I HATE NEW YEARS EVE.

Most overrated holiday of all time? You bet. Every year it gets over hyped as the best party night of the year but I've yet to go to a new years party that ranks in my top 10 best nights ever. It's just sloppy. People drink too much, too early and it's lights out by 1 AM. I don't about you but I like partying past 1 AM on New Years. I'm all about bad decisions. And what about the finger food? Yeah it's there but you know what happens when you munch all night? You gotta shit. You like shitting in other people's bathrooms? I don't. Sellberg's bathroom is the only one I'll blow up without thinking. I don't mean the kitchen bathroom, I mean his own personal bedroom bathroom. I open the sports page and let it rip. Come back down 5 minutes later and start yelling stat lines from the Portland/Golden State game like you read about. Anyway. It's a weird night. It's always a weird, weird fucking night. I'll probably end up having a random 15 minute conversation with some dude named tommy hammersticks who has a hard on for me because I write posts like Jack Hannah molests children. That means I do it with a passion and a whisper of class while wearing nothing but khaki.

The Yankees Wanna Party Like It's 1999

Former Cy Young Award winner Bartolo Colon told a newspaper in the Dominican Republic that the Yankees are one of three teams that have expressed interest in him. Colon has not pitched in the major leagues since July 24, 2009, but the 37-year-old has been working on a comeback in the Dominican Winter League. The Rangers and Indians also have shown interest, according to Colon. “I’ll go with the one that signs me,” Colon told El Dia.

 Fun fact about myself. I used to eat the Cleveland Indians up. Robby Alomar, Man-Ram, Jim Thome, Omar Vizquel and Bartolo Colon. My dream squad in Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest 2000 on N64. But this aint 1999 anymore. Bartolo Colon isn't ever going to go 18-5 again. Yeah, he went 21-8 in 2005 but in 5 years since then he's played in a total number of 48 games. But the bottom line: Mark Prior and Bartolo Colon in the same off season? Is Brian Cashman trying to be Theo Epstein? Hey idiot, the Smoltz/Brad Penny experiment didn't work for us. Why would it work for you?

Fuck This Game.

I think I like the idea of it more than I actually like it. Just like the actual game of golf. It's great when you're playing your dick off but then you get a bogey on the 10th hole and your confidence starts to slip. So then what happens? Maybe you par #11. All seems well but you're still kicking yourself for letting Rory and Tiger back in the game with that bogey. And then the competition gets a birdie here and there and you're still playing even par golf. You tell yourself you gotta come up with a big shot on #16. An eagle or birdie to make the girls pass out in their seats. So you start pressing. Why hit a draw around the tree when you can take out the driver and fucking hit over and cut out about 50 yards? Because you can't. That's why. But do you think that at the time? Fuck no. You go by the name "Sweetness" and you just wanna win the US Open to win 1,000 XP points to add to your golfer's skill set. That's me right now. I'm a fucking mess over a dumb fucking video game. It's actually a great a video game but right now it's a piece of shot. I hope it gets banged with an AIDS dick.

Phew!

Boston Celtics president of basketball operations Danny Ainge said Thursday afternoon that an MRI (and further examinations) confirmed that Kevin Garnett's injury is indeed a muscle injury in his calf area of his right leg and not to his surgically repaired knee. Ainge, speaking on Boston sports radio station WEEI, estimated Garnett would miss, at the most, two weeks with the injury. Garnett injured the leg as he threw down a first-quarter dunk in Wednesday night's loss to the Pistons, limping off the court and not returning. X-rays performed during the game showed no fractures. Coach Doc Rivers reiterated his optimistic outlook from Wednesday night on Thursday, saying early indications are that Garnett's injury is not significant and is not to his surgically repaired knee.


Remember when I said the season was over? I take that back and then some. Muscle strains aren't shit. I pull a muscle every time I get out of bed in the morning and I still show up to work and win blogging titles. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to raping the PGA Tour on Xbox 360. Tell Tiger Woods that somebody nicknamed "Sweetness" is coming for his ass.



P.S. Why the low level of production on the blogs this week? Relax. I consider this vacation week until New Years Day. I got too many new toys to play with.

FUCK.

Celtics forward Kevin Garnett appeared to injure his surgically repaired right knee while leaping for a first-quarter slam dunk Wednesday night against the Detroit Pistons.  The Celtics officially dubbed it a "lower right leg injury" and Garnett underwent X-rays, which were negatives for fractures. Garnett will wait until Thursday to undergo an MRI back in Boston to check for ligament damage.  Garnett's knee bent awkwardly as he planted to leap. He hung on the rim, his face displaying obvious pain, and Garnett limped up the court before committing an intentional foul at midcourt to stop the game. He bent to the ground in pain before hobbling to the bench where Celtics trainer Ed Lacerte examined his knee. 

There goes the season. There goes any shot at banner #18. We can win without Perk and Shaq and maybe even Ray but KG is one guy we can't get it done without. Garnett hobbled off the court and you just knew. It's like that scene in Bambi where the father comes out of the woods and says, "son, your mother can't be with you anymore." Kevin Garnett cannot and will not be with us anymore. I'm gonna go drink a bottle of water and maybe cough up some blood

Tucker Carlson Thinks Michael Vick Should Be Executed

Ugh. I hate the right and I hate them with a passion. I love dogs just as much as the next guy but your dog getting hit by a car wouldn't be same as your 3 year old child getting hit by a car. And that still wouldn't result in an execution. Hey Fox News, think before you talk. Just once. That's all I ask.


P.S. You're a Christian and still think he should have been executed? Riiiiight.

Classic Gay Man Fight

Just a few questions for this one. Where the fuck is the fight taking place? 21 Jump Street? I love the ego on the first fat kid, though. Egging the crowd on like Hulk Hogan getting ready to fight the The Ultimate Warrior. But that's kind of where the fight starts and ends because the second fatty was all business. No showboating, no doing dougie, simply show him the target and let him slap the shit out of it. I don't care if you're gay, chinese, lebonese, or retarded. This is how real men settle disputes. The only problem I have with it all is the other kids trying to taunt them with gay slurs. There's no need to call them fat faggots. They know they're fat faggots. Let the fat faggots be fat faggots.



P.S. What are they fighting over? No way it's a dude. The gays aren't desperate enough to start boning fat guys.

This Story Broke My Fever And Got Me Back On The Court

Amber Portwood has probably had better post-holiday weeks. A brand-new mugshot reveals the Teen Mom Placed on a 24-hour hold with $5000 bail, Portwood was formally charged with four counts (three felony, one misdemeanor) related to several alleged physical attacks against Gary Shirley, her ex-fiance and father to her 2-year-old daughter Leah.

Fuck yeah. If any bitch deserves to get the shit beat out of her, it's Amber from Teen Mom. She would have been better off getting kicked down the stairs when she was pregnant than she is was right now.  She's just a giant C-word. I'd never touch a female but she might be the only exception. Like I'd totally clean her clock out. Go all Manny Pacquiao on her and knock her the fuck out then walk away smiling. And if I'm Gary, I'm doing one thing and one thing only. Strap the baby in the car seat, start up the 1998 dodge van and put on Springsteen's "Born to Run." I wanna know if love is wild babe, I wanna know if love is real.

Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wife, Hide Ya Husbands Because Storm Adrian Is Gonna Rape Everybody!

The bottom line is this. I'm got flu like symptoms and this is a big deal because I don't get sick. I barely even get a cold. So when I start feeling sick, it must mean God is calling me to return home. I refuse to get off the couch for the next 48 hours. I also refuse to blog. You don't wanna be around me when I'm not feeling right. I just don't have that normal mojo that usually pumps through my pores. My charm is gone, my looks are out of the window, I can barely keep my eyes open and if anyone says something that turns me the wrong way, I fucking snap. Like even the cat isn't safe today. If he keeps rubbing on my leg, he's gonna be enjoying the storm with the poor people today. Outside. With HIV.

Merry Christmas?

WEST HARTFORD, Conn. -- West Hartford police arrested a teen who they said threw a Christmas tree at her parents during an argument.Police said they were sent to a home on Boulanger Avenue around 12:30 a.m. Friday. When police arrived, they said they found the Christmas tree on its side with ornaments and decorations strewn around the room. After an investigation, police said Francheska Terreo, 19, was drunk and had attacked her mother and father, eventually throwing the Christmas tree at her father.

I need this girl to be my new blogger and I needed her yesterday. Do I condone her throwing a Christmas tree at her family? Absolutely not. It's simply barbaric. But it shows she has something a lot of people don't have. A serious fire in her belly. Throwing a Christmas tree is no easy feat. You don't just pick it up like a chair and toss it across the room like a new born baby. That's exactly what this blog needs. Snap judgments and posts that absolutely blow the lid of your ass. It's no secret I've gone a little soft in the past month. I can't remember the last time I made fun of Aids, homosexuality, rape victims, fat kids, sellberg, or even jordon brault. Must be the holiday season getting to me. Kidding. Francheska Terreo sounds like a fat european hoe bag with aids and used to get raped every thursday by her gay dad who looked liked the love child of sellberg and jordon brault. Whammy.

HAPPY FESTIVUS!

The airing of grievances followed by feats of strength. I swear to God that shit happens whenever family gets together for the holidays.

This Is So Dumb.

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Procter & Gamble Co. will not renew its endorsement deal with golfer Tiger Woods at the end of the year, adding another name to the list of companies that cut ties with the golfer after last year's revelations of marital infidelities. The company used Woods, Roger Federer, Lionel Messi and dozens of other athletes as part of its three-year "Gillette Champions" marketing campaign. Gillette said Thursday it was phasing out that program and not renewing the contract with Woods and several other athletes. It stopped using Woods himself in the campaign months ago. The golfer was once the most sought-after pitchman in sports and was the first athlete to earn $1 billion from endorsement agreements. However, many corporations cut ties or distanced themselves from Woods.

Dumb, dumb, dumb. Everyone and their mother should know Tiger is coming back and coming back hard in 2011. He's single, he's stronger, he's got his head right and most importantly, he has facial hair. And now that goatee finally makes sense to me. Tiger obviously knew Gillette was cutting ties with him at the end of the year so what does he do? He starts rocking the facial hair as a fuck you to Gillette razors. Like who needs that shit? If I'm Tiger, I'm growing a fucking beard down to my balls when I put the green jacket on next year. Fuck sponsorships and fuck caring about what people think. "Yeah, I look dirty. Yeah, I slam out 200 chicks a year. Yeah, I curse like a sailor on the golf course. Yeah, I show up to work and everybody is terrified of my next move. And you know what? I love me some me."

This Is What Sean Avery Will Do To Your Face

Anyone else watch 24/7 on HBO? You should. Last night Matt Hendricks talked about how Sean Avery knocked him the fuck out. OK, he didn't say it like that but he mentioned he got his war scar in a bout with that Avery guy from New York.

Is Gonzo The Greatest Guy Ever?

LA JOLLA, Calif. -- During their negotiations prior to officially acquiring Adrian Gonzalez from the San Diego Padres, the Boston Red Sox were told by Gonzalez that the terms he would seek on a contract extension would not change between December and the start of the season, even if Albert Pujols set the market with a mega-deal in the interim.  According to Gonzalez, that was a key concern for the Red Sox, who would have been in a tough spot had Pujols -- who, like Gonzalez, is eligible for free agency after 2011 -- signed a contract for $30 million-plus a season. If that happened, Gonzalez could turn around and tell the Red Sox, sorry, but what would have gotten a deal done in December no longer holds water in April. The price has changed, and if you don't meet it, we'll just go out on the market after the season. Gonzalez said he assured the Red Sox that would not happen. "I made a comment to [Red Sox general manager] Theo [Epstein], 'Make the trade happen by itself, and I promise you during the season I'll negotiate,' " Gonzalez told ESPNBoston.com. "I'm not going to come here and be like, 'OK, we'll see you at free agency and see if you outbid the other teams.' We'll negotiate during the season. We're going to be fair. We won't be looking for record-breaking deals. We just want market value.

Give this guy the Nobel Peace Prize and all that good shit that comes with it. He has every right to tell Boston he doesn't want to sign a deal because he wants to wait for Pujols' earth shattering contract to set the market. Set the some records in the bank account department. But will he? Nope. He doesn't even care what number we give him or what spot we place him in the batting order. He says, "Hey fellas. I like you. You like me. Let's not rush into things because that's how marriages end.  Let's grow together and start a family on common ground." Amazing. He is the anti-Aroid. He is the anti-Texeira. He is the anti-Lebron. Adrian Gonzalez is the only thing that's right in a world that is universally so wrong.

There Will Be a Murder On May 7th

Pound-for-pound king Manny Pacquiao, unable to get even a response from Floyd Mayweather Jr. gauging his interest in a fight, instead will defend his welterweight belt against former champion Shane Mosley on May 7 in a pay-per-view fight at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. "We came to a meeting of the minds," Top Rank promoter Bob Arum told ESPN.com on Tuesday night after a final meeting with Mosley and his adviser, James Prince, at the Top Rank offices in Las Vegas. "[Top Rank matchmaker] Bruce Trample says it's a very difficult fight. I believe it will be an exciting fight. Shane knows how to fight and how to deal with the speed. Manny is in for a hellacious fight. I really believe styles make fights." Arum said the fight will take place at the welterweight limit of 147 pounds.  "I know that they think I'm an old man and that Manny is going to beat me. Let them think that," said Mosley, a former lightweight, welterweight and junior middleweight champion. "I still have power and speed. They thought I was done before I knocked out [Antonio] Margarito, too. So they can think whatever they want. I know what I can do."

I don't like this fight at all mainly because I don't like watching murder on television. Does Shane Mosley not watch boxing? Has he not seen what Pacquiao has done to his past 30 opponents. It's fucking brutal. I'm actually scared Shane Mosley is going to die because he's so oblivious as to what's gonna happen to him once he gets in the ring. Pac-Man will knock him the fuck out in 7 rounds and then we're gonna be singing "Nothing's gonna change my love for you." Fact.

I Am Speechless.

The New York Jets are on the verge of making the playoffs, but the focus once again is off the field as coach Rex Ryan is being asked whether his wife, Michelle, posted foot-fetish videos on the Internet. In a conference call with Chicago reporters leading up to Sunday's big game with the Bears, Ryan didn't deny a Deadspin.com report that shows a number of videos of a woman who looks very much like his wife showing off her feet while a cameraman -- who sounds like Ryan -- talks to the woman. "I know you need to ask, it's a personal matter," Ryan said, according to the Chicago Tribune, when asked if the situation could snowball into a distraction. He said it was between him and his wife and he would not elaborate beyond that. The Jets already had issued a statement: "This is a personal matter and Rex will have no comment." The story made the front page of the New York Daily News. Ryan is scheduled to meet with the New York media Wednesday afternoon.

You don't have to put your feet in? Dudes get off to that shit? It's not even a question if that's his wife or not. If it wasn't then all Rex has to do is deny it to the media but instead he says it's a personal matter and he's dealing with it internally. In other words, "Oh shit." I just don't get the whole foot fetish thing. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It's equal parts shocked, freaked out, disgusted and absolutely ecstatic that something bad is happening to the city of New York again.

If The Last Post Didn't Illustrate My Anger, This Will.

I'm Gonna Kill Myself

Typical me. Always trying to out-think the room and look like the fucking hero with the miraculous brain and stunning cock. But here's the kicker. I didn't even do that this year. Usually I switch my lineup up like 6 times before I make it final on Sunday but not this season. I decided to grip it and rip it like Tiger Woods all year and it led me to a 10-3 season and on the fast track to defending my crown. So what the fuck do I do yesterday? Keep doing what I'm doing, right? Wrong. I'm up 20 from the previous week, so I start thinking, ya know? Start playing pocket pool with my own balls. Feeling myself a little bit because I'm able to eat like a fat kid and still be built like Manny Pacquiao. I can do it all. Like, "hey Ricky Williams is going up against the Bills. I haven't played him once all season but why not slide him into the flex spot? Take out Jeremy Maclin because he hasn't had a big game in 2 weeks. Just go with Desean Jackson and Dwayne Bowe. Terrific!" Yeah fuck that. FUCK THAT WITH A WATER FALL OF DIARRHEA COMING FROM MY MOUTH. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. What the fuck was I thinking? IS RICKY WILLIAMS EVEN THE STARTER?!?! I'm not God. I'm not Coach Belichick. I can't be a bold maverick all season and then all of a sudden turn into the master of panic. Moving pieces all around the board like a god damn chump. Maclin put up 15 points yesterday. Percy Harvin is on my bench and he just scored a TD on the first drive of the game. I'm pissed off. I'm flustered. I'm furious. I have nobody to be mad at but myself and it's becoming an all too familiar feeling.


P.S. Go choke on a bag of dicks.  All of you.

P.P.S. No, I don't know where one would obtain a bag of dicks. Kind of an awkward request though, right?

I Wanna Rehab Like Rondo

Is This The Most Obnoxious Pedroia Shirt Ever?

Saw it today during my holiday shopping travels. The funny thing is you know Pedroia has like 15 of those hanging in his closet and wears them after every laser show. Probably has one waiting in his locker for when he hits a walk off against the Yankees.

Santa Robs a Bar

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. -- Call it a ho-ho-holdup. Police say a man dressed as Santa Claus has robbed a Rhode Island yacht club. Authorities say a bartender was alone in the East Providence Yacht Club Sunday night when a large man wearing a red suit, red hat, white beard and carrying a sack walked into the bar and brandished a gun. The bartender fled and ran to a nearby business where she called 911. By the time police arrived, the Santa bandit - as well as an undetermined amount of cash from the register - was missing.

And this is why women should not be bartenders. Yeah, they're nice to look at but your pathetic flirting isn't gonna get you anywhere except empty in the pockets because you'll be tipping her all night. Whatever. I think being robbed by a Santa Claus is the only way to go. Like how badass of a guy can he be to dress up as Santa? You know must have some sort of sense of humor. I've never heard of a murderer who dressed up as Claus. Now if he walked in there with a gun and in street clothes then you have a problem on your hands. That's the defintion of an "oh fuck" moment. Those types simply don't give a fuck. They don't care if you see their face because you're gonna be a dead man in 2 minutes. Ya, I watch Criminal Minds at 10 on Ion Television. So remember this. Thief breaks into your house in a costume, you're good to go. Dan Donahue comes through your door in a t-shirt and jeans, I'd start taping your asshole shut because it's gonna be a long night in pound town.

Could This Happen Again?

David Beckham has revealed that he wants to again play for a European club this winter in a bid to win back his England place, but has ruled out a move to Everton, claiming he would only play for Manchester United in the Premier League. Beckham has spent the last two winters on loan from Los Angeles Galaxy at Milan but accepts that move will not happen again. The 35-year-old said: "I won't be going back to Milan this time because is not possible to go onto the roster for such a short length of time. But I will be going back somewhere as I want to keep myself fit and keep myself in with a chance of getting called up for England again. To do that, I have to be somewhere so fingers crossed I can sort something out." Beckham, whose Major League Soccer season with LA Galaxy does not begin again until March, has trained with Arsenal in the past to regain his fitness, but he will resist offers to play for any top-flight English club apart from United, despite David Moyes, the Everton manager, making it clear that the former England captain would be welcomed at Goodison Park.

Is Becks gonna play until he's 40? He probably could and probably will.  Dude has a svelte body like a god damn Burmese python. That's a fact. He takes his shirt off on the field whenever he can. But the real question is this. Is Beckham the most disappointing signing in the history of American sports? Besides Carl Pavano. He really hasn't done shit for the Galaxy besides get his captain arm band stripped away in the same year Landon Donovan talked shit about him in that book. And you know you have some issues when Landon Donovan talks about you. It'd be like Lindsay Lohan telling you to relax on the cocaine for a bit.

A Win Is a Win Is a Win is a Win.

This game was bound to happen. Even Andrew Jackson had some rough days in office and he'd wake up the next day and realize he still had to work do. I actually think if Aaron Rodgers played, would have won by 10 or 14 points. We always play down or up to the level of quarterback. We completely emasculated guys like Manning/Roethlisberger/Cutler/Sanchez/Favre but made Colt Mccoy, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Flynn look like Johnny fucking Unitas. It's what we do. And a win is a win. Wasn't pretty, wasn't dominating but we walk away 12-2 and one win away from clinching home field advantage throughout the playoffs. I'll take it.

Demi Lovato Possible Sex Tape

At the end of October, Demi Lovato was all set to start a South American leg of the Jonas Brothers tour. A few days into the tour, reports surfaced that she beat the hell out of a backup dancer and had left the tour to enter rehab. Demi has been suspected of being a cutter and getting bullied so going to rehab should not have surprised us but reports surfaced that she was in rehab for alcohol and coke addictions. The first word that comes to mind is, "boss".

A few days after the report of her going to rehab leaked came the report that she punched that backup dancer in the face. The reason, according to reports, was that Demi and friends were partying hard (i.e. being awesome) and her dad found out (likely because of that stupid backup dancer). Basically Demi tries to have fun while "backup dancers" tell on her.

Anywho, Demi is in "rehab" right now but that hasn't stopped various reports of her past behaviors from surfacing. The other day two pictures of her partying with friends surfaced.

On one hand these pictures are really awesome because they feature an 18-year old Disney star licking another girl and pulling down her shirt but on the other hand there's a really creepy dude in the background. Oh yeah, there's also the fact that her tits look like she borrowed them from an MTV reality TV series contestant.

This weekend reports surfaced that Demi has a sex tape that will probably surface soon. She turned 18 this past August so the videos had to be recorded in the last few months or else everyone involved will become regular names on Nightline. According to the report,

"This girl is already in trouble, so we’ll try to take it easy on her. On her recent tour, she frequently kicked everyone else off the tour bus so that she could bring random guys aboard. They would spend hours doing what hormonally-charged kids do while her band had to wait outside. One of the people who waited outside was her chaperone, a relative who knew exactly what was happening and did nothing. By the way, our girl loves to film everything. Everything. Yes, there is more than a chance that it will be made public soon"

All I have to say is that she sounds 1) Awesome to party with 2) Less annoying than other 18-year olds 3) Do I need a "3" after those 2? If you don't know who Demi Lovato is or haven't listened to her music, watch this music video and it will rock your world.

Like I Said. Sucks To Be a New York Fan This Week Part 3.

Wow. I mean WOW. Jets lose 45-3 on Monday Night Football 2 weeks ago to kick things off. Then they try to cheat themselves to a win and end up losing to Miami in an embarassing showing. Sox officially welcome Carl Crawford to the Red Sox. Cliff Lee tells the Yankees to suck his dick and signs with Philly. Knicks lose to Boston. Knicks get knocked the fuck out by Miami 2 days later.  Giants are up 31-10 with 7 minutes left and end up losing to Philly, the same city that Cliff Lee went to for less money. Ouch. That's called shitting the bed and then some. All while the Celtics expand their winning streak to 13 and the Patriots are going for win number 12 to remain the best team in football. Ya, my mojo is working right now. Working overtime.

Creepy.

WHAT IS DONAHUE GRABBING?!?! THE HORROR!



P.S. At what age is it not OK to let a boy sit on your lap? I gotta go with anything after 4. He's at least 10.

Lazy Sunday And You're Waiting For The Delicious Slate of Football Games To Start? Here's a Good Time Waster

This Guy Is Supposed To Beat The Patriots Today? OK.

GREEN BAY, Wis. -- Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers did not receive medical clearance after sustaining his second concussion of the season and was ruled out for Sunday night's game at New England. Matt Flynn, a seventh-round draft pick out of LSU in 2008, is expected to make his first career start for the Packers.

 Good looking kid, 2 years out of college and a 7th round pick coming into relieve the starter after an injury. Sound familiar? Uhh ya. That's the Tom Terrific story but the good thing is, that book has already been written. The movie script is still in development. You can't make a remake of a movie while the original hasn't even been finished. That's like Hollywood 101. My only question is by how many points do we win tonight? 56? I'd put the wife and kids to bed early. It's gonna be a take you out back and give you an old fashioned beat down type of game.

I Like This Deal. I Like This a Lot.

The Orlando Magic capped a blockbuster day of wheeling and dealing by trading one franchise cornerstone for another, sending Rashard Lewis to the Washington Wizards for Gilbert Arenas on Saturday. That trade followed news of a deal that shipped Vince Carter to the Phoenix Suns in a six-player swap that returns Hedo Turkoglu to the Magic. The Magic also get Jason Richardson and Earl Clark from the Suns in exchange for Carter, Marcin Gortat, Mickael Pietrus, a 2011 first-round pick and cash considerations. "We needed a little bit more punch," Magic president Otis Smith said. "All those guys coming in have an ability to move the ball. After looking at our team through 25 games, we were missing a little something. I thought change was needed."

I hate the Orlando Magic and Dwight Howard and their coach and Vince Carter and everything that has to do with the state of Florida. But I love Gilbert Arenas and I like J-rich and have always gotten a little hard for Hedo's game. Does this mean I kinda like Orlando now? I don't know. I know I might be secretly rooting for them because I wanna see Arenas back on his game. He's a good player and people seem to forget that and it's fucking shameful. Poor guy brings a couple guns into the arena and we start treating him like he has gay man aids.

He's Going the Distance

You know what they say. If you can't jump it, crush it. Just an all around inspirational video to get your Friday started off on the right foot.

Is This Asshole Serious?

I think I'm just gonna start a daily post where I rip apart motherfuckers on Facebook. It's way too easy and seems like it's something I was born to do. Point our faults of others while being totally oblivious to my own. Anyway, I'm not friend, bro. I'm not your pal or anything other than just a dude you shouldn't have fucked with. At least not today. I'm tired and pissed off and hungry. Do I think I have what it takes to be lord? Uhh ya. This is my kingdom right here you idiot. I run blogs from here to the end of the Farmington River. I'm already the best in the land and have a world title belt to prove it. So unless you're gonna come to my house, put a crown on my head, build me my own throne and make 8 naked gypsy's dance for me, then no I don't want to play Kingdoms of Camelot. Grow the fuck up.



=====================) V
That's my dick fucking the competition.

You Know That Right Handed Bat We're Looking For?

This isn’t quite Bobby Bonilla territory (I said it was “close” earlier, but that’s obviously not true — apologies if I offended any of you with such a comparison), anyway, it’s news to me. According to Gordon Edes of ESPN Boston, the Red Sox will pay Manny Ramirez $1.94 million for each of the next 16 years, beginning in 2011. Ramirez was given $31 million in deferred payments as part of the eight-year, $160 million contract he signed with the Red Sox in December of 2000. But that’s not all. Ramirez will also receive $15 million in deferred payments from the Dodgers over the next three years, including $3,333,333 in 2011 and 2012 and $8.3 million in 2013.

If we're gonna be paying the guy for the next 16 years, why not tack on another with about $9 million attached to it? We're not asking him to play everyday and I bet Big Papi would go ape shit to have his best friend back in town. He'd be a great DH against left handed pitchers because Ortiz can't hit against them for shit and in a pinch, Manny can play outfield when JD Drew pulls a hammy. Everyone always talks about how he quit on us and talked himself out of town and blah, blah, blah. I don't give a fuck. Manny can swing the bat and that's all we're looking for at this point. Just something to think about it while kicking rocks. Rocks are all I can afford to kick at this point. Click on some ads or die.

This Is The Destruction Of a Star.

Ronaldinho, 30, has struggled to live up to expectations since leaving Barcelona in 2008 and, with his contract due to expire in the summer, there have been persistent reports that he will be moving on.Ronaldinho would welcome a move to Palmeiras if he decides to leave AC Milan, according to his agent. Palmeiras have announced their interest in taking the player back to Brazil and, while the player is yet to make a decision, brother and agent Roberto de Assis has revealed a deal is possible. "Ronaldinho would like to return to Brazil because he has the desire to win the trophies that he is still missing, like the Brasileirao and the Copa Libertadores, and Palmeiras are a club of great prestige," he told Radio Bandeirantes.

I'd be lying if I said this doesn't tear me up inside because I know Ronaldinho's competitive soccer career is over after this. You don't go from the Italian league which is pretty much nancy boy soccer to the Brazilian league and then think about making a name for yourself again on the International stage. David Beckham is the only exception because he's an absolutely beautiful piece of human specimen. Just look at how Ronaldo's career ended. He's still puttering around for Corinthians and bitches love him in Brazil because he's their national hero and always will be but soccer is a global game and you gotta be on top of the world to be newsworthy these days. The bottom line is you don't go down to the minor leagues in the prime of your career and then make a comeback. Unless you're Mark Prior. I'm telling you, that was a great signing by Cashman. Remember when the Sox signed Smoltz and Brad Penny? Oh. Wait. That didn't work out at all.

Way Too Much Going On In This Photo

KG taking a bow like it's broadway. Sugar Ray smiling because life is sweet. Tiny Nate getting back up after he flipped over Pierce's back. The Truth starting his victory lap of Madison Square Garden like a real gentleman. Fucking classic.

Did Hulk Hogan Marry His Daughter?

He certainly has a type. Doesn't matter though because he is a real American and he fights for the rights of every man. Fight for what's right, fight for your life. Words to live by, indeed.

Is This The Most Random Fight Ever?

I don't know. It all kind of confused me. Avery obviously bumped him to keep him away from Hank but then it looked like his glove accidentally came off so Asham saw that and gave him the look and the fight was on.

You Gotta Beat Somebody Before It's a Rivalry

I'll give the Knicks and Amare some credit. They played well against a team that has our starting center, his back up and the back up to to our back up on the bench. You think Amare would be able to dunk whenever the fuck he wanted with Shaq or Perkins in the paint? Nope. Somebody would be flattened on the hardwood. There's no doubt New York is improved and they'll probably be able to hang out around with the good teams in the league but that's where the story ends. They can hang with the big boys but they can't beat the big boys. Celts were behind all night until it was grown man business time and Sugar Ray remembered what it felt like to light up Madison Square Garden. But let's get to the real important part. Is Paul Pierce one of the most clutch players of all time? There wasn't a doubt in my mind he was going to score. You give him 12 seconds on the clock and that's just enough time for him to dribble, spin and step back to the corner key for his sweet spot. Pierce and Kobe are the only guys you say "Oh shit" when they have the ball in their hands and the clock winding down

Like I Said. Sucks To Be a New York Fan This Week

 These are the shocking new pictures of the boy who weeps blood. Calvino Inman, 17, has been suffering from the mysterious condition for two years and doctors remain clueless as to how to stem the flow of bleeding, which can last up to an hour at a time. But a documentary which will be shown tomorrow night on American television explores the phenomenon, experienced by only a handful of people around the world. Mr Inman, from Knoxville, Tennessee, is shown undergoing tests to investigate whether a medical issue such as a tumour, tear duct problems, or a genetic defect is causing the bleeding. He said: 'People still call me possessed. The bleeding happens all the time, at school, at home and in the night. ‘I don’t usually know when they’re going to happen but sometimes it burns as it’s coming out. ‘Sometimes I don’t even know it’s happened until people start staring at me.

Boo hoo, bro. People call you a freak because you are. Maybe don't live in Tennessee and be a Mark Sanchez fan. That's Titans country or at least Colts because of the Peyton Manning ball washing that goes on down there. "The bleeding happens all the time, at school, at home and in the night." Gross. You sound like a 14 year old girl who didn't pay attention during the 5th grade seminar where they pointed out that shit.  Not our problem that you have a period coming out of your pores every time the Jets throw up a stinker. Yuck. I need to shower the disease off me after reading this shit.

Paul Pierce Is Right. The Knicks Don't Mean Shit To Me

WALTHAM, Mass. -- As the hype surrounding Wednesday's showdown against the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden starts to ramp up, the Boston Celtics playfully chided their Atlantic Division brethren by decrying the use of "rivalry" too soon. "It's a rivalry?" Celtics captain Paul Pierce asked with a big grin. "Man, y'all are letting me in on all the new stuff, all the talk. I didn't know we had a rivalry going." With the Knicks, winners of eight straight, playing inspired ball and sitting a mere four games back in the division -- about as close an opponent has managed to stay in the Big Three era -- the "r" word is being tossed around freely after years of lying dormant.  "Hey, if that's what y'all want it to be, if it'll sell more tickets and get more viewers, then I guess so," Pierce said. "[The media makes] up the rivalries, we don't. To be honest, New York is playing well, they're in our division, and both teams are streaking, so it's going to be an exciting game." But the Celtics cringe a bit at the suggestion of a rivalry considering it hasn't been much of one in recent years. "I don't know what it is, this rivalry thing, it hasn't been one," said Celtics coach Doc Rivers.

Knicks sign Amare Stoudamire and they act like they're the Miami Heat or something? As if they can actually win a playoff series this season. Not so fast my friends.  Look at the track record. Amare wins you regular season games but even when you paired him up with Steve Nash he couldn't get the job done when it really counted. So magically the Knicks become our competition because you stick Amare with Felton and some nice swing players? Don't think so.  Stoudemire is a good scorer but a shitty defender and the best team and best defense wins you championships in the NBA. There is no rivalry with the Knicks until they win a ring, maybe even get into the playoffs. Just a sad couple weeks to be a New York sports fan.

Yanks Sign Next Best Free Agent Pitcher On The Market: Mark Prior. What Year Is This?

The Yankees signed former No. 2 overall pick Mark Prior to a minor-league contract. Prior, 30, hasn't pitched in the majors since his last year with the Cubs in 2006. If he rises back to the big leagues, Prior will earn $750,000, plus a possible $750,000 in incentives. Prior is said by a friend to feel the Yankees "provided the best opportunity at this time.'' After missing out on Cliff Lee, the Yankees are left with a rotation of CC Sabathia, Phil Hughes, A.J. Burnett and two open spots. If Prior shows he's healthy, he'll be competing with former Cubs teammate Sergio Mitre, Ivan Nova and Andrew Brackman, among others, to fill the openings.

Yankees provided the best opportunity, huh? So that means there were other opportunities out there for a guy who hasn't pitched in the majors in 2006? I'm not gonna jump all over this move like you think I would because I actually kind of like it. Have you seen The Natural? Uhh ya. Coincidence that Mark Prior is going to a New York squad just like Roy Hobbs. I think not. Brian Cashman has been playing chess while Theo Epstein was playing checkers.

Oh Yeah.

Somebody wake up Scotty and tell him the shocker was so 2008. It's the age of the point my man. It's simple and direct. It says, "Hey, I'm bringing it right there and I'll be here all night. Try and stop me."

I Told You The Government Wants My Ass So Bad They Can Taste It

At first I thought USDA was like drug enforcement but then I got smart because that's the DEA. And what could they want from me? I aint Miley Cyrus. I got brain cells working like a motherfucker right now. It's the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Ya. They brought the big guns out to put some fear in my heart. Well I got news for you, Barack. Farmers don't scare me. Midwest aint shit. You bring me a group of farmers and I'll gladly drill them in their ass. You're gonna have to a lot of better than that before I stop blogging. Maybe bring Warren Buffet on my front step with a brief case of Benjamins to shut me up. That just might do it. Seriously. I don't even need a ton of money. Like $600 and I'll never blog again.

YAHTZEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The numbers had been crunched and all the scenarios exhausted Monday night when Cliff Lee finally made his decision. He picked up the phone, thanked Rangers general manager Jon Daniels for his time in Texas and revealed he was signing with the Philadelphia Phillies. Agent Darek Braunecker simultaneously delivered the news to New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman. And just like that, Lee was back where he felt he belonged. The most intriguing negotiation of the hot stove season came to a stunning conclusion late Monday when Lee, 32, spurned bigger offers from the Yankees and Rangers and agreed to a five-year, guaranteed $120 million contract with the Phillies, sources said. The deal includes an "easily reachable" vesting option for a sixth year, a source said, and most likely will ensure that Lee finishes his career in a Philadelphia uniform.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow. That's all I can think of right now. Wow. It's like all those years of the Yankees being complete fuck sticks has finally come back to bite them in the ass. How else can you explain a guy telling New York to take that extra $50 million and shove it up their ass?  I bet if Cliff Lee knew Boston wasn't just offering him a contract to piss off New York, he probably would have accepted it in a heartbeat. He knows we're gonna be facing off against Philly in the fall classic for the next 10 years. There isn't team out there that can match our offensive fire power and I thought maybe, just maybe if Cliff Lee signed with New York we might be in trouble because of all our left handed bats. Well worry no more. Crawford and Jacoby are gonna be running all over your ass. Pedroia will be peforming laser shows. Youk and Gonzo just knocking the shit out of the ball. Papi swinging the shit out of the bat because he's once again in a contract and the same for JD Drew. In other words, you're so fucking fucked it's not even fucking funny. I need this season so start now.


P.S. Might be a good idea to not throw beer on the wife of the pitcher you're trying to sign. 

Guess Who's Single

Good thing the "High School Musical" trilogy already came to an end or things might have been a little awkward on set. According to multiple online reports, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split. Both E! News and Us Weekly are reporting that the duo have gone their separate ways. "It's nothing dramatic," one source told E! about the split. "There's no third party involved." Sources add the couple are still friends, with another one adding, "They were together for so long. It just ran its course." An Us source confirmed those details: "They are still talking and still friends. There's no drama. No one cheated. They just grew up." Reps for Hudgens and Efron didn't respond to MTV News' request for comment by press time. The pair have been busy with their respective careers. Efron is in New Orleans shooting "The Lucky One," while Hudgens is in Hawaii shooting "Journey 2: The Mysterious Island." The pair met on the set of "High School Musical" in 2005 and began dating a couple of years later. 

I think I know where this relationship started going sour. When Efron came home and said he's gonna be shooting a movie called "The Lucky One" and all Vanessa could do to counter it was "Journey 2: The Mysterious Island." I guess you'd have to see Journey 1 first. Must be one of those sequel situations.  But that's not the point. Vanessa Hudgens does it for me. Ever since she sent out those nude pics on her cell phone, I was investing in some Hudgens stock. And that doesn't make her slutty, she wasn't selling her pictures or sending them out to the internet. They were intended for one person only and they got in the wrong hands. That's hot. Dumb but hot. I wouldn't marry her just like I wouldn't marry a stripper but I think I'd invite her out for a beer, see where the night takes us and the next morning lie about texting her later to hang out. That's called getting Dan Donahue'd. Or is that what it's called when you get a DUI? Whoops.

The Storm Is Coming..

First of all, who's the dude giving advice to elliotsvideos.blogspot.com? "Gatta get that dick wet man.." Yeah? Just like that?  Is that how it's done these days? Chivalry must be dead. And here's a little advice from a man to a fellow man. If you're 20 years old and still afraid of girls, you probably have no business hooking up with one in the first place. Maybe try guys for a while. Nothing wrong with that. It's 2010, playboy and a black man is barely president. I can even put in a good word with Sellberg if you want.



P.S. Is this real life?

Sean Avery Wants Some More

That's called giving some dude the business.Which is also what some gay men call it when they're secretly undressing you with their eyes.

Tell The Wife and Kids To Get My 10 Gallon Hat. We're Going To Dallas.

36 to 7? Good grief, Charlie Brown. Do teams know they're gonna get their shit stomped in so they don't show up to games anymore? New York was supposed to beat us so we hung 45 points on their ass. Chicago was gonna be our biggest test of the season. We walked into their house and blew the fucking doors off. Even mother nature tried to step to us and we quickly pulled the rug out from under her and slapped dick to her mouth. Untouchable. That's the only word that I can come up with to describe us. When I say "us" I mean Tom Terrific, Belichick, this blog, Mikey O in snake, Devin McCourty covering wide receivers like he's the government and they're Area 51. That was a bit of a stretch.  I feel on fire lately and that only means one thing. I'm about 5 days from a catastrophic melt down.

Is MJ Serious With That Hitler Mustache?

 

What the fuck is that? Just because he's Michael Jordan he thinks he can dress up as Hitler and get away with it? You know the Jewish population stopped buying Hanes after seeing this commercial. I bet every Rabbi and gypsy saw it and immediately shit the bed. I really hope he simply missed a spot when he was shaving but I don't know. And nobody can tell him he looks like an idiot because he'll throw the fact that he's the greatest basketball player that ever lived right down your throat.

Gross.

Ew. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to sit and watch that game in Chicago. I'm watching the game on TV right now and can still barely see the fucking ball. Seriously. I don't even know what yard line the ball is on. Wes Welker could catch the ball and keep running until he hit the wall and I still wouldn't be able to tell if he's in the end zone or not. Just gross. Wind, snow, grass field. I have a terrible, terrible feeling about it.

I'm So Hard.

 

Wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many World Series rings you think I can fit on my erect penis right now? 12?  18? Easyyyyy now, ladies. Get those dirty images away from your mind. Or don't....

P.S. The answer is 18. True story.

Cammy Newton Wins The Heisman. Thank God.

NEW YORK -- Cam Newton won the Heisman Trophy -- as if there was any doubt. Whether he gets to keep it is still to be determined.  Auburn's hulking quarterback brushed off an NCAA investigation of his recruitment as he did so many tacklers this season and captured college football's biggest individual award Saturday night in a landslide vote. "Honestly, it's a dream come true for me, something every child has a dream that plays the sport of football, and I'm living testimony that anything is possible," Newton said. Newton, the third player from Auburn to win the Heisman, received 729 first-place votes and outpointed runner-up Andrew Luck of Stanford by 1,184 points. Oregon running back LaMichael James was third, followed by Boise State quarterback Kellen Moore, the other finalist.

Cam Newton wins the Heisman so now we can stop talking about him, right? Listen, great talent, good player, pretty solid college quarterback. Pretty solid doesn't get you championship rings in the NFL. Look at Tom Brady or Peyton Manning or Drew Brees. Would you say they're hulking QB's in college? Absolutely not. Andrew Luck will probably go #1 in the draft and he lost the Heisman by 1,184 points. So what's my point? My point is that the Heisman Trophy doesn't mean shit. It's like winning the MVP of your high school basketball team. It feels awesome for a week but in the end, who the fuck cares? Nobody. People move on with their lives. I guess I'm just waiting for when Cam Newton has to return his trophy like Reggie Bush for being a smart college kid. Ya, a smart college kid. If my school is making millions off of me, I want a piece. I want some dollar bills.That shouldn't be illegal or immoral. That should be fucking American.

The NFL Has To Stop Us Some Way, I Guess

New England Patriots rookie linebacker Brandon Spikes has been suspended for four games for violating the NFL's policy on performance-enhancing drugs, the team announced Friday. "The substance was a medication that I should have gotten clarification on before taking," Spikes said in a statement. "It was not a performance enhancer or an illegal drug. The integrity of the game is very important to me. I understand the league's ruling and apologize to my teammates, the fans and the Patriots organization for this mistake." The suspension begins immediately with Spikes eligible to return after the Patriots' final regular-season game Jan. 2. Spikes does not plan to appeal the suspension. He will serve it immediately to return in time for the playoffs.

Brandon Spikes is quickly becoming my least favorite Patriot. Aaron Hernandez already holds that billing because he's from Bristol, CT and his brother is a jackass. Back to Spikes. First he's off ruining Chatroulette for everyone while he's getting his banana sandblaster sucked and now he's killing our first place record by taking foreign medications. He's just a knucklehead and in New England, we don't tolerate that shit. And I'll say this right now. As good as he might be, you won't see him get more than 10 snaps the rest of the season when he returns. Gary Guyton will replace him and won't miss a beat. That's the Belichick way. Bring 'em in and coach 'em up.  I wish I could say the same about blogging but Scotty was such a natural. He got me, ya know? Knew what I was all about. Let's say we were sippin the same kool-aid if you can sniff what I'm stepping in.


P.S. I just realized I haven't had a Matty Cassell post all season.  That's criminal.

This Kid Is More Famous Than The Dude Who Threw a Shoe at George W.

This fucking kid. That's all I can say about him whenever I see his weird, smushed face. This. Fucking. Kid. It's actually more of a deep breath followed by a long sigh then a "this fucking kid." Pretty much what I do when I see anyone out of my house. Stop hogging all the spotlight, asshole. He's gotta have friends, right? Maybe some dorf looking chicks? I wanna see some booty shaking from the chicas in the next video. Give us something to talk about. Put asses in the seats. He's just a little shit. He's the kid who would in the last seat on the school bus and give the finger to every car behind it and maybe occasionally let his left butt cheek hang out of his jeans. That shit was funny when it was done the first time. Now it's rude. I'm not joking when I say this kid is gonna catch an ass whooping soon. Put me, him, Bieber and Meredith Viera in the ring together and let's get to getting it on.

Miley Can't Be Tamed!

A video of the pop sensation partying the week of her 18th birthday with a bong has surfaced, but sources tell TMZ that Cyrus was not smoking marijuana. According to the report, she was smoking a natural herb, salvia, which is legal in California and has hallucinogenic effects. "I'm having a little bit of a bad trip," Cyrus says into the camera, before asking her "friend", "Is that a Liam look-alike – is that my boyfriend?"

Was that a 70's rock video? Hard rock playing in the background while a bunch of teenagers hit a bong. Do you think they knew they weren't actually smoking weed? Like maybe after the 10 minute high of salvia wore off, they got a little suspicious? I doubt it. She probably doesn't roll with the brightest bunch. And I'll bet all my money that Miley went down on the guy who looked like her boyfriend. That's what girls like her do. Correction. That's what every girl I've ever met would do.

Rangers Up Offer On Lee. Can You Feel The Tension In The Air?

The Texas Rangers stepped up their efforts for Cliff Lee, presenting a variety of increased offers to the free-agent pitcher in a face-to-face meeting in Little Rock, Ark., on Thursday. "We reaffirmed our commitment to fielding a championship-caliber team and conveyed a menu of multiple offers which represented a substantial additional commitment for both years and dollars in an attempt to land his services," Rangers general managing partner and CEO Chuck Greenberg said Thursday night. He would not say whether the offers were for six years or more, but club president Nolan Ryan indicated Wednesday night that it was probably going to take at least six years to sign Lee and sounded as if the club was seriously considering that kind of commitment. "We talked about a number of different financial proposals that are consistent with our goals of getting to the World Series," Greenberg said on "The Ben and Skin Show" on ESPN Radio in Dallas on Friday.

What if New York doens't get Cliff Lee? It's possible. It's very possible.  I can't think of anything better. Sox get Crawford and Gonzo in the same week that Cliff Lee rejects New York? It must be Hanukkah season. Or is it Chanukkah? Those Jews speak so silly.