the biggest sporting event in the world and we can't even send our guys out in a private jet and in style? The oil spill might be a big deal but sending Clint Dempsey out on Air Force One should've been on the top of Barack's to do list. 

Don't Look Now But Team Night Moves Just Took Over First Place

4 wins and 2 losses. Let's. Go.

Geneva Convention of Basketball

Dwayne Wade came out today and said he has talked to Lebron and Joe Johnson about meeting up to discuss their pending free agency. Now first thing that came to my mind was "who the fuck invited Joe Johnson?", but then secondly I thought, damn that's awesome. After Dwayne came out to mention this, Chris Bosh, who I think can be a better addition than Lebron to many teams, said he would also join. This is a great idea because just the idea of 3 superstars like that signing to one team is enough to make me get a semi-chubby (only the thought of Carmelo can give me a full chubby). So my hope is that all these guys are gonna go meet somewhere, roll like 25 blunts of the best kush they can find, and blaze it all up, most likely playing NBA 2k10, and talk about where they're going next year. Please invite me Dwayne.

This also got me thinking of what other celebrity hang out seshs would be the best.


Baseball: I'd love a game of The Show with Jeter and Manny, especially cause I'd beat Jeter's ass with the Sox. You know Jeter's gonna bring some hotties and you know Manny's gonna bring some weed. Could it be any better?


Football: 2 came to my mind immediately and they both played in the NFC Championship game last year. Drew Brees cause he's bringing some fine New Orleans poontang and Allen cause he isn't scared to fuck someone up in the club when they say something bad about that fine New Orleans poontang (also, watch this because Jared Allen is a hard-ass).


Golf: Tiger and John Daly. It needs no explanation.

I'm Not Blogging Until The Celtics Win.

You see that guy right there? That's gonna be me until the C's wake the fuck up and stomp on the throats of every Magic fan. I can't take it anymore. The last 2 games have been the most frustrating minutes of basketball I've ever watched. Just two different teams out there. No defense, no Rondo playing at full speed, no team basketball, and no wins. Can't close out a series by changing up your entire game plan mid playoffs.


P.S. What are the chances of Big Baby passing a neurological test today? Even without a concussion the guy is still 1/3 retarded.

Super Bowl Warming

The NFL recently voted to play the 2014 Super Bowl in New York. Our good friend Joey decided to write a little something about it and e-mail it to us. Here are his thoughts on the matter:

So on Super Bowl Sunday in 2014 New York City becomes the center of the media world… oh, wait… it already is? Shit. That’s no way to start my first article on this blog. Allow me to try again.


Dan Patrick loves it; Mike Golic hates it (probably because it doesn’t come deep fried). It is a cold weather Super Bowl. I personally don’t give two baht about it because IT really doesn’t matter and I’ll tell you why. Al Gore. Some say he is a conspiracy theorist that is hell bent on spreading a global panic about a few melanomas. Some say he is the greatest environmentalist since captain planet. I think he’s still pissed about getting f%#ed out of a presidency.

Maybe, just maybe though, Al Gore is the savior of the traditional warm weather Super Bowl. By any chance could he perhaps, possibly be on to something? He claims the o-zone has more holes than a set of fishnets on Jenna Jamison. He claims microwaves and radiation and something called chlorofluorocarbons tear through this o-zone layer thing like Ralphie goes through gift wrap on Christmas morning as he looks for his Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle. Well, good. Thanks Al Gore.

Forget the ice caps, water levels, and shore erosion. College students and their hot pockets have formed together to keep a capacity crowd warm at New Meadowlands Stadium. Some radio, print and television personalities have been heard grumbling that they won’t be able to sample the local fare on the beaches of Miami, Tampa or San Diego. That will no longer be the problem because Ellis Island will be filled with a plethora of bronze bodies, bikinis and the occasional old man in a Speedo (don’t forget, writers are in the entertainment business). I may even start a petition to give the statue of liberty a little more…what’s the word? Ah, yes, Liberty. That robe/toga has been played out since the forties. Maybe make her a little apparel a little more britneyesque.

So keep watching football, keep eating hot pockets and throw in the occasional hungry man, if you can handle it. Golic can.

RAAAAAAAANDY (with 8 A's)

If you have no idea what the hell the title of this post is talking about I suggest you take 10-15 minutes and watch all of these videos. You will not be disappointed.

1. Craigslist
2. Impressions
3. Shitlist.com
4. Jacuzzi
5. And the other videos here - Laughyourdickoff.com

Aziz Ansari played a character in Funny People named Randy and he made some videos after the film in character to post online. They are all absolutely hilarious. Any-who, Randy - I mean Aziz - is hosting the 2010 MTV Movie Awards this Sunday night and they have released a bunch of funny promos. I found this one especially funny -

MTV Shows

Aziz as host is guaranteed to be funny and I will tune in just for that. Here are my predictions for winners (because who doesn't love predictions?):

Best Movie - The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Best Male Performance - Taylor Lautner in The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Best Female Performance - Kristen Stewart in The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Breakthrough Performance - Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover
Best Villain - Tom Felton in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Best Comedic Performance - Sandra Bullock in The Proposal
Best Kiss - Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: New Moon (when in doubt, go Twilight)
Best Fight - Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber vs. Ryan Reynolds (from X-Men Origins: Wolverine)
Best WTF Moment - Naked Trunk Surprise – Ken Jeong (from The Hangover)
Best Scared-As-S**t Performance - Katie Featherston in Paranormal Activity
Biggest Badass Star - Sam Worthington in Avatar and Clash of the Titans
Global Superstar - Robert Pattinson

Kendra Wilkinson Sex Tape

Vivid Entertainment has just released the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape that has been talked about for a few weeks now. The sex tape was with her high school boyfriend, Justin Frye. Apparently Kendra already collected close to a million dollars for the release of the tape and she will make another 50% of all profits. Not a bad deal, considering her husband doesn't have a very long future in the NFL *cough*super bowl on-side kick*cough*. Vivid has released a preview of the tape which you can view here.

WARNING: NOT safe for work

Stop Scheduling Shit When I'm Busy!

Alright, i'm aware that i haven't been blogging at all lately and i've missed the first two days of WBL. Is it my fault im a busy freakin dude?! Maybe, but the bigger problem is the scheduling. You cant just spring stuff on me last minute. Give me like a week in advance so i can tell my boss i need work off so i can kick Kevin Nestico's ass in wiffle ball. What no one knows is i've been practicing in my free time when i actually can play but connor says no. Ask my little brother how my knuckle ball is, or how my defense was when i played on the beach last weekend. It's gonna be like Jeter coming off the DL. Ill be back with a vengence!

This Week In WBL...

We're quickly becoming the most hated team in the league. Too much talk, too much swag, too much production. But let's start off with the elephant in the room. Am I coming off a loss right now that can rest squarely on my small shoulders? Unfortunately, yes. But do I still make hitters shake when they step into the box? Fortunately, yes. If you told me weeks ago that we'd be sitting at 2-2 right now, still very much in the hunt for a ring then I would've married the shit out of you. Not bad for a bunch of dudes who never played baseball. The fact of the matter is that we haven't even played with our full team yet and I don't know if we ever will. Scott Boucher is half the man that he used to be. Just totally not the kid I drafted.  You might even go as far as to say he has feminine ways or vagtastic motives. And that's a phrase I don't use lightly. Wake the fuck up, bro. I'm not saying I'm mad but I'd totally push you into the ground if I saw you.

Cristiano Ronaldo Has The World By The Balls

Must be nice. I wish I could sit on my yacht all day and shower bitches with my 12 foot long hose then go play in the biggest sporting event in the world in 2 weeks.

The Magic Are Down 3-1. Cue The Excuses

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Maybe this is why Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis has been struggling in the Eastern Conference finals: He's been playing with a viral infection. Lewis says he's been sick the "whole series" against the Boston Celtics. "Overall it effects you," he said after Orlando's shootaround Wednesday. "I've been throwing up. I haven't been at full strength. I've been feeling weak, my legs been feeling weak. I find myself getting tired very fast in the first quarter. You know, when you can't hold food down you have no energy in your body to go out there and perform."

I'm actually kinda shocked it took Rashard Lewis to come up with this. And I got a funny little feeling that says if Lewis puts up 15 tonight and brings the series to 3-2 then he'll miraculously be cured of this illness. It's bullshit and we accept this type of behavior and I don't know. Just wait until Jeff Van Gundy or whoever is doing the game tonight calls Lewis' performance as "gutsy" and that he's getting his grown man on or something. Another thing I'd like to see in the future is TV announcers have no censor on their mouth. Like when someone flops or complains to the ref, I wanna hear "Oh take the fucking tampon out of your shorts, bro. Stop being such a vagina." Or the commentators are set up to a text machine and they can read off things during timeouts like "Connor from Burlington, CT says that aint no sock in KG's crotch!" That's just the type of world I hope to live in some day.

This Kid is Such a Dude

He don't give a F about nothin!

Super Bowl Coming To NY In 2014

IRVING, Texas -- If you build it, they will come -- wearing winter coats. The New Meadowlands Stadium, the $1.6 billion jewel co-owned by the New York Giants and Jets, will host the 2014 Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday afternoon at the league's spring meeting. "It's a historic moment for the league," Goodell said. Saying that New York is a unique market, Goodell added: "It will be a great experience for our fans. It will be a great experience for the NFL." The league's 32 owners, undaunted by the prospect of a wintry championship game, awarded Super Bowl XLVIII to the New York/New Jersey region after also considering bids from Tampa and South Florida, both traditional sites. South Florida and Tampa have hosted the Super Bowl 10 and four times, respectively.

I'm not hating on New York because I actually hate New York and Jersey. I'm hating on the winter and the cold.  If I work my ass off all season then I wanna be rewarded by flying down to Miami for Super Bowl week and have my teammates absolutely drown in titties. Not go to the city that never sleeps in freezing temperatures where the closest thing we get to seeing a pair of cannons is some fat, homeless fucker who can't afford to put a shirt on.

My Top 10 Most Anticipated Summer Movies

Everyone looks forward to summer movies. Hollywood rolls out huge blockbusters during the summer, many of which companies have sunk enormous budgets into. I thought I would provide my "Top 10 Most Anticipated Summer Movies" list for you. The movies I chose might not be the biggest blockbusters, but they are the ones I am looking forward to seeing the most (the release time-line I am using is May 21-August 27).

10. The Other Guys (August 6)
    



Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg in an action-comedy? Yes, please. The cast also includes Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eva Mendes, and Damon Wayans. Will Ferrell makes anything funny and Wahlberg/The Rock/Samuel L. provide a great bad-ass ensemble.


9. Shrek Forever After (May 21)
   



Everyone loves the Shrek movies and they always make bank at the box office. They are very well written with humor for all ages and the animation is always great. You know you'll end up seeing this before the summer is over.


8. Killers (June 4)
   
   
   
   Seeing a romantic "action" comedy makes me feel a tiny bit more manly than seeing a plain romantic comedy. That is what we have here. Katherine Heigl is the single blonde who falls for Ashton Kutcher, a CIA agent. She doesn't know he works for the CIA until one of their friends is contracted to kill them. It has a very Mr. & Mrs. Smith feel with a little more comedy and a little more romance. Fine by me.
   


7. Inception (July 16)
   



Inception is Christopher Nolan's follow-up to The Dark Knight. If that doesn't make you want to see this film then I don't know what will. How about the fact that it stars Leonardo DiCaprio as a thief who steals secrets from people while they are sleeping. The twist is that in his last job he must plant a secret instead of steal one. Other cast members include Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard and Michael Caine.


6. The A-Team (June 11)
   



The A-Team is based on the 1980s television series of the same name and stars Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Patrick Wilson (what is it with all these Patrick Wilson appearances) and Jessica Biel. Basically, it involves 4 special forces soldiers who are arrested for crimes they did not commit. They manage to escape from prison and do a bunch of bad-ass shit on a 165 million-dollar production budget.


5. MacGruber (May 21)
   



I never thought turning the MacGruber SNL sketches into a movie would be a good idea until I saw the trailer. It looks hilarious and action packed. Ryan Phillippe and Val Kilmer were interesting choices to pair with the SNL cast but I have no doubt the SNL people know how to make anything funny.


4. Toy Story 3 (June 18)
   



If you haven't seen the first 2 Toy Story movies, you didn't have a childhood. Simply put - they were incredible. Toy Story was released in 1995 and Toy Story 2 in 1999. I'd say a 10 year wait is quite the build-up for Toy Story 3. Considering that BOTH Toy Story and Toy Story 2 received 100% scores on Rotten Tomatoes, it might be hard for 3 to live up to the hype but it also tells you how great this film series is. Oh yeah, it's also in 3-D.


3. Get Him to the Greek (June 4)
   



"Get Him to the Greek is a spin-off from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, reuniting director Stoller with stars Hill and Brand. Brand reprises his character Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. 1) I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2) The Aldous Snow character is hilarious 3) The trailer for this movie looks awesome


2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (June 30)
   



Considering that the last movie in the Twlight Saga, New Moon, ranks 3rd on the all-time biggest box office opening weekends ever ($142,839,137), it's pretty safe to say that there are more than a few people eager to see this movie. They might all be teenage girls and moms but that doesn't make me any less excited to see it. Does that last sentence need a "no homo"? Would it help if I told you they hired David Slade to direct it (he directed 30 Days of Night) - which means there will be much more violence and gore than the first two movies.


1. Grown Ups (June 25)
   



Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider? Hell yes this movie will be hilarious. Not to mention it includes Salma Hayek, Maria Bello and Maya Rudolph as the female leads. I might have to pre-order tickets to go see this.

Honorable Mentions: Predators, Twelve, The Switch, Knight and Day

Morning Glory Trailer Released, Starring Rachel McAdams and Patrick Wilson

Harrison Ford, Rachel McAdams, Jeff Goldblum, Diane Keaton and Patrick Wilson. That's the cast of the new J. J. Abrams produced movie Morning Glory. Pretty great cast, right? Yeah, I thought so too. A Rachel McAdams/Patrick Wilson romantic pairing? I'm hooked. Well, the trailer has been released and the movie looks pretty great. The trailer starts with McAdam's mom asking her, "Did you get a job yet?", to which she replies, "No. But I have feelers out. Lots.". It might be because I'm in that exact same situation, my mom constantly nagging me to find a job, but I was hooked from that point on. That, and the fact that I'd like Rachel McAdams to be around for my morning glory. (there u go JR)

I also happen to love romantic comedies so that didn't hurt my opinion of this trailer. There's a new Natasha Bedingfield song at the end of the trailer from her upcoming album but no word on what it is called. The movie comes out November 12, 2010.

Amittyville Horror Crib For Sale

AMITYVILLE, N.Y. -- The house made famous in the 1979 film "The Amityville Horror" is up for sale in New York -- ghosts not included. The five-bedroom Dutch Colonial went on the market Monday for $1.15 million. The Oscar-nominated film is based on the story of the Lutz family's brief stay in the house in 1975 after six members of the DeFeo family were shot and killed as they slept in the home. Eldest son Ronald DeFeo Jr. was convicted of the murders.

Uhhhh what? This house is for sale? Who the fuck is going to spend a milli on this thing? Yeah, let me go find $1.15 million dollars so I can go crazy, kill my family and end up in the loony bin. I actually don't understand how this house isn't going to anyone for free.  You honestly couldn't pay me to stay there. Have you seen Amityville Horror? I didn't sleep for a week after I watched it and I like to think I'm pretty mentally tough but that movie totally butt fucked me. It's totally on my top 3 movies list that spooked the shit out of me. Followed by The Strangers and Pinocchio, which I have to watch the whole thing. What? That whale scene? I can't take it. It's like my biggest fear.

Don't Speak. I Know What You're Thinking

Listen, I'll be the first to say I was frustrated with the loss last night but it was about time we slip up. Ulysses S. Grant didn't exactly have a perfect war record but Abe Lincoln still called in the righty to lead the union in the Civil War so it's all gravy baby, we got it all smothered. And it wasn't like we got the shit kicked out of us either. Every time Orlando got hot and had a 6 point lead, Boston would come back just to remind them that we'll beat them any day of the week and twice on sunday. So we lost. But mentally I think it's still a win. The Magic had that game tied up with 2 minutes to go in the 4th quarter last night and Paul Pierce went into Paul Pierce Mode and got us back into it with a 3 point play. The only thing that bugs me is that play call with 12 seconds left. Why not fake like Pierce is gonna go iso, drive, kick out to Ray Allen and at least get a shot off? I understand Pierce was on beast time but Ray Ray was having his hottest quarter of the the game and if we've learned anything it's you feed Jesus Shuttlesworth when the mercury is rising.

Tonight Will Be Jack Bauer's Finest Hour

Here we are. I'd argue that this has been the worst 24 hours of our hero's life. It all started as he was coming off a lethal infection and then he suddenly thrown back into the fire when he got wind of an assassination plot on President Hassan. Did he have to help out? No, he didn't. But did he do it because he's the finest American this country has ever seen? Yes, yes he did. Then Hassan gets his head chopped anyway so Bauer and Renee cope with this by banging it out on the sheets only to have Renee sniped from 3 rooftops away. And now Bauer is on a fucking rampage of revenge that led us to here and I don't know what's next. All we can do is watch and pray that he goes out like a bulletproof tiger. Something like he's on top of a building with guns blazing and as he takes his final breath, a hole is ripped in his shirt and we see the American flag painted on his chest. Live free or died, baby!

Andy Milonakis Slaps The Bieb

I still don't think it's his best work.



That's more like it

This Kid Is Literally On Top Of The World

BEIJING -- An eighth-grader from California who became the youngest climber to reach the top of Mt. Everest said Monday he hopes his achievement will encourage young people worldwide to dream big. "I'm doing this to inspire other kids, hopefully across the world, to get outdoors and to set goals in life. I'm doing this to set an example for them," said 13-year-old Jordan Romero in an interview by satellite phone from the 21,320-foot (6,500-meter) Advanced Base Camp where his team had returned after reaching the top on Saturday. "The record is one thing but standing on top of the world is just the best feeling you could ever imagine," he said.

This is a cool story and all but I wish these youngsters would light up the media when they have the shot. They all try to be nice and politically correct and bullshit but why? I just climbed Everest and the reporters ask me about inspiring kids I'm gonna say something like "Yeah, well obviously I'm an absolute freak of nature so I don't really plan on inspiring kids, ya know? There's only one me, baby. I just do what it do and make the most out of my god given ability. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Let's to go the bar and get shit faced. Seacrest, out!" And that my friends is how perform a post game interview. Look for it to be in the papers when I steal the cy young award for WBL this summer.

Side Boob Of The Year

How's that for a fucking side boob comeback? I just feel like the bases are juiced right now and I have the green light on a 3-1 count. I simply cannot miss.

Man Burns Down Topless Coffee Shop

AUGUSTA, Maine -- A state investigation says a man suspected of burning down a Maine coffee shop that featured topless waitresses was mad at his girlfriend, who was having an affair with the owner. The state fire marshal's office released an affidavit Friday alleging 48-year-old Raymond Bellavance Jr. used gasoline to start the fire in June 2009 because the woman, a waitress, was in a sexual relationship with Donald Crabtree, owner of the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop. The affidavit says before the fire, Bellavance made statements that he was going to burn the shop. He confronted his girlfriend two hours beforehand.

Wait, wait, wait. A topless coffee shop? Uhhmm can you say awesome? Honestly. I hope I'm not the only one who sits around all day and tries to conjure up revolutionary ideas that'll totally blow people's dicks off but now I don't really know if there's much of a point. I feel like a waitress at a topless coffee restaurant is a little ahead of a stripper and 15 steps ahead of a prostitute. They're not dancing. Just filling up your cup with a side of nipple. Gives a whole new meaning to when they ask if you want cream in that coffee.Yes, I'm fully aware this post has nothing to do about the brave man who burned down the place because his chick was banging the manager.

Brown Flushed Down the Can

What can Mike "Brown" do for you? Well, that's the question NBA teams will be asking this off-season now that the Cavaliers fired him. Brown spent the last 5 season in Cleveland and compiled a 272-138 record. His .663 winning percentage is the highest in team history. I guess it didn't hurt that he had the best player in the league on his team the entire time.


The first question I asked myself when I saw this news was "How does this affect where Lebron will sign?/Do they want Calipari?". Maybe the Cavs have Lebron's inside info and he really does want to play for Calipari. Last week the Bulls were rumored to be interested in Calipari as part of a package deal with Lebron. I'm not sure why Lebron wants to play for Calipari, he seems like more of a dominant recruiter than a dominant coach. He put together a 72-115 record as a head coach in the NBA, not exactly strong numbers. I guess Lebron knows it doesn't matter who coaches him because he runs the show anyways and maybe Calipari is fun to hang out with. Who knows. I have to imagine Lebron didn't like the thought of playing for Mike Brown for the rest of his career. He couldn't win a championship with him the past 5 years so what would make him think something would suddenly change.

(why does he always have such hilarious facial expressions?)

The second question I asked myself was "Who will hire Mike Brown?". The Hawks, Nets, Hornets, Bulls and Clippers are the other 5 teams searching for a coach. My guess is as good as yours where he will end up. Maybe Prokhorov will look at his winning % and throw a ridiculous amount of money at him to coach the Nets.

One last thing, why the hell do people keep going to Obama with sports questions? He's the President of the United States, not an analyst for ESPN. He recently said that Lebron would fit in well with the Chicago Bulls. No shit. You could add Lebron to any team in the NBA and he would fit in well. Just a great bit of wisdom from Barry.

True Blood: Keep The Keys To The Man-Cave.

Recently, I informed a friend that True Blood was returning on June 13th.

Her reply, “You know how I know you’re gay?”

My not-so-witty, brash, and aghast reply, “It is on HBO, so I get to see tits.”

Well, True Blood is much more than a great set of melons and vampires. It is a show with an engaging plot, clever dialogue, and unrealistic character development. Sure, the show is attached to the ‘vampire craze’ but there is no part about the show that means handing over your man-card is necessary.

Anna Paquin, Deborah Ann Woll (for my ginger fever lovers), and Anna Camp headline a visually orgasmic trio of female leads. They are hot enough to keep your nether-regions warm in the Arctic winter. And of course, there is the the cougar-tastic Michelle Forbes who provides the delectable MILF element to the sensual female ensemble.

Also, there is a lot of bad-assery to the war between vampires and humans. Imagine for a second if Blade had actual writers, it would be roughly the same as True Blood. A group of humans trying to resist the uprising of mystical creatures. True Blood just takes it further and gives the characters actual emotions and dialogue. (We are excluding the craptastic sub-plot from last season which will not be named for the integrity of the show.)

The only difference is True Blood’s lead character is female. So the obvious comparisons are drawn to Twilight, the two shows are nothing alike. Tween-boopers rage, climax, and scream to the very scent of Twilight. It takes a sophisticated eye to spot a gem in True Blood. It is not the same type of hype, and female-driven unrealistic love for True Blood. It is a low-key, under the radar, and under-appreciated television show in its premium cable glory.

So if you want to see a good pair of hooters, tune into HBO on June 13 at 8 PM. The rest of the hour long episode will be a good story too, and you can keep that man-card if you keep tuning in.

Lost Season Finale: They Still Aren't Found?

I didn't watch it cause the show looked dumb. You should have been watching Met- Yankees or Suns- Lakers.

Tonight Was a Bigger Deal Than You Think

PHOENIX -- Amare Stoudemire answered his critics with an exclamation point, and there will be no sweep in the Western Conference finals. Stoudemire matched his career playoff high with 42 points, 29 in the second half, and grabbed 11 rebounds to power the Phoenix Suns to a 118-109 victory Sunday night that cut the Los Angeles Lakers' lead in the series to 2-1. "Just being aggressive, really going after it," Stoudemire said. "Tonight I wanted to come out with some aggressiveness and get it going."

Yeah, LA only has a 2-1 lead and it could very well be tied at 2-2 after the next game but that's not the point. Kobe scored 36 and 9 and the Lakers still lost. That's huge from a mental aspect. Right now Boston can't lose. Like mentally the word failure is not even in their vocabulary. But Los Angeles lost tonight after dominating the first two games and now it's like "uh-oh, maybe we're not the fucking balls like the Celtics are." I'm just saying from a mental standpoint this game was huge for every team in the playoffs right now.

P.S. Love the Suns. Steve Nash and Grant Hill are my fucking boys.

It Smells A Lot Like 2008 Again

Defense, defense, defense, defense. It's usually a good sign when the second guy off the bench is the leading scorer with only 17 points and you still beat the #2 seed by 20+ points.

Your Official WBL Preview Post

People might have thought I disappeared or I quit or that the  summer time temperatures had me slacking on my job. Well, no. Daddy took a little time off from being awesome and now I'm back with a WBL preview. As you and your mother know, tomorrow is opening day and it's when we separate the men from the boys. The talkers from the walkers.


Rude Boyz
The favorite to take the cake this year. Led by perennial MVP candidate in Kevin Nestico. He hits, he pitches, he rides the bull and he feels the flow. Just a star that leads a class organization all the way. Class, class, class. They're going undefeated this year unless Larson blows every at bat out his ass.

The Gays
Chris Powers leads a deep pitching staff that could do some damage. Oh. Wait. They can't hit the ball. C'ya.

The Smittys
Dark horse squad of the year. Big dog Smitty comes in with a tall black kid and a former baseball standout in the lineup. Could be trouble. Am I scared? I wouldn't say so. A man who admits his weakness is always the first to go in the horror movies.  They like to pitch to contact and when your favorite past time is performing laser shows, it could be an issue.

Night Moves/Threat Level Midnight/Team Blackout/Spill The Wine
Just put the food on the table 'cause we're ready to fucking eat. Do we have talent as far as baseball skills go? No. I throw the ball with anger, not technique and it hasn't failed me yet. We're just a bunch of athletes trying to make it in a cut throat league. Kinda like the well versed colonists who led a revolution of the greatest imperial power the world had ever seen. Soooo ya. I like our chances to sniff the playoffs.

Tog's Team
I can't believe we're really talking about this with conviction. I don't think they stand a chance against a slow pitch softball team that only included chicks who can't move their lower limbs. He couldn't cut it on the blog and he won't cut it on the field.


Zac's Team
He's good. His team is suspect. That's where the story ends and begins.

Lindsay's Furry Vengeance

Lindsay Lohan has quickly become the scum of the Earth. At one point in her life she was loved by everybody (mainly me cause I totally got a thing for gingers). She was cute in The Parent Trap, hot in Mean Girls, and a freak in Freaky Friday (clever, I know). She was graced with a fire crotch that I would love to extinguish (I'm on a roll tonight) (I'm also really enjoying using parenthesis). Now however, she has turned into an ugly, anorexic, coke whore who has become a cancer to the Earth. After skipping her last 4 billion court dates, Lohan decided to go to the Cannes film festival last week, knowing she had a court date in a week. Can you guess what happened? She "lost" her passport and was unable to return for court. Seriously Lindsay? So now there is a warrant out for her arrest and a 100,000 bail placed. Rumors have it Lindsay is attempting to pay in cocaine and old scrunchies.


She's a pathetic waste of space now and it really upsets me. I mean, she isn't even a damn redhead anymore. Her mother doesn't ever keep her in check and has actually been seen out drinking with her daughter at 4 am the night before court. Michael Lohan is a joke as well. The family is an ugly piece of shit. They make the Gosselins look like the Tuohys (Blindside family btw, because who really knows who that family is? I almost put Bullock but decided that family is fucked up too. She did look good in The Blindside though. Too bad she's not a neo-nazi like Jesse James's main hoe. Whelp that was a sufficient rant - I'm gonna end this in parentheses now).

Moral of the story: Lindsay is a cancer to the earth and she will probably be dead soon from pure stupidity.

Greatest Commercial Ever?

Im so excited.

The NFL Is Really Just a Giant Sex Party

It turns out that NFL sex parties might not only occur on the secluded space of a boat. Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe got a quick introduction to a hidden side of the NFL, according to a piece in the latest ESPN the Magazine. ProFootballTalk has obtained excerpts from the feature, in which the Chief says that teammates meet girls online and fly them into town during road trips. NFL players apparently call the process "importing." Bowe recalls one episode in San Diego during his rookie season: "You hear stories about groupies hanging out in hotel lobbies, but some of my teammates had it set up so there was a girl in every room. The older guys get on MySpace and Facebook a week before we go to a city; when a pretty one writes back, they arrange to fly her in three or four days in advance. They call it importing."

You must be a desperate slut to be wanting to bang one of the Kansas City Chiefs.  They call it "importing.'' I'm seriously gonna use that term from now on. "Hey man, how many chicks were you able to import for the party tonight?" Technically it's not prostitution but it might as well be. It's just like the chicks who banged Tiger and now want his money for damages. They don't want you to call them whores but they want to bang Tiger and then take his money to keep quiet just like a hooker. Hmmm. Interesting. Let me point out another thing. You don't see these stories coming out about any player like Tom Brady or Wes Welker or anyone of that fairer skin color. And Big Ben doesn't count because he's always been a scum bag. I'm not saying it's a race issue but it might be a fucking race issue. I guess on the bright side they're not luring girls into their hotel room and raping them like Kobe did.

Pierce Don't Give a F About Nothin!

Forward Paul Pierce made some bold statements after the Boston Celtics' 95-92 victory over the Orlando Magic in Game 2 gave them a 2-0 lead in the Eastern Conference finals, but at least one of them appears to have been the work of a hacker. Pierce's verified Twitter account displayed a message that read "Anybody got a BROOM?" following Boston's second straight victory over Orlando on the road to open the series, but that message suggesting a Boston sweep has since been deleted and another message was posted Wednesday denying that the comment came from Pierce. "Hacked in game and post game while on podium [for postgame press conference]. Disregard chatter," read Wednesday's message, purportedly from Pierce. Walking off the court after Tuesday night's victory, Pierce, who scored a team-high 28 points, stared at the Amway Arena crowd and announced, "See y'all next year," seeming to indicate the Celtics intended to win the next two games at home for a four-game sweep. He then turned toward his teammates and added, "Two more now, let's be greedy." And in an on-court interview with ESPN's Doris Burke immediately after the game, Pierce stared into the camera and announced to Celtics fans that "we're coming home to close it out" before winking his eye.

Say what you want about Paul Pierce but don't say he lacks confidence. I used to say he was the most underrated player in the league and I still think he's one of them but Pierce also knows he's underrated and he's gonna let you know about it whenever has the chance. Didn't he call himself one of the best 3 point shooters of all time after he won the contest this year? He's what we in the wiffleball league call, "much in the clutch." Against any other team I might be worried that Pierce is ruffling some feathers with all this tough talk but we're playing the fucking Magic. They don't have a backbone. No cojones on those guys. Lebron would hear this and go on a rampage but Dwight Howard hears this and tells Stan Van Gundy and all that comes out of his mouth is "waahhhh waahhhhhh waahhhh." And why not tell the world you're gonna sweep? Orlando got butt fucked in their home floor  2 games in a row. That's pathetic. They deserve to refer to us at their daddys for the rest of the playoffs.

5 Year Old Gets The Cuffs

LEHIGH ACRES, Fla. -- A startling scene outside a party store brought a Florida woman to tears. The woman said she saw a sheriff's deputy arresting a 5-year-old boy as she was pumping gas at a nearby 7-Eleven. She snapped a photo and described it as an "out of control situation." "That's not a way to treat a child, that's not a way to teach a lesson to a little boy," said the woman, who asked to remain anonymous. The little boy's mother said she asked the deputy, a friend and 15-year veteran of the Lee County Sheriff's Office, to "arrest" her son as a way to scare him straight. "I hope it scared him to figure out that he's not going to play with matches or lighters again," she said. "That was the whole point of it -- to make him afraid that he was going to go to jail." Child psychiatrist Omar Rieche said the discipline was too much. "No matter what the details are, when you see that picture, it says so much," he said. "The age in which this is being done is inappropriate, so it's misguided."

What happened to slapping a kid on the wrist and sending him on his way? I'm not saying I'm gonna be father of the year but I know I won't be setting up a fake arrest on a 5 year old to scare him straight. Wasn't that a show? Scared Straight? Maybe a movie. I don't know. Sellberg should watch that shit so maybe he'll stop fucking guys. What was this post even about? The kid played with matches so he got handcuffed? This might be cruel and unusual but if my kid wants to play around with a lighter then I'm gonna little his ass on fire and show him the real consequences of being a flamer. Wait. That doesn't right...

New King, Same Place

Since we have already provided you with 2 of our predictions as to where Lebron will land this summer we have invited our good friend John SaWALL (yes, he is a Wizards fan) to provide his input. Below is what he e-mailed us.

The already perfect fit: Cleveland Cavaliers. As we all know, the 2010 NBA season did not exactly have a storybook ending for Cleveland. While many take this as a sign that Bron is going to move on and try to cement his legacy elsewhere, I think this fact will actually nudge him into staying for a long, long time.

Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. God Shamgod (okay, maybe not.) Lebron James. Still, his name looks out of place in the midst of such basketball gods. The aforementioned gods-of-the-game all have one thing in common: winning, and winning a lot, for one city. Right or wrong, he has been compared with Kobe and Jordan since he was still in high school. He has been with the Cavs for 7 years, and has netted 1 NBA finals appearance, and ZERO NBA finals games won.


So, you think the greatest-hyped player in the history of the game is going to let his future-legend status get tarnished by trying to win his first title with another superstar - ala D Wade in Miami? I think not. Lebron is going for the kind of lifetime domincance as an early-career Shaq, not an over the hill Shaq that could only win a title with D Wade, a reality TV show, and a short career as a Miami-city police officer. While I'm sure he would appreciate a more suitable playoff-winabble roster around him (their best pickup since he's been there has been a trade for Antawn Jamison, who doesn't win), signing as a free agent in a city with an already prollific superstar such as Miami makes absolutely no sense. He is going to prove he can do it on his own, like all the great players that have come before him. Oh, and he's going to sign in Jordan's city without any titles to his name? Yeah right.

In the 7 years he's been in Cleveland, he has brought their downtown economy to record heights. He has given that city SOMETHING. Truly, he is the only shot that entire state has at anything great for a long, long time. It's his city. He's not done with Cleveland, and Cleveland is not done with him. Look for Lebron to sign a long term contract, eventually bring his city a few titles, some respect, and maybe a nice older gentleman for his mother.

Same King, New Place

So with the incredible bore the NBA playoffs have become this year, the biggest story in basketball is the pending free agency of Bron'bron. Before they got bounced by the now invincible Boston Celtics, I was quite positive Lebron would be returning to Cleveland. But after those performances? I simply feel he can't return, just don't see it happening. So, in my opinion, where will Bron end up? Well lets just say his PG next year will be a little bit better than lame ass Mo Williams.


Thats right, The King will be in the Windy city next year, playing along side one of the best PG's in the game right now. It's obvious Lebron is gonna go somewhere where he can get a max deal (sorry Washington) and that means either the Knicks, Nets, Heat, Bulls, Clippers, Kings, or Twolves. He'll be making a 5 year 95 million from any of those teams and a 6 year 125 million if he stays with the Cavs.

I'm picking the Bulls on a process of elimination, we'll start with the worst fits:
Twolves, Clippers, Kings: These teams simply don't work. Lebron says he wants to win and none of these teams even made a playoff birth last season. The Timberwolves are on my radar for a decent team in the future, but not any time soon. The Kings are a looking better with Tyreke running the point but are still a long way away from making a truly competitive team. And while the Clippers would be a lot of fun (Lebron and Kobe in the same city), they are a terrible franchise and Lebron would fit terribly with their best player (Baron Davis).

Its possible, but doubtful: The New Jersey Nets
The Nets are clearly on the up and coming. They have a great PG in Devon Harris, maybe the second best big man in the East with Brook Lopez (Dwight in first), and the number 3 pick in the draft. Oh, also have some ABSURDLY rich owner who probably wipes his ass with 100 dollar bills. Prokhorov still gives the Nets are great opportunity in the coming years, but unfortunately it won't be with Lebron.

Ok this might work: Miami Heat and New York Knicks
Theres a clear reason why the Miami Heat look appealing to Lebron: Dwayne Wade. One of the top 5 players in the league, DWade could easily be the piece to fit with Lebron to form a frightening dynasty. It also helps that he's in Miami. What 25 year old wouldn't want to live there? Unfortunately, I think Wade's style of play simply won't fit with Lebrons. Neither are great spot up shooters and both want the ball in their hands, making the plays. Both like to drive and kick, but neither are good enough shooters to be the "kick" part of the play.
The Knicks are a very interesting potential residence for Lebron. Lebron has openly said multiple times that he wants to be the first billionaire athlete and there is without a doubt no better place to do that than in New York. The Knicks have an incredibly storied past that no player wouldn't want to be a part of. If Lebron could bring the Knicks back to prominence and win a couple titles, there would be no dispute he would be the best player of all time.

The perfect fit: Chicago Bulls
Now before I get started I want to address what many people feel will be the main argument against the Bulls: Jordan's shadow. I respond to that by stating Jordan's time has come and gone. Yes, many still consider him the best player of all time, but our generation have come to accept the new era. And that new era is Lebron James. Now this is why I feel the Bulls will be such a good fit. Lebron wants to win and he wants to win now. But he also wants to win for a time to come. The Bulls are good, but most importantly, the Bulls are young. Their 2 young stars, Rose and Noah, are 21 and 25 respectively. That means both probably haven't even reached their prime yet. The Bulls have a head coach opening that a specific Jackson (Phil, if you didn't catch on) will probably be quite attracted to. If Lebron goes, I have a strong feeling Phil will go, which will give the possibility of one of the best dynasties of all time.

So thats that and in my eyes, Lebron will be a Bull next year. And I look forward to watching that team next year

You Guys Don't Do This Every Morning?

I need this little girl to wake me up every morning. Her and a third base coach to stand at my door would be amazing. Think about it. How great would it feel to get your ass smacked and have someone tell you that you played great all day just before you go to bed. Now look in the mirror and repeat after her. My house is great, I can do anything good. I like my school, I like anything, I like my dad, I like my cousins, I like my ants, I like my allisons, I like my mom, I like my sisters, I like my hair, I like my haircuts! I like my pajamas! I like my stuff! I like my rooms! I like my whole house! My whole house is great! I can do anything good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do anything better than anyone!

Floyd Mayweather Might Be My New Favorite Man

Floyd Mayweather Jr. goes nowhere without his A.1. Steak Sauce. He and his large entourage showed up at Lavo in Las Vegas the other day to celebrate his brother's birthday and his trouncing of "Sugar" Shane Mosley in the welterweight title fight May 1. When they were served their well-done steaks, Mayweather's brother asked if the restaurant had any A.1. The server said no, but a bottle of A.1. was instantly produced from Floyd's "cash bag," a tote the boxer uses to carry US currency that he "rains" on crowds at nightclubs. The A.1. bottle was then placed as a centerpiece on the table. "A.1. was doused on every single item -- chicken, steaks, even the garlic mash," a witness reports, adding, "Floyd made a comment that he even eats cereal with A.1." Maybe an endorsement deal could be in order -- who needs Wheaties when you have A.1.?

Remember when I said how much I hated Floyd Mayweather as a person? Can I take that back? Because make no mistake about it, when this blog starts making millions I'll be the guy walking around town with a money bag that I use to rain on crowds at bars and supply my fans with A1 sauce. I've always been a huge fan of "that guy." No matter what crew you encounter, there's always someone who is designated as "that guy." He always ticks a little different, might enjoy doing his own thing and that's what makes him the dude. And that dude is Floyd Mayweather. The brave young man who carries around a duffle bag full of bills and A1 sauce.