Man Arrested Hiding 18 Monkeys in His Jacket

In this weeks podcast Blog Dylan claimed that tax evasion was the most bad ass crime, that might have been true one day ago, but it is now second. A man was arrested yesterday in Mexico for smuggling in 18 monkeys from Peru. What's even more ballin' about this crime is that the monkeys were endangered and you need a special permit just to own one. When I first read this story a couple of questions came to mind; one how the hell do you get these 18 monkeys all way from Peru, on a plane, to Mexico. Question two is what do you tell the cops when they catch you with a poncho full of apes, lets break this thing down.

First let's tackle the how Juan Apeington did it. He went for the old "stuff the tiny monkeys in pouches and stuff them in your clothing" (classic). I would have to believe that there is a specific online store that sells monkey pouches, and if there isn't one I need to buy monkeypouches.com ASAP. Now that that is answered it's time to call out Peru for being an awful county. How do you not notice a man with 18 MONKEYS IN HIS FUGGIN' SHIRT!?! I mean come on! I'm no TSA agent, but I think a man smugglin' 18 monkeys would be a pretty easy spot. That being said, props to Mexico for not being a bunch of dumbasses and catching this guy, well done guys, well done.

So now put yourself in Mr. Apeington's shoes, you've been caught with 18 pouches of monkey, what do you do? Well this guy was quick on his feet and claimed he bought the lot for $30 bucks and was going to keep them as pets. I honestly can't blame him for this lame excuse, I would have done the same. At this point he was probably resigned to his fate of forever being known as the guy who almost smuggled 18 monkeys into Mexico in velvet pouches. I bet when he comes in the US illegally his boys are going to give him a lot of shit for this one.

UPDATE: We have a prototype of the UggBootsforMen Monkey Pouch!

Rent a Friend: A Place for Rich Losers

While prowling the interwebs I discovered what may possibly be the most disturbing/awesome website of all time. It is called Rent a Friend and it a place where you can literally pay people to hang out with you. All you have to do is enter your zip code and the site will find "friends" in your area. While surfing this site I found true diamonds in the rough, some examples are...

This is Marjorie, a 50 year old black woman who loves hiking and being your wingman. I would gladly pay $150 a day to hang brain (hang with your testicles out) with her. She is also willing to take you to her favorite bar and introduce her to her crew. What kind of crew she has, I don't know, but if she is renting herself out as a friend she must be a professional friend. If Marjorie isn't the girl for you we have...









This is Carole, she is 70 years young and is just dying to hang out with you! (for $200 a day of course). Her interests include bowling, going to museums, and wine tasting. She says that she is a "professional author and speaker in the metaphysical field with a very flexible schedule". Carole seems like a old fashion gal with an interest in metaphysics (also known as bullshit in the trade). If these two gems aren't your taste I've saved the best for last..

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This handsome gentleman's name is Phil. He is 55 years old and is ready to rumble. He is a master gardener and loves to have theological debates...but he has a catch...he says he is "allergic" to alcohol and tobacco. This probably means that he is a reformed wife beater (fingers crossed). He also won many artistic awards so he can paint your portrait similar to the movie Titanic. I'm very tempted to demand he paint an ultra realistic portrait of my meat. That's the only way I would get my moneys worth out of my time with Phil.