Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to Jail

Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 120 days in jail plus 480 hours of community service for violating her probation. She was on trial for felony theft but the judge dropped it to a misdemeanor.

Her bail was set at $75,000 and of course it was paid. If there is someone willing to pay Nicholas Cage's bail someone will pay Lindsay Lohan's.

About five hours after trial-bound starlet was sentenced to 120 days in jail and 480 hours of community service, she posted $75,000 bail with the help of her trusty bail bondsman and was a free woman pending her attorney's appeal of today's ruling.

She was released from Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, Calif., just before 9:30 p.m., after which she was driven off in a black SUV with a police escort.

In July Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating her probation but only served 14 of those 90 days. I'm putting the over/under on her jail time this go-round at 33 days. That total might be too much but I feel good about that prediction and am sticking to it. ET released video footage from the jewelry store where she stole the necklace. Even if this video shows nothing, she obviously stole the necklace so she should view this sentence as a win.

Lindsay Lohan Offered 1 Million Dollars For Post-Jail Interview

I seriously hate this dumbass bitch. Lindsay Blohan who should be in jail for another 2 months is now being offered a million dollars for her first interview after jail. This is the kind of shit that makes Lindsay still think she's relevant in this world. Nobody likes her, she sucks at acting, and doesn't even have that big of tits! She gets special treatment in jail, leaves early, and now is getting paid to tell her lame, most likely made up story.


Die Lohan.

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Jane Lynch to Host SNL

If you don't know who Jane Lynch is you're missing out on one funny ass lesbian. She was hilarious in Arrested Development and now is great in Glee (which could definitely be added to the shows you don't watch but should).


Jane also had great roles in Role Models and 40 Year Old Virgin. This is one of my favorite scenes from Role Models:

What'd you have for dinner? Was it Cocaine?

She's hosting in October and even though SNL sucks more dick than Lindsay Lohan for coke now, I might still watch this episode.

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Lindsay Lohan Released From Jail, Goes to Rehab

You may recall that Lindsay Lohan went to jail exactly 2 weeks ago to serve 90 days. Well she was released from jail Sunday at midnight after serving only 13 days. I will never understand how every celebrity who receives a few months in jail gets out after a few weeks. The judge obviously knew all along that Lindsay wouldn't serve the entire time so why not just make her sentence two weeks instead of 90 days. Would she have gotten out after like 3 days if that happened?


Lindsay has been bitching during this whole ordeal about how she is innocent even after she clearly broke a million laws. She even wanted time off in between when her jail time ended and when she had to report to rehab. She also wanted to hand-pick the rehab facility she would attend. TMZ reported that the rehab facility Lindsay picked out was spending over $200,000 on remodeling in preparation for her arrival. This is the rehab Lindsay wanted to go to. And frankly, who wouldn't want to go there, the website advertises that its patients get to do really cool shit. It says...

"The Newport Beach peninsula, where our facilities are located, has nine miles of sandy beaches and endless opportunities for those looking to surf, sun, body-board, sail, snorkel or just enjoy the terrific year-round weather on the shores of one of California’s most picturesque playgrounds. Newport Beach and the surrounding areas boast museums, world-class shopping malls, restaurants, golf courses, theme parks (including Disneyland, and California Adventure), and the famous Orange County Performing Arts Center."

A last minute change sent Lindsay to a UCLA rehab and deprived her of surfing, shopping and going to Disneyland for the next 90 days. I'm strongly considering developing an addiction so I can take a vacation for 3 months.


Lindsay planned a big exit from jail that included calling in her famous hairstylist to make her look good on the 30 second walk from the jail door to her car. Well the people at the jail foiled that plan. As tons of media were camped outside the front doors and Lindsay was getting ready to make her grand exit, she was taken to a back door and immediately put into a waiting SUV. Instead of getting time off like the spoiled bitch wanted, she was taken straight to rehab where she will spend the next 90 days. Unlike jail, Lindsay has to spend the entire sentence time in rehab and can't get out early.

People commented that Lindsay is "very upset" that she wasn't allowed to see her family before going to rehab. The article also says...

"Lohan, the source adds, is feeling depressed.' '[She] is having a difficult time accepting that she will be in rehab for the next three months,' the source says. 'She still doesn't think that she needs any help.'"

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. In honor of Lindsay's rehab and constant bitching:

Lindsay Lohan's Mugshot

I can't tell you how much joy this picture gives me. Many said this day would never come, some said Lindsay Lohan would never serve time, but I had faith. Now that it has actually happened I feel a mix of incredible euphoria and sadness. Euphoria because she is in jail where she belongs, but sadness because I think this has actually made her more famous, still I can't wait to read her prison diaries. Also here is an artists' (me) rendering of Lohan walking into jail this morning.

(Please ignore the black hands.)
(Also the fact that this is a scene from Madea Goes to Jail)

Lindsay Lohan is Going to Jail Today!

Christmas in July! It's been 2 weeks since Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail and she is due to report to Shawshank at 8:30am PDT. We are in for an awesome few hours of watching Lindsay cry, lie and try to come up with excuse after excuse to get out of going. Yesterday it was reported that her new attorney, Robert Shapiro, quit on her and no one knows what she is going to do about that. She has also been on suicide watch, negotiating her first post-jail interview and tweeting about her awesome relationship with her father.

I'm glad to see that everything is good with Lindsay because I definitely don't want to watch her train-wreck of a life. Ah who am I kidding, that is the best part. The ideal scenario before she enters the jail cell would be for her to cry, get yelled at, fail a drug test, be told she has to serve the entire 90 days, not get the post-jail interview deal and be confused for a man and have to go to the dude prison. Here's to everything going as terribly as possible in a few hours!

LiLo Live Ustream In COURT - UPDATE

HAHAHAHAHA. Lindsay Lohan is in court right now because she's an idiot and keeps violating her probation. Somehow CBS is airing it on Ustream for all to see. It is just excellent...check it out. Try not to laugh too hard when they zoom in on her and she tries to act innocent.

**BREAKING NEWS** - LINDSAY LOHAN IS FOUND GUILTY OF VIOLATING HER PROBATION (AND SHE IS CRYING!!!!!)


**UPDATE** - Lindsay received 90 days in jail and will begin serving on July 20, 2010 at 8:30 AM local time. The judge wanted her to begin serving immediately but her lawyer asked for and was granted a 2 week release. She is crying harder now and I can't help but laughing. Her lawyer asked the judge if she could remove the SCRAM bracelet for the 2 weeks and take blood tests every morning but the judge refused. Whelp I guess Lindsay can't get Jake Gyllenhoused and drown away her sorrows for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully LiLo is still in that lesbian phase...

Live TV : Ustream

The WORLD Hates Lindsay Lohan

Ohhhhhhh Lindsay, you never cease to amaze me. It was her 24th birthday last night and she decided to celebrate it Thursday night by going to Voyeur Nightclub. While she was there she got punched in the face by a waitress and everyone in the club cheered. This is one of those moments that everyone wishes was captured on tape. An "insider" told US "The waitress has a history with Doug Reinhardt, and Lohan was hanging out with him. She was jealous, and out of nowhere, the waitress punched her in the face! Doug didn't want any part of it and went to the other side of the booth. Lohan ran out."


It's good to see Doug Reinhardt likes to hang out with such upstanding citizens as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay is still wearing that buzz-kill known as the SCRAM bracelet and apparently doesn't have very much money. One of her friends talked to TMZ about her birthday plans and said, "I mean there's not much you can do with a monitoring bracelet and no money." Wait, Lindsay doesn't have any money?!?!? SHOCKER! I love how her friends are willing to talk about how shitty her life is to the paparazzi. Apparently Lindsay went to a different party after Voyeur, ran into the waitress again and started crying when she saw her. This brings up the question...why do girls cry so much?

Rindsay Rohan

Everyone's least favorite fame whore, Lindsay Lohan, plans to pose nude to promote her handbag line. Normally a sentence with the words "pose" and "nude" gets me excited...butttttt (that could be a large or small butt depending on if she's been hitting up the nose candy recently) does anyone really want to see her naked? I don't need to see a fire crotched, coked out, SCRAM bracelet wearing hooker naked promoting handbags that I will never buy. If you're going to get naked promote something useful like Natty Light. I'd rather see Helen Mirren naked...wait...that just happened?!?!?!?!?!? Alright I lied - my eyes are permanently scarred.


Ah yes, that brings me to the SCRAM bracelet she has to wear 24/7 - the one accessory in Lindsay's otherwise birthday-suit photo shoot. She can't take it off so people are wondering will it be in the pics? Will it be airbrushed out? Well a rep from her handbag company said, "We're thinking of having police on hand so we can remove the ankle bracelet for the pictures". Now I'm beginning to think this is all an evil plan by Lindsay to get the police to remove the bracelet so she can go get shit-faced for an hour. Genius.

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Lindsay's Furry Vengeance

Lindsay Lohan has quickly become the scum of the Earth. At one point in her life she was loved by everybody (mainly me cause I totally got a thing for gingers). She was cute in The Parent Trap, hot in Mean Girls, and a freak in Freaky Friday (clever, I know). She was graced with a fire crotch that I would love to extinguish (I'm on a roll tonight) (I'm also really enjoying using parenthesis). Now however, she has turned into an ugly, anorexic, coke whore who has become a cancer to the Earth. After skipping her last 4 billion court dates, Lohan decided to go to the Cannes film festival last week, knowing she had a court date in a week. Can you guess what happened? She "lost" her passport and was unable to return for court. Seriously Lindsay? So now there is a warrant out for her arrest and a 100,000 bail placed. Rumors have it Lindsay is attempting to pay in cocaine and old scrunchies.


She's a pathetic waste of space now and it really upsets me. I mean, she isn't even a damn redhead anymore. Her mother doesn't ever keep her in check and has actually been seen out drinking with her daughter at 4 am the night before court. Michael Lohan is a joke as well. The family is an ugly piece of shit. They make the Gosselins look like the Tuohys (Blindside family btw, because who really knows who that family is? I almost put Bullock but decided that family is fucked up too. She did look good in The Blindside though. Too bad she's not a neo-nazi like Jesse James's main hoe. Whelp that was a sufficient rant - I'm gonna end this in parentheses now).

Moral of the story: Lindsay is a cancer to the earth and she will probably be dead soon from pure stupidity.

Friday Daily Post - Lindsey Hohan, Justin Bieber & Katy Perry

So apparently the only way Lindsey Lohan can make the news now a days is by being a complete drunk fool. After leaving a club last night, Lindsey was recorded falling flat on her face. Boy, don't you wish you could see that?

I mean really, does anyone even care about this chick anymore? She was such a cute little girl in The Parent Trap, a babe in Mean Girls, and now she's a coked out whore? She needs to figure out nobody cares about her anymore and just get a job working at McDonald's.

In case anyone missed it, yesterday was April Fools and Funny or Die decided to tell people that Justin Bieber bought their site and renamed it Bieber or Die. They made 11 pretty hilarious videos with him - check them out here http://www.funnyordie.com/justin_bieber/videos. Does anyone else think he looks like a lesbian? He seems to be everywhere these days and was on Chelsea Lately last night. In case you happen to be one of the bazillion people obsessed with him right now, the interview is below.

Finally we will leave you with this - Katy Perry gets slimed at the Kids Choice Awards last Saturday.