Kids Steal 116 Pound Tortoise

ALBANY, Vt. -- A 116-pound African tortoise has returned home after being stolen from its enclosure on a Vermont farm. The 20-year-old tortoise vanished April 11 from Peter Lowry's barn in Albany. It was located after a call Thursday from a woman who said she knew where the tortoise was. Lowry says the woman led him to a Craftsbury mobile home where the tortoise was being kept by a man who'd been asked by a teenage boy to watch it. The man didn't know the tortoise was stolen. Lowry says he and police know who took the animal. But no one has been charged. The farmer plans to install surveillance cameras in the barn where the tortoise's pen is located. Lowry, who also keeps macaws, cockatoos and snakes, calls the tortoise's saga "a very odd tale with a very happy ending."

Only in Vermont would you find a farm that houses a tortoise, snakes and cockatoos. Just a totally different breed up there. You can always pick a Vermont guy out of the group, too. Probably because they're the worst looking one and they don't give a fuck. I have a hard time figuring out why the poor turtle got stolen. In a way I get it. You show up to a party with that thing as your +1 and you're guaranteed to get laughs all night and that's what I'm all about. But like going on a camping trip, it turned out to be a terrible idea. Camping fucking sucks. Yeah, right now if you told me we were gonna go out with all our friends, away from everyone and drink beers and eat burgers and toss the frisbee around I would be all for it. You know when I'm not all for it? Tomorrow morning when I wake up hung over and I realize I smell like shit and I'm dirty and I'm sleeping on the fucking ground with rocks jabbing me in the ass and there's 3 inches separating me from the chick who puked 4 hours before. So stealing the mega tortoise probably seemed awesome at the time when they were bored but when you got Pete Lowry the python wrangler on your ass looking for his Mona Lisa, it's a different story.