Atlanta Braves Pitcher Derek Lowe Arrested For DUI

Atlanta Braves pitcher Derek Lowe was arrested Thursday night for DUI. ESPN says:

Gordy Wright, a spokesman for the Georgia State Patrol, said a trooper stopped Lowe's vehicle about 10 p.m. Thursday after it was spotted racing another car down an Atlanta street. The trooper detected an odor of alcohol and administered a field sobriety test, which resulted in Lowe's arrest.

The 37-year-old right-hander was charged with DUI, reckless driving and improper lane change, Wright said. Lowe declined to take a breath test before he was released, the spokesman added. The other driver was also stopped, but there were no details on whether he was charged.

"I would like to apologize to my family, teammates, fans and the Braves organization for the attention arising from this matter," Lowe said in a statement. "However, I am hopeful that this incident will not be a distraction to the Braves organization while we are focused on returning to the playoffs."

First of all let's look at the facts. Okay, the first fact has to be that Derek Lowe looks clearly Jake Gyllenhoused in that mug shot. The last time my eyes looked that red after drinking I had a 3 wise men shot plus a sixer of natty and a box of wine. Derek Lowe could hire Gloria Allred and it wouldn't help his case. Unless, of course, his case involved stimulating maple cylinders. Moving on. The night of Thursday April 28, 2011 - the Atlanta Braves had the night off. The Atlanta Hawks had just beat the Orlando Magic 84-81 to win the series 4-2. That right there should tell you everything you need to know. Derek Lowe either went to the game or went to a party to watch the game. Either way he was getting Anne Tanked.

The Braves might not be trying to be hilarious/awesome these days but they are definitely succeeding. If I got a penny for every time I was racing someone in my Porche down Peach Tree Road, I'd be a millionaire. On a serious note, Derek Lowe was a known raging alcoholic when he was with Boston. He never got pulled over there because they knew he'd help them win a World Series. And then the 4 years he was with the Dodgers, well we all know no one famous gets arrested for anything in Los Angeles.

Nicholas Cage Arrested Plus Mug Shot

Nicholas Cage was arrested last Friday after arguing with his wife. He was booked on suspicion of domestic abuse battery, disturbing the peace and public drunkenness charges but Dog the Bounty Hunter posted his $11,000 bail. Well his mug shot has been released and here it is.

This is my favorite celebrity mug shot in a while and I spent all day deciding that so that's saying something. Reuters says:

(Cage) and his wife were standing in front of a residence that he insisted was the property the couple was renting," Flot said in the statement. "She disagreed and Cage grabbed her by the upper arm and pulled her to what he believed was the correct address."

The actor then began striking cars and tried to get into a taxi cab, Flot said.

"At that point, an officer who had been flagged down by on-lookers drove up on the couple, immediately observed that Cage was heavily intoxicated, and ordered him out of the cab, which prompted Cage to start yelling. The officers subsequently took Cage to Central Lock-Up," Flot said.

The real crime in all of this is that he doesn't have a hotter wife. Or that he thought she was worth going to jail over. The man used to be a wealthy movie star and this is all he could land?

Mike Leake Arrested For Shoplifting

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested today for shoplifting from Macy's. Apparently he stole 6 t-shirts worth $59.88. ESPN says:

Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested on a shoplifting charge at a downtown department store Monday, accused of trying to steal six shirts with a total value of $59.88.

The 23-year-old starter was booked at the Hamilton County Justice Center on a first-degree misdemeanor charge of shoplifting. It carries a maximum of 180 days in jail.

He was arrested about two hours before Cincinnati pitchers were expected at Great American Ball Park to take batting practice before the final game of a series against Pittsburgh. Leake started and got the victory in an 11-2 win over the Pirates on Saturday.

Police arrest reports said Leake removed the price tags from six American Rag T-shirts at a Macy's store and tried to leave without paying for them. Leake makes $425,000 in his second season in the majors.

You're "stunned" that a guy who only works once every 5 days and has to live in Cincinnati probably got bored and the only thing to do there was this? I think Reds fan should be more stunned that their team made the playoffs last year and that they are currently in 1st place right now. I would be more stunned if Mike Leake found something fun to do in Cincinnati on his off days.

Alright onto Mike Leake. Six shirts worth $59.88? Really Mike? Upon visiting the Macy's website there is a $10 off coupon if you purchase $50 or more which means he could have gotten those 6 shirts for $49.88! What a deal! That's practically like stealing. If you're going to shoplift at a big department store you have to know you will probably get caught so you might as well go for something tight and expensive. Why not just go for a 50" LCD TV? You might as well just try to drag a huge TV out instead of getting caught with 6 t-shirts.

After another quick Macys.com check there are only 3 t-shirts that sell for $9.98 ($59.88/6 if you can't follow along). I should clarify: there are only 3 "mens" t-shirts that sell for $9.98 but if he was buying something else we have other problems. Well, I don't have other problems, he does.

Okay well if he was stealing any of those t-shirts we both have problems. I realize he's only making $425,000 a year and only got a $2.9 million signing bonus in 2009 but if we educated him more on services such as The Salvation Army he wouldn't have to steal from Macy's. It's basically our fault this happened.

If you had "Mike Leake steals merchandise" before "Mike Leake steals a base" in your office pool then you win. In his 16 1/3 IP this year he's allowed 2 stolen bases so basically the Macy's "loss prevention" employees are doing better than he is. If you want to read the police report, or try to at least, here it is.

Mike Vrabel Arrested for Theft

Apparently the NFL Lockout is hitting a lot harder than we thought. Chiefs LB Mike Vrabel, who won three Super Bowls with the Patriots and is most famous for his 11 catches all for TD's, was arrested at a casino in Indiana early Monday morning.


First of all who the fuck goes to casinos in Indiana? There is no way there are hot hookers wanting to do coke with me in Indiana and lets be honest, that's the only reason I go to casinos.

Second of all you cannot tell me this fucker is so poor already that he has to steal stuff. How dumb are these athletes that they can't even save SOME money to make it a month after their paychecks stop coming. All these players are going to be eating bread and water for a year before Daddy Jerry Jones comes back to stroke their 7-figure paychecks.

Wanna know how much I make writing this? 0 dollars. But you don't see me going around stealing from casinos! Just that little nerd whose lunch money I take every Wednesday.

Oakland Raiders WR Louis Murphy Arrested For Possession of Viagra

Oakland Raiders WR Louis Murphy was arrested Sunday morning for possession of...wait for it...if you didn't read the title of this post you are still in suspense...Viagra! Louis Murphy was in a car with Carlos Dunlap and they got pulled over for playing music too loud. Wait, playing music too loud in a car is a pull-over-able offense? According to the Gainesville Sun:

Gainesville Police Officer Thomas Harrison said he spotted Murphy's Cadillac Escalade at 100 SW First St., with the stereo playing loudly. Harrison said he told Murphy, 23, to pull over, but then Murphy continued driving to a city parking lot, where he and his passengers got out of the SUV and walked away.

Harrison flipped on his lights and ordered Murphy and the passengers to stop. Harrison said Murphy refused to present identification and demanded to know why Harrison stopped him. Harrison said Murphy continued to refuse to show his ID and so Harrison attempted to place him in handcuffs, but, he said, Murphy refused to put his hands behind his back. It took three officers to place the 6-foot-2-inch, 180-pound NFL player into custody.

Harrison said Murphy consented to a search of his vehicle, where officers found a “non-labeled prescription bottle containing 11 individual pills later identified as Viagra.” Murphy could not provide a prescription for it and allegedly told the officer that he had peeled the label off of the bottle “because he did not want his girlfriend to know he had a prescription for it.”

Ah yes, the classic "don't want my girlfriend knowing I have a Viagra prescription" excuse. Usually works every time.

Colts Lineman John Gill Found in Ditch and Arrested

Is it just a coincidence that Gill not only looks like John Belushi but acts like him to?

For the 2nd time in less than a year defensive tackle John Gill has been arrested for public intoxication. This time he was found without a car or any shoes on and in a ditch on the side of the road at 4 a.m. Sunday. It must have been a really good night. Passing out and barfing on yourself is one thing but passing out in a ditch with no shoes is a whole other level. His season is likely over after this latest incident and the Colts are exploring rehab options. Team president Bill Polian said...

"He's got a problem clearly that unfortunately many Americans are familiar with, either in their family or the workplace. So, the No. 1 priority for him is to get treatment and we're in that process right now."

I'm pretty sure the reason he started drinking in the first place was because he has to live in that shit-hole of a city. The good news is the Colts won't miss him because he sucks. He only played in 2 games last year (the last 2 of the season) after the Colts had already locked up the #1 seed in the AFC. They just so happened to lose both the games he played in (their only 2 losses on the season).

Gill's options now are to either join Lindsay Lohan in rehab or sign with the Bengals. I'm guessing he chooses rehab because being in Cincinnati will likely drive him to drink even harder.

Source

Lindsay Lohan Released From Jail, Goes to Rehab

You may recall that Lindsay Lohan went to jail exactly 2 weeks ago to serve 90 days. Well she was released from jail Sunday at midnight after serving only 13 days. I will never understand how every celebrity who receives a few months in jail gets out after a few weeks. The judge obviously knew all along that Lindsay wouldn't serve the entire time so why not just make her sentence two weeks instead of 90 days. Would she have gotten out after like 3 days if that happened?


Lindsay has been bitching during this whole ordeal about how she is innocent even after she clearly broke a million laws. She even wanted time off in between when her jail time ended and when she had to report to rehab. She also wanted to hand-pick the rehab facility she would attend. TMZ reported that the rehab facility Lindsay picked out was spending over $200,000 on remodeling in preparation for her arrival. This is the rehab Lindsay wanted to go to. And frankly, who wouldn't want to go there, the website advertises that its patients get to do really cool shit. It says...

"The Newport Beach peninsula, where our facilities are located, has nine miles of sandy beaches and endless opportunities for those looking to surf, sun, body-board, sail, snorkel or just enjoy the terrific year-round weather on the shores of one of California’s most picturesque playgrounds. Newport Beach and the surrounding areas boast museums, world-class shopping malls, restaurants, golf courses, theme parks (including Disneyland, and California Adventure), and the famous Orange County Performing Arts Center."

A last minute change sent Lindsay to a UCLA rehab and deprived her of surfing, shopping and going to Disneyland for the next 90 days. I'm strongly considering developing an addiction so I can take a vacation for 3 months.


Lindsay planned a big exit from jail that included calling in her famous hairstylist to make her look good on the 30 second walk from the jail door to her car. Well the people at the jail foiled that plan. As tons of media were camped outside the front doors and Lindsay was getting ready to make her grand exit, she was taken to a back door and immediately put into a waiting SUV. Instead of getting time off like the spoiled bitch wanted, she was taken straight to rehab where she will spend the next 90 days. Unlike jail, Lindsay has to spend the entire sentence time in rehab and can't get out early.

People commented that Lindsay is "very upset" that she wasn't allowed to see her family before going to rehab. The article also says...

"Lohan, the source adds, is feeling depressed.' '[She] is having a difficult time accepting that she will be in rehab for the next three months,' the source says. 'She still doesn't think that she needs any help.'"

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. In honor of Lindsay's rehab and constant bitching:

Snooki's Mugshot

Fresh off of her phenomenal debut in the Jersey Shore season 2 (the Obama tanning tax, loves Miami except the trannies, Pilgrims around in the '20s, etc.), Snooki was back to her classy ways. We all know she was arrested for being a fucking dumbass. Oh, I meant Disorderly Conduct but either works. Anyway, her mug shot was finally put on the internet and I couldn't wait to post it for you.


Fuck she is ugly. I'd totally still bang her though...but don't worry, with like 5 million condoms.

Snooki Arrested in Jersey

The classy continue to get classier. Snooki was arrested moments ago in Jersey for disorderly conduct. She was seen pouring coke into a beer bong but wasn't photographed with any alcohol unless she had that coke pre-mixed. She was seen doing body shots earlier in the day. Police found her in her usual drunken state on the beach wearing a t-shirt that said "SLUT". She was heard screaming "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". She is one of the ugliest bitches I have ever seen and I'm still not really sure why she's famous. I'd like to see her in a cage match against Verne Troyer. Seeing as how fat she got recently she might just sit on him and end it.

The 2nd season of "Jersey Shore" premiered last night and if you didn't watch it I highly suggest you do because it features all of the things we loved about the 1st season - idiots, drinking, fighting and supplying us with even more reasons to hate New Jersey.

*Click to enlarge*

Check out a video of here being arrested here and a video of her face-planting after trying to get on a bike before she was arrested here.

Source

Man Arrested Hiding 18 Monkeys in His Jacket

In this weeks podcast Blog Dylan claimed that tax evasion was the most bad ass crime, that might have been true one day ago, but it is now second. A man was arrested yesterday in Mexico for smuggling in 18 monkeys from Peru. What's even more ballin' about this crime is that the monkeys were endangered and you need a special permit just to own one. When I first read this story a couple of questions came to mind; one how the hell do you get these 18 monkeys all way from Peru, on a plane, to Mexico. Question two is what do you tell the cops when they catch you with a poncho full of apes, lets break this thing down.

First let's tackle the how Juan Apeington did it. He went for the old "stuff the tiny monkeys in pouches and stuff them in your clothing" (classic). I would have to believe that there is a specific online store that sells monkey pouches, and if there isn't one I need to buy monkeypouches.com ASAP. Now that that is answered it's time to call out Peru for being an awful county. How do you not notice a man with 18 MONKEYS IN HIS FUGGIN' SHIRT!?! I mean come on! I'm no TSA agent, but I think a man smugglin' 18 monkeys would be a pretty easy spot. That being said, props to Mexico for not being a bunch of dumbasses and catching this guy, well done guys, well done.

So now put yourself in Mr. Apeington's shoes, you've been caught with 18 pouches of monkey, what do you do? Well this guy was quick on his feet and claimed he bought the lot for $30 bucks and was going to keep them as pets. I honestly can't blame him for this lame excuse, I would have done the same. At this point he was probably resigned to his fate of forever being known as the guy who almost smuggled 18 monkeys into Mexico in velvet pouches. I bet when he comes in the US illegally his boys are going to give him a lot of shit for this one.

UPDATE: We have a prototype of the UggBootsforMen Monkey Pouch!

Ice T Arrested

Fin Tutuola was arrested today and nobody cared. Along with Wesley Snipes, this is the second unimportant black actor arrested in the past few days. And again it was for a really manly crime. No not drug trafficking or grand theft auto. Yeah you got it, not wearing a seatbelt which lead to the officer finding out he was driving on a suspended license. The best part of this story is he was with his wife Coco, which gives us an excuse to put up a picture of her.