Job hunting can be stressful, that's why you shouldn't take yourself too seriously.
The candidates we hire have (2) choices:
(1.) Start entry-level, develop a ton of transferable skills, work side by side with quality people and the world's leading corporations, advance to new positions, and make money while figuring out what you really want to be when you grow up.
(2.) Start entry-level, begin advancing, become a partner and never job hunt again.
The World's Leading Fortune 500 companies outsource New York Business Partners to help improve their existing customer retention, new customer acquisition and increase their market share. We currently focus on their small to mid-size customer base using a style of B2B and B2C sales and marketing. We offer extensive training and are looking for professional candidates to advance within our company.
Our company policy is to train people from scratch, so only send your resume if the following applies:
1. You have a sense of humor.
2. You are a team player.
3. People often tell you how much they like you.
4. You work harder than everyone you know.
If you feel that you would be a good fit for this position, please e-mail your resume to nybphr@gmail.com (include resume in body of email) or contact Paula or Katie at 212.760.0233
My response went something like this.
Good morrow future employer,
First off let me start by saying this. I'm a bit of a loner and I do indeed tend to think of myself a one man wolfpack. But then moments ago, I saw your ad and I knew you were one of my own. So now there are two of us and potentially more in our pack. But let's cut the bullshit and allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a people person so you can check #1 and #3 off your list because the bottom line is my jokes will blow your dick off, bro. Am I a team player? Uh, I don't know. Ever heard of Team Night Moves from the WBL? Yeah, I thought you did. You don't get to first place in this league by being selfish. Now the bad news. I do not work harder than anyone I know. In fact, I might work the least out of anyone I know but I fucking get results. When I wanna do something, I do it. But when I kind of want to do something it's not getting done until April. Just keep me happy. That brings up another part that bothers me. Why do I have to tell you about myself? Like who the fuck are you? Why don't you tell me what makes you so fucking special. Woo me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a free agent and I can go anywhere. But you? You've been stuck in the same dead end job for years and had to resort to craigs list to find prospective employees. So fuck you. I'm out. You can come work for me.
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