Razzball Fantasy Baseball Daily Post - August 4

Sex, god & Katy Perry? I'm pretty sure Rolling Stone is telling us that Katy Perry is the trinity. Sex, god and Katy Perry are all one in the same, although we've known that for quite some time. She is on an upcoming cover of Rolling Stone and, as usual, looks ridonkulous. She even manages to make those crazy fishnets good. The only terrible thing about that cover is when I'm looking at it I see "Michael Cera" in large text and I immediately get the image of an underweight nerdy kid in my mind instead of her enormous funbags.

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Youk Thumbs Up the Jam

Thumb up the jam, thumb it up! While your feet are stompin’! Sorry, hard to stop that once I start. Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb. Thumb up the jam, thumb it up! Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb. It’s a rare injury. Hey, maybe they can name it after him. Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb! Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon. If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening. DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer. Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk. There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Ryan Kalish – 2-for-3 and now batting .500 since his call-up. He showed a little bit of everything in the minors this year — 13 homers/25 steals. The nice thing is he shouldn’t kill you like most rookies because he has a good eye. Also, he spoiled Perez Hilton’s favorite descriptor for a pitcher who K’s a lot of batters, e.g., “Stephen Strasburg – he’s K-lish!”

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks until he was ejected for going after Tackleberry. Not sure who Red State Jeter was trying to impress but you don’t yell at Shelley Duncan. He will high five you in your head.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hallelujahs! D’Ellsbury is ditching the D and returning. He’ll be back today.

Ryan Howard – To the DL with sprained ligaments in his left ankle. Alas, the big man’s out. Stupid Phillies infield and their stupid infieluenza epidemic.

John Mayberry – Was recalled to take Howard’s place. He’s about the only one that can fit into Howard’s spot without it looking too big on him. Mayberry’s a hacker with power. I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but not in mixed leagues until we see how much playing time he gets.

Peter Bourjos – Was called up by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. His name makes him sound like he should be a hockey bruiser, right? Then again, everything I know about hockey I learned from Sega. Bourjos stole 50 bases in 2008, 32 in 2009 and 27 this year. The Angels moved Double I to right field for the first time since 1999 to accommodate Bourjos. You don’t make that move unless you plan on playing the rookie. Plus, Scioscia loves these types of players. He’s the anti-Earl Weaver. If Scioscia could put Reggie Willits at DH without being committed to an insane asylum, he would. I’d grab Bourjos for the chance for some sweet, sweet SAGNOF! He could steal 10-15 bases in the last two months and he has the fizzle for some pop.

Yunesky Maya – The Nats signed their number one raftee this past weekend. Last year, Maya was the runner-up to Aroldis Chapman in Ks but won the Luis Tiant, the Cuban equivalent to the Cy Young. Maya, a Latin 28, should need very little time to acclimate himself to U.S. ball, given his experience. He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years. You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism. Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go. In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping. In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.

Juan Francisco – Step right up, ladies, I’m giving out all kinds of rookie nookie today. Francisco looks like he was called up for bench depth since he didn’t start yesterday even with Votto out. Francisco is a must-own in NL-Only keeper leagues with a 30 homer bat at 3rd base. Once again, in mixed leagues, we first need to see how much time he gets.

Michael Wuertz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched in the 7th inning of a tie game. Luckily (if you own Wuertz), Breslow then came in and gave up the winning run. I’d still hold Wuertz. That’s what she said!

Mike Leake – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. You guys can find some way to keep in touch without you owning him. Exchange emails or friend him on Facebook.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save as Meek threw in the 7th and 8th inning. Looks like the Pirates are happy with Meek throwing multiple innings while Hanrahanananan works as the closer. You can hold Meek if you like, but you look a little desperate.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate is having a heckuva couple of weeks. He left yesterday after getting beaned in the cantaloupe with a pitch by Mike Leake. Can’t you do anything right, Leake?! Dread’s neck is sore with a bruise. I’m guessing he’ll miss at least a game or three.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs. Kinda eerie the 2009 Coghlan vibe I get from Walker. Decent Runs/Not Much/Decent RBIs/Nice Average/Bleh Speed. All day, every day.

Thomas Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in 122 pitches. Did the Cubs wear their throwback uniforms and Dusty managed this game? Diamond was once compared to Roger Clemens when he was drafted in the first round overall 6 years ago. 5 years ago, he was compared to Nolan Ryan and voted the best prospect in the Rangers system. Then, he met Dr. Freeze. A Tommy John surgery and a few mediocre seasons later, he’s back. His Ks are for real, but his walks could get ugly at times. I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and deeper mixed keepers immediately. In redraft leagues, it depends on how bad you need the gamble.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs. I know Angel Pagan. I know Angel by Aerosmith. I do not know Angel Sanchez. BTW, the Astros scored 18 runs and no one in fantasy benefited.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. I know you ordered raw, but he’s cooked.

B.J. Upton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is now batting over .350 in the last week as he led off yesterday. He’s going to end the year with a 12/45, .250 line and you’re going to look at him in next year’s preseason and you’re gonna forget all about the ulcer he gave you for four months this year.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. In May, the clock struck midnight on this guy’s ERA. Where’s the freakin’ pumpkin?!

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was a tough matchup. Next start is vs. the Indians. Don’t mind if I do!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors. Sonavabench!

Andres Torres – 3-for-6 with his 11th homer. Everyone owns this guy by now, right? I don’t need to keep pointing him out, do I?

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and batting .333 since his return. Yes, you should pick him up. Yes, you too. And you.

Luke Scott – In case you dropped Scott because you were ‘done with him,’ he just hit his second homer in two games. Luke Scott will tell you when to drop him.

Brian Roberts – 0-for-4 and batting .229 since he returned, with 3 steals. You’re thinking that’s the thanks you get for holding him for all those months, but in reality he’s teaching you a valuable lesson. In the preseason, don’t draft guys that are already hurt.

Juan Pierre – As the old joke goes. A psychic looks at Hitler’s palm and says, “I predict, Fuhrer, that you’re going to die on a holiday.” Hitler, “What holiday?” “It doesn’t matter. The day you die will be a holiday.” To use that train of thought, Pierre always homers on a holiday.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer. Oh, it’s on.

Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Of course he’s pitching better than Haren. Why wouldn’t he be?

Mark Reynolds – Three run homer then he was plunked in the helmet. Mini Donkey’s probably bray-to-bray.

Aaron Heilman – Was unofficially named the closer by Kirk Gibson when he said something like, “I’m not naming a closer, but there’s only one guy in the bullpen who’s even looked half decent and his name sounds like Baron Heilmon.”

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a sore right shoulder. The Indians doctor said Hafner’s shoulder is especially prone to soreness because he has to carry around that giant head.

Carlos Santana – Officially placed on the DL with a left knee sprain. It’s spraining men! I imagine the Indians will move Santana to the 60-day DL for the rest of the season.

David Freese – Ankle surgery forces Freese out for the rest of the season. That’s why La Russa likes squirrels better than people. No ankles.

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