It's The End of 2009 Super Duper Blog Post!!

What a fucking year it's been. Just think in exactly 19 days, Ogling Ed Hochuli will be exactly 1 year old. Just 2 young men trying to make sense of the world, armed with nothing but an iron cock, the resilience of a bullet proof tiger and enough will to wake the dead(porno?). But what's the real point of this blog? To teach you things. So in light of the new year and brand new opportunities to make life altering mistakes, Let's look back at all we have learned.

1) I don't know if this was a 2009 dinger but when did society decide it was OK for girls to walk around wearing nothing but a t-shirt and leggings? It's like let's just skip the sweet talk and see that ass. Thanks, ladies.

2) It's gotta be the year of the Avery. He sums up everything this blog is about. From tragedy to triumph. In the last 8 months alone he went from being banished from the NHL to rehabbing his temper in Hartford to back on top of the world in New York. And has he really changed at all? Nope.

3) It took me 5 minutes to remember who was in the final 4 last year and at least 2 to remember that Orlando played LA in the finals. My point is that 3 years down the road, nobody gives a fuck how close you came to being a winner. Remember that.

4) I'm still grieving over the loss of the King of Pop.

5) Tiger Woods reminded us all just how awesome men are capable of being. They say he was such a bad cheater but wasn't he really a good cheater? It's not like he got caught with 2 chicks. He hit that tree and like 15 ladies woke up. Too funny.

6) Tom Brady and Giselle gave birth to a baby boy. Or as he's also known as, the second coming of Jesus Christ.

7) HBO premiered Eastbound and Down, ESPN debuted 30 for 30, Fox threw out glee, poor excuses for a writer gave girls with too many feelings a story about vampires and Donahue gave your 12 year old cousin herpes. Really had to read to get that punch line.

8) You know how they used to say that if you get nervous to imagine people in their panties? Well I decided that it should be changed to jean shorts.

9) I know the Real World just premiered tonight but one of the kids is a virgin which just proves my theory that 50% of virgins are gay.

10) Remember when Chris Brown beat the fuck out of Rihanna?

11) Remember when Charles Barkeley got a DUI and he said he was trying to find a girl for the best BJ he ever had?

12) Remember when Plaxico shot himself in the leg?

13) Remember when 2009 was the year that black people set their race back 100 years? Barack was seen nodding his head after he read that

14) But the Sham wow got arrested for punching a hooker. That's called putting a whore in the right place because let's be honest, prostitutes/strippers throw any self respect and dignity out the window when they join that work force.

15) Some say love is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.

16) I say love it is a flower, and you, its only seed.

17)I guess Brittany Murph died. Kinda sad, I guess. But kinda saw that coming. Hopefully she's rollin' with the homies(5 points for clueless reference).

18) The cast of Jersey Shore came in at the tail end of 2009 but they might take the cake as the most fascinating people of the year. You know how Barbara Walters does that shit on ABC where she interviews her 10 favorite celebrities of the year? Well I'm gonna do that with The Situation and Pauly D. He's your girlfriend's favorite DJ so it's a must.

19) Keep fuckin' that chicken!

20) I can't remember anything else that happened. Some would say that's a good sign of being awesome.

The Hits Keep Coming

Losers of two straight games, the Boston Celtics could be without Kevin Garnett (sore right knee) for Wednesday night's game against the Phoenix Suns, and perhaps longer. The Celtics already will be shorthanded against the Suns. They will be without Glen Davis (mild right ankle sprain) and Paul Pierce (right knee) and could also be missing Rajon Rondo, who is questionable with a sore left hamstring. The Celtics ruled out Davis earlier Wednesday and deemed Garnett a game-time decision. "If I do decide to sit [Garnett], I'm not sitting him for one game. I can tell you that," Celtics coach Doc Rivers told Comcast Sportsnet.

Welp. Last time KG was said to be out for a game and maybe longer he was put in a wheel chair and never saw a glimpse of the playoffs last year. Terrific. Maybe I'm just paranoid but anytime #5 hits the hardwood, I die a little bit more inside.

Snooks Came To Fight

Snooki is an "embarrassment to the human race" -- at least according to one pissed off group of Italian-Americans. It's the latest insult in a furious back-and-forth between the "Jersey Shore" star and UNICO -- the Italian American organization pressuring sponsors to bail from the MTV show. Snooki had lashed out at the group during an interview with Steppin' Out magazine, saying "I just have one thing to say to Domino's, Dell, UNICO and all the other haters out there ... F**K YOU! If you don't want to watch, don't watch. Just shut the hell up! I'm serious. F**K YOU!" Re-enter UNICO, who proclaimed, "She is not an embarrassment to Italian Americans -- she is actually an embarrassment to the entire human race!!!!"

Poor Snickers. Or snookers. Or snooki. I can't really say she's helping her self with that foul mouth response. I guess she fucking brought the noise by doing an interview with a magazine called Steppin' Out. But trust me baby girl, you can't fight fire with fire or else you'll all get burned. Anyway. I don't really get all these Italian groups coming out and saying how the show is an insult to all Italian Americans. Don't just look at these 8 kids. I think everyone knows a few Italian juice heads who act the same way. So don't hate on guys like Ronnie and The Situation, maybe do a better job at raising your kids and you can get rid of that negative stereotype that has haunted your people for so long.


P.S. How did Dell get pushed into this mess? Without them, this blog isn't possible.

Zack Attack!

Jason Bay To The Mets. I Wish I Gave a Shit

Free-agent outfielder Jason Bay has reached agreement on a four-year, guaranteed $66 million contract with the New York Mets, a baseball source confirmed to ESPN.com Tuesday. The agreement will become official once Bay passes a physical exam sometime next week, the source said. The deal includes a vesting option year that could increase Bay's overall payout to slightly more than $80 million over five years. WFAN was the first to report the agreement had been reached. Bay, a three-time All-Star, hit .267 with 36 home runs and 119 RBIs for the Boston Red Sox in 2009. Bay and outfielder Matt Holliday were the most hotly pursued position players on the free-agent market this winter

Did anybody really want Jason Bay? He passed on offers from the big boys like Boston and Anaheim and even Seattle only to get stuck with the sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, Mets. There's an explicit way to play your cards and Bay got fucked by the dealer this off-season. I guess I don't really know how else to explain this. It's like a party you could have about 3 different girls who's combined attributes are a 7. Not bad. But there's a chance you can bang the prom queen. A perfect 10. You just gotta wait around a bit. Well, the prom queen decided she's too good for that party, skips it, meanwhile the 7's bailed out for greener pastures and it's 12:30 and all you got in front of you is the nasty softball player from high school who would've blown you even if you lent her a pen. So in conclusion, Bay got what he wanted but the satisfaction in the long run is no where to be seen.

Taylor Swift Is a Fraud

However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift's birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals. "He liked her more than she liked him," the source tells Us. "He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn't travel much to see him.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa. Take that bitch. Good luck selling songs about being an ungrateful bitch and breaking 17 year old hearts. The jig is up, baby!

Don't Quit On Me Just Yet

I know, I know. Production has been low over the past few days. We went from averaging 4 posts a day to 3 to 2 to 1 and it's pathetic. I just ask that you don't give up on us. I won't lie to you. There have been times over the past 2 days where I see a story and I think maybe I should blog that. But then I just continued living my life. These fucking vacations are awful for business.

I Miss This

TMZ had multiple experts examine the photo — all say there is no evidence the picture was Photoshopped. The original print — which is creased — was scanned and examined for evidence of inconsistent lighting, photo composition and other forms of manipulation. The experts all concluded the photo appears authentic.There are numerous articles and books on President John F. Kennedy which mention a 2-week, Mediterranean boating trip that JFK — then a Senator — took in August, 1956, with his brother Ted Kennedy and Senator George Smathers. The trio reportedly entertained a number of women on the yacht. Jackie Kennedy was pregnant at the time and was rushed to the hospital while JFK was on the boat. Doctors performed an emergency C-section, but the infant was stillborn.

There was a day when you could be married and it was cool to fuck around with chicks as long as you had money, power and rugged good looks. JFK just knew how to get it done. It reminds me to lay off of Tiger because being awesome is a lost art form in my opinion. Like if the wife was pregnant then it was protocol for you to go get some fresh poon. I mean you're paying the bills, right? If she wants to get knocked up and take away one of your pleasures then that's her prerogative but don't think for a second that you have to sacrifice yours as well. I'm not lying when I say it's one of my dreams to be on a yacht, sipping champagne with naked bitches everywhere, jumping over board in the middle of the mediterranean.

I Thought Randy Moss Quit On This Team?

Seems like we're peaking at just the right time. Come playoff time, we're gonna rise faster than a 12 year old's dick. It's probably a good idea to get out of Tom Terrific's way for a while.

Sean Avery Says Hello!

Happy fucking holidays!

Tracy Just Wants To Play

Tracy McGrady says he's ready to see more action for the Houston Rockets. The Rockets decided he won't see any action for at least two games. Three days after McGrady said he wanted to increase his playing time, the Houston Chronicle reported Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said the team would rest McGrady during this weekend's games and would consider changes to the rotation once it returned to Houston early next week. "I'm a player, man," McGrady said in the Chronicle. "I don't make these decisions. I just abide by whatever they bring to me. That's the plan. I'm not going to argue and fight with them -- just run with it. I felt it was time [to increase the routine of playing seven to eight first-half minutes]. "I'm not going to cause any confusion or confrontations. As a player, that's what I felt. They obviously feel different. That's what I have to roll with." McGrady has played a very limited schedule after returning from microfracture surgery on his knee midway through last season. The Rockets have held him to the same pattern of playing time since he returned to action Dec. 15 against the Detroit Pistons.

Listen, I love T-mac just as much as the next guy and I'd love to see him get back into form but it's not gonna happen. Ever. There comes a time in every man's life where one day everything just seems to be slipping away. Day by day you get slower, step by step until you realize you're only half the man you were yesterday. Thankfully I got a lot of years in front of me but Tracy doesn't and it's fucking sad to watch him fool himself. I go back to my man J-welch in wiffleball. Young kid could throw the heater right down the plate and there wasn't a thing you could do about it. But weeks went by and players started turning the bat a little quicker. He was taken yard every swing and the biggest player in the league was turned into the smallest. People say you can still see him in the yard trying to get his pitch back but you and I both know it'll never happen. Let him be a cautionary tale for guys like Tracy.

P.S. You can't take a guy with a barb wire tattoo seriously. That's a fact of life.

The Airing Of Grievances

It's the week of festivus and the year is coming to a close. I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!

Mike Orefice - see you on the ice in about 2 hours. Xmas was yesterday and let's just say that Santa brought me a new work ethic.

Pregnancy tests- I'm sick of the commercials always putting pregnancy tests in a positive light. How many times have you seen chicks skipping down the aisle with a smile on their face with 4 tests in their hands? Never. How many times have you seen a stressed out guy, rubbing the back of his neck, and breathing heavily? That's an expecting father.

Lady GaGa- What the fuck? Just stop. You're a fucked up sex addict with an awful sense of fashion. We get it.

Lil' Wayne- He likes pussy, weed and sipping syrup? Really? I had no idea. He might need to put out 5 more mixtapes with every song being about the same thing before it finally hits me. My advice: sit the next few plays out bro.

Vegetarians-My family built this country with their bare hands on nothing but meat and braun and you're gonna go out and say meat is bad for you or some shit? Stop being such a vagina.

Low Level QB's as High Level Analysts- Trent Dilfer, The hassleback brother, Jesse Palmer. Kirk Herbstreit is the only exception just because he's phenomenal at his job and he has very kind eyes. But I don't know where the other guys get off on calling out Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers or even Trent Edwards. That would be like any other blogger in this area creating a post about how much of an ego-centric asshole I am. They're all just jealous.

Inconsiderate people- I know, I know. How can I say inconsiderate people piss me off when I am one of them. I'm really not. What kind of asshole doesn't say thanks when you hold a door for them? Or wave when you allow them to go at an intersection? It's just fucked up. I'm not the friendliest person and I'm a little anxious in crowds of people but I always greet a store employee with a "hey how's it goin?" Shit, I even do that to cops when they pull me over.

People who say that the RBI is an overrated stat- I still don't understand that. It's like the purest form of offensive production. the ball you hit, scored a runner. How is that not important?

The Lebron Vs. Kobe Debate- I've been saying it all year. The Lakers are not that good. You saw them play the Cavs yesterday, at home, and it was fucking ugly. The NBA wants them to play in the finals so bad and for what? So we can watch lopsided victories after they hype the Kobe, Lebron match up. They don't even guard each other. I'm not just saying this because I bleed green but the Celtics are the only power house in the league. They walked into Orlando and beat the living shit out of the Magic for about 42 minutes without the leading scorer and team captain. The Lakers can't do that without Kobe. The Cavs don't even score 60 without Lebron. The NBA is better off marketing the team concept rather than the player.

Texting with dudes - Ehhhhh kinda gay. I mean making plans is fine but anything more than that is a little fruity in my book.

People who don't cap your pens or markers - That might be the biggest asshole move of all time. What kind of dick doesn't put the damn cap back on?

Must Be Christmas In The Gay Light District

He may have beat me up and down the ice yesterday but this is a sign that this fight is long from over.

Randy Moss Is What This Blog Is Really All About

This blog might have had a tough couple weeks but these shoulders on my body could hold the earth. So just to let ya'll know, I bounce back.



P.S. I just found my look for the Xmas party on saturday night.

Ogling Ed Hochuli Wishes You a Merry Christmas

Where All The White Women At?

The fallout from the Tiger Woods scandal continues to grow as Golf Digest announced it was suspending his monthly instructional articles. "We respect Tiger's decision to take a break from professional golf and focus on his family," a Golf Digest publicist said. "Tiger's bylined instruction articles will not be published in Golf Digest during his time away from the game." Woods will remain on the magazine's masthead. It remained unclear if the suspension effects his exclusive contract, which reportedly pays him $3 million a year. "We're not going to comment on the compensation," the publicist said. Golf Digest drew criticism this month when its latest magazine cover, which went to press before the scandal broke, featured a photo illustration of Woods caddying for President Obama with the headline "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger."

Tiger's advice column isn't going to be published in Golf Digest? What are we to do? Well, fear not my friends because let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy who knows Tiger and his advice column is here exclusively for the readers of Ogling Ed Hochuli. Without further ado, Tiger's Tips4Tits.

1. Take your name off your voice mail and just leave it as a number. Thanks.

2. It pays to be a blasian.

3. Fuck fo 'sho, putt fo dough!

4. Ladies love the huge teeth. Unfortunately they attract cell phones from angry wives.

5. If your cover story is going to be "my wife busted the window and pulled me out of the car" don't marry a 105 pound woman. It's just not believable.

6. I'd like to see things be taken back to the old days. No texts, no calls. Just face to face meetings. That way there isn't a paper trail.

7. Thanksgiving + wine + Ambien + texting + driving * the amount of sluts I bagged = bad PR move.

8. I think Lex Luther said it best when he said "dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

9. Grab the shaft with a relaxed grip and try to keep it long and straight and get it in the hole in as few strokes as possible. Don't blow it all on the first, there's at least 17 more in your future.

10. Don't go down without a fight.

Maybe The Vikings Should Have Called an Audible On Signing Favre

The tension between Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre and coach Brad Childress is the result of disagreement over how much influence each should expect to have in running the offense during games, according to multiple team sources. Childress has a reputation for limiting the number of audibles he allows his quarterbacks to call at the line of scrimmage. Favre apparently believes his knowledge of the offensive system and 19 years of NFL experience qualify him to make changes based on his extensive film study of opponents. Although the two have discussed their recent disagreement -- which became public when Favre resisted Childress' attempts to pull him from Sunday night's loss in Carolina -- it is unclear whether they have resolved the fundamental issue: Is Childress and his coaching staff going to control the game from the sideline, or will Favre be permitted the autonomy he feels is necessary to control it at the line of scrimmage?

I don't really understand the issue here. The Vikings spent the entire offseason on their knees in front of BrettFavre to get him to Minnesota. They wanted an established veteran quarterback to avoid the embarrassment of having another strong season from Adrian Peterson and a solid defense go to waste because of guys named Sage or Tavaris. I don't understand how Chilly thinks the ol' gunslinger has the time or the inclination to explain himself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that he provides, and then questions the manner in which he provides it. If BrettFavre wants to audible from a 70 Draw Counter Option Tight End Load, to an interception into triple coverage, well that's his god-given right.

-Written by John "the shady tool man" Grady(That's our Xmas gift to you)

Side Boob Of The Day

I've always been a firm believer that one of the finer things in life is a jbrault post followed by a side boob.

Purple Is So In!

Look at that face. It's like he's saying, "you and I both know only I can make this shit work. Do you really wanna try me?" I guess I'm just curious to see what outfit lost to that one. You know what I mean? Like what other pair of clothes did he hold up and he just went, "nahh I'll go with the purple button down, shark tooth necklace, iPod, and my sassy self." It's workin', bro. I don't know what it is but it's workin'

Yanks Are All About (Sloppy) Second Chances?

(I googled "Javier" and this was only guy with a shirt on)

The New York Yankees have acquired right-hander Javier Vazquez from the Atlanta Braves for outfielder Melky Cabrera and left-hander Mike Dunn. The move pushes the Yankees' payroll for next season to more than $200 million. The way Keith Law sees this, the Yankees had the dollars to take on Javier Vazquez's contract, and they get the second-best pitcher in the NL last year. And the Braves at least get a solid pitching prospect and the knowledge that they've done well with those once or twice before. The Braves also are sending right-hander Boone Logan to the Yankees, and the Yankees are sending the Braves right-hander Arodys Vizcaino and $500,000 in the transaction. The Yankees are scheduled to hold a conference call with the media at 4 p.m. ET. Vazquez, with a 15-10 record, ranked second in the National League last season with 238 strikeouts and sixth in ERA at 2.87 as the No. 2 starter in the rotation. This is his second time around with the Yankees, having pitched in New York in 2004, when he went 14-10 with a 4.91 ERA and made his only All-Star team. His first stint in New York ended miserably, when he relieved Kevin Brown trailing 2-0 in Game 7 of the American League Championship Series against Boston and allowed a first-pitch grand slam to Johnny Damon. Vazquez, 33, joins a pitching rotation that includes CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Andy Pettitte. The Yankees' top four starters will combine for $64 million in payroll -- more than four teams paid their entire rosters last season.

Nothing like getting the old band back together! I just hope this wasn't their answer to the Sox signing John Lackey. That would be like if Sellberg took my girlfriend so I answered the call by hooking up with with some bitch he kissed in 6th grade. It's funny how everybody is calling this a great trade to match Boston's rotation and how Vazquez really turned his career around last season. The guy pitched in the National League. Not the American league. He's not Roy Halladay coming from the potent AL East(by the way, he's gonna win over 20 games next year. easy) So what am I saying? I'm saying nothing has been blog worthy in the past 5 days and the C's are currently down 14 to Indiana(Who I bet on tonight. +13.5. fucking steal).

Lunch Lady Charged With Serving Too Many Sweet Peas

ANSONIA, Conn. -- Police in Ansonia said the head cook at Emmett O'Brien Technical High School turned herself in to police on Monday on two outstanding arrest warrants.Debra LaSasso turned herself in to state police in Bethany and was immediately charged with two counts of sexual assault.LaSasso was released on $500 bond and was scheduled to appear in Derby Superior Court on Jan. 10 and New Haven Superior Court on Jan. 14.Police said that LaSasso was placed on administrative leave a month ago after the allegations first came out. School officials said LaSasso was not allowed on school property until the charges against her are sorted out.Police said the alleged sexual encounters happened in the school on Prindle Avenue in Ansonia. Police said that LaSasso had sex with the 17-year-old at least two times.

You know what this means. Cue the music!

Tiny Nate Wants To Be a Celtic

With guard Nate Robinson expressing his desire to be traded away from the New York Knicks, ESPN.com's Chris Sheridan writes in today's Daily Dime that Boston is the two-time Slam Dunk champion's preferred landing spot. Sheridan details potential trade scenarios: Robinson is what's known as a base-year compensation player, a designation given to any player whose salary rises more than 20 percent from the previous season (Robinson went from making $2.02 million to $4 million). If the Knicks found a trade for Robinson that was to his liking, they could only take back a player making $2.02 million or less -- and Walsh has been adamant that he will not take on any contracts that eat up the cap space he has squirreled away for next summer. (Note: A trade of Robinson to Boston for J.R. Giddens and Bill Walker would work under salary cap rules, but would add nearly $2 million to the Knicks' 2010-11 payroll. A Robinson-Marquis Daniels swap -- with all deals possibly brokered through a third team -- would make more sense for New York payroll-wise, but it is questionable whether that would interest the Celtics -- even with Daniels sidelined until the All-Star break by thumb surgery.)


Bahahahahahahahahaha. Obviously Nate Robinson wants to play for the Celtics. Who doesn't? Just because he wants to be in Boston doesn't mean that Boston wants him to be in green in and white. If Rajon Rondo is everything that's right about being a point guard in the NBA then Robinson is everything that's wrong. He's a dunk first, shoot second, pass the ball third type of player. There doesn't seem to be a huge market in the league for 5 foot 9 guards with a tiny man complex. I'm pretty confident that there's a reason he hasn't played in 9 games. He fucking sucks.

Eagle Eye Lost Me In The First 6 Minutes

I know I don't make movie review posts and Eagle Eye came out like 2 years ago but this is killing me. It's been on featured on HBO for a while now and everyone who has seen tells the Rza it's the shit. Well maybe it is but I don't know. Any movie that begins with the lead character from the Shield and then moves on to another scene with TURTLE from entourage and Shia loses me. Why?Oh I don't know. They all began as TV actors. They're on TV for a reason. You don't go from being the lovable loser on Entourage to the silver screen along side the kid from Even Stevens(love shia though. big fan of Disturbia). That's really all I got. I mean c'mon. Turtle? Johnny Drama would have been better. Even E is in He's Just Not That Into You. And don't hate on Vinny Chase. He's fucking Aqua Man!

Only Brett Takes Brett Out Of The Game

Brett Favre didn't want to come out of Sunday's 26-7 loss to the Carolina Panthers. He let Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress know about it. And after the game he let the media know about it. Television footage showed Favre and Childress in an animated discussion on the sideline during the third quarter, while the Vikings were still leading 7-6. With the offensive line struggling to contain Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers, Favre was getting hurried and knocked down. Favre did not come out of the game. But in postgame comments, it was apparent he was not happy with what happened."Yeah, there was a heated discussion, I guess you would call it," Favre said of the exchange. "No secret, I was getting hit a little bit. I felt the pressure on a lot of plays. We had seven points. So I think everyone in the building was like, 'They're not moving the ball, they're not getting points.' Brad wanted to go in a different direction and I wanted to stay in the game. "

WHAT?! You can't question the gunslinger! Let Brett keep slingin, baby. This just spells trouble for the Vikings, though. I mean I don't wanna be fighting with my fiancee 3 weeks before the wedding and I don't want my franchise player fighting with the head coach 3 weeks before the playoffs.

Lamar Odom Haunts The Kardashian Xmas Card

How does Seacrest always get his mug in everything?

Pats Win and The Rest Of The AFC East Loses.

We let our balls hang out today. No more talk about the how we haven't won a road game this year. No more talk about Moss quitting on the team. No more talk about how the Jets and Dolphins are practically breathing down our necks. I can't think of any part of today where we lost. Tom Brady and Welker both played kind of shitty in my opinion and it had no effect on the outcome. I told you all 3 weeks ago that we're gonna be the scariest team coming into the playoffs after having shot out 5 straight wins. Just needed to get mojo working.

Hipsters + Jews+ Protest=Ughhhhhh

NEW YORK -- Dozens of bikers joined a protest called the "Freedom Ride" to oppose the removal of a bike path in Williamsburg, an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood.Bicyclists who planned to go topless to protest the removal of a Brooklyn bike lane switched gears Saturday, pinning plastic breasts to their jackets as they rolled into a snowstorm. But the fierce snowstorm in New York kept them from pedaling topless as planned. The hipster cyclists blame Mayor Michael Bloomberg for the loss of the lane because Williamsburg's Hasidic Jewish residents "can't handle scantily clad women" on wheels, said bike messenger Heather Loop, who organized the action. The bikers' tactics did not amuse some faithful Hasids leaving synagogue services with their families on the Sabbath. They rushed home.

This story has it all. Jews, plastic tits, bikes, hipsters, and a protest. I'm not gonna pretend to know what a Hasidic jew is or what they believe in. Those beards look foolish. Have fun living in your fantasy 18th century world, creepers. As much as I oppose the idea of removing a bike trail because a bunch of prude jews don't like to see a woman's ass in spandex, I don't like hipster protesters even more. I don't care if they're even supporting my blog in a protest, I'm not down with the hipster movement. You wanna go ahead and spell words all weird and shit with Z's and use your uber cool language then be my guest. Put your tight jeans on and tweak your nipples, drink your PBR because it's "different." Just don't bring that noise around me 'cause I'll fuckin pull your card. And it's for shit like this that I lose respect for them. You wanna protest, go all the way. Let your tits and dick hang out. You're gonna let a snowstorm get in the way your cause? Good thing they didn't have hipsters in 1776 or I'd be having tea and crumpets with my mum right now.

Sox Acquire 2007 World Series MVP!

Don't toss out that Mike Lowell jersey. According to a major league source, the third baseman needs surgery on the radial collateral ligament in his right thumb and the trade to Texas that was agreed upon 11 days ago is off. Lowell will have surgery after Christmas and is expected to need 6-8 weeks of recovery time. The hope is he will be ready for spring training.

I guess we solved that third base problem? The way we tried to pay Texas 9 million just to take him was fucking shameful. I just felt bad for the old guy. Lowell might be one of the older players now but he's still a big part of this team. You need that veteran around to keep the young guys in check. I go to a party with Sellberg and you think those little faggots try to snatch my beer? Not a chance. They know I bring the thunder, the lightning, and the motherfucking rain. They gather around and insist on me to tell them helpful tips about life. For example, wear flip flops in the shower. I got warts all over my feet. Infinite wisdom is what Lowell brings to table.

FBI To Pull MJ's File

The Federal Bureau of Investigation will release 333 pages of Michael Jackson's formerly-classified file on Monday morning. Can we interest you in a little light reading? The documents will relate to his 1993 and 2004 child molestation cases -- as well as any case Michael Jackson was the victim of ... including threats and extortion attempts. Nothing about Dr. Conrad Murray or Michael's death will be in the files. Our guess -- the extortion attempts will be the most interesting.

This is terrific. I haven't eagerly anticipated this type of reading since The Situation told the world on facebook that he was gonna write a book on how to almost hook up with chicks but let them sneak away at the last second. Does the FBI do this for everyone that dies? I hope they don't do this with me. No, I don't have a file but I hope to have one some day. I don't want to die without any scars if you catch my drift. What does it take to get the FBI after you? Like at what point do they step in and say, "hey, this guy is no fucking joke. Better open up a file on." Dan Donahue must have file, right? I'm not kidding when I say he qualifies as a sexual predator.


P.S. Lil Wayne's Rebirth just leaked. If you want to have any respect for him after this release do not listen to it. My ears are bleeding.

Ummmm Awkward!

Yeah, that's Heidi Watney behind Varitek. The lady who supposedly broke up his marriage then started banging his short stop, Nick Green. I get the chills just looking at this picture. She must be thrilled about V-Mart taking over the catching role so she doesn't need to do those mandatory post-game interviews.

All Great Things Must Come To an End I Suppose

BOSTON -- It's been a streak-busting week for the Philadelphia 76ers. Days after snapping their own 12-game skid, the 76ers ended Boston's run at 11 wins, beating the first-place Celtics 98-97 on Friday night on Elton Brand's tip-in with 7.7 seconds left."We closed out a game against a team winning 11 in a row, the best in the league," said Brand, who had 23 points and eight rebounds. "It bodes well for our confidence."

I don't know if anyone watched this game last night but I did and it was clear that Tim Donaghy picked the Sixers at +10. It's been a while since I've seen refs fuck a game up so bad like they did last night. It's no secret that Bill Kennedy has always had this grudge against Boston. Seriously. Google "Bill Kennedy" and then "Celtics". Then do a search on Bill Kennedy and Rasheed Wallace. That's all I have to say about that loss. Don't you dare try to tell me that they're not the best team in the league because of that loss. Have the Lakers even played a road game this year? It seems like they've had 4 away games. The only team I can see playing with the C's are the Hawks. Yeah, I said it. I put Atlanta over Lefaggot James and Dwight allIcandoisdunk Howard. And I don't care if you don't agree with me. You're just jealous.

Did I Mention It's Friday?

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't on my top 25 most played.



And you'd be lying if you said that song wasn't going to be added to your top 25 most played.

The Chosen One Has a Name

It's Benjamin. Benny Brady. Tom once again knocks this one out of the park. I'm just excited for like 16 years from now when we have this One Tree Hill type environment with Benny Brady and the other kid from the actress he knocked up a year ago.

The One Where The Situation Is At The Gym For 30 More Minutes Than You

A sad day, indeed. When did the boys of the Jersey become black guys from Harlem? The barber shop is where it comes out? The Situation better relax on his Ice Cubes movies. I hate to say it but last night was an epic let down. You can't hype the punch heard round the world for 3 weeks then not show it. It just really pissed me off. Fuck it. Let's jump right into this one.

-"Don't fall in love on the Jersey Shore." That seemed to be the moral of the story last night. It was repeated a solid 6 times.

-"I think his name was Ron." It was Russ.

-We had the epic showdown of pretty italian guys who just yell and play tough vs. frat guys who beat up chicks. I'm afraid to say exactly which side I prefer.

-"Shhh be quiet little tiny girl." - The situation

-Barb was a bomb that Pauly and the situation could not "decipher." That's not the right word.

-Having said that, The Situation and Pauly D might be the best 1-2 punch since Brady/Moss in 2007.

-"This is a sick hottub if it was hot. This is a sick tub." -Zinger from Barb AKA Busted chick aka cock block of the year.

-Speaking of the hot tub. That thing must be FILTHY. Whenever they show that thing it's littered with empty bottles and like 5 different bags of chips.

-Anyone else find it weird and uncomfortable that the situation and pauly d both brings girls back to the beds at the same time, 4 feet apart from each other.

-Snooki's mom hates her. That was obvious.

-Saw previews for a new show called The Buried Life. Is that another name for the way Vinny is living his Jersey Shore experience?

-How does that frat kid escape the bar without getting punched? Typical guido dudes, I guess. Run around with your big muscles, talk your shit and never back anything up.

Man Chokes Out Bobcat

PHOENIX -- A man who strangled to death an attacking bobcat said Wednesday he's seen his share of those animals near his quiet, secluded home, reported KPHO-TV in Phoenix.James Gruver, 61, lives about 10 miles north of Lake Pleasant, Ariz. He said the growling cat hiding under his trailer Monday afternoon was unlike any he'd ever seen."I bent down and looked under the trailer, and right there about 5 feet from me, was this bobcat," Gruver said.A second later, the cat lunged."I didn't even have time to snap my fingers, it happened so quick," Gruver said. "He was on me."The outdoorsman, who stands 6 feet 8 inches tall, was knocked to the ground. A wrestling match that Gruver said he will never forget was soon under way."I reached over and I grabbed it around the neck because I didn't want it to bite me," Gruver said. "I just kept a death grip on it because I realized when I was down on the ground, this is getting real serious."

Yeah? When you realized you were down on the ground is when things got real serious? Really? Must've been all fun and games when you heard the bobcat growling at you from under the trailer. Regardless, Gruver is someone I want on my side at all times. Only bobcat I've ever tangled with are those of Quinnipiac University and even I was no match for the heat being thrown over my plate. You gotta keep your head on a swivel in that hostile environment. They'll just jump right up and bite your head off at a drop of a hat. So when I heard that a man choked out a bobcat, you could see why I was so intrigued. Thought the Dana English dorms were up in flames or something.

All I Want For Christmas Is Adrian Gonzalez

The Red Sox are not done yet. The team, which announced the signings of right-hander John Lackey and center fielder Mike Cameron on Wednesday, is working hard to obtain Padres first baseman Adrian Gonzalez, according to major-league sources. A deal is not close, and might not happen at all, sources said. Jed Hoyer, the Padres’ new general manager -- and Red Sox’s former assistant GM -- wants a high price for Gonzalez, whose contract is one of the biggest bargains in baseball. “Jed has been asking for a ton,” one source said. Gonzalez, 27, is signed for $4.75 million next season with a $5.5 million club option for 2011. He hit 40 home runs last season despite playing his home games at pitcher-friendly Petco Park. If the Red Sox acquired him, they would shift first baseman Kevin Youkilis to third. The addition of Lackey will give the Red Sox the flexibility to trade right-hander Clay Buchholz, who likely would be the centerpiece of any package for Gonzalez. Likewise, the addition of Cameron will give them the flexibility to trade outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury. A separate person familiar with Boston’s position said the team is becoming comfortable with the idea of trading Buchholz. But the source expressed doubt that the Red Sox would include outfielder Ryan Westmoreland or pitcher Casey Kelly in the deal; at present, the Padres are trying to obtain one of the two high-level prospects.

I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want Adrian Gonzalez. The addition of that one player puts the Sox so far above the Yankees it's not even funny. Gonzo comes on board and we become that much younger, faster, stronger and just overall better than the Yanks for a solid 5 years. However, I can't trade Jacoby. I'm just way too attached to him. Firm believer in you don't get rid of young talent who already won a ring for you. If you have a player like Gonzo in the line up then Ellsbury is the exact person you want running the base paths. Send Bucholz away. That's one shit head I don't give a fuck about. Then you throw the kitchen sink worth of prospects at them. Unless you have a kid like Hanley Ramirez who is ready to make an impact this season then ship the prospects away because that's all they are. A prospect. I don't wanna wait 3 years for some punk to get his shit together. I want immediate impact guys. Just imagine going into a playoff series facing Beckett, Lester, Lackey. You're already down 3-0 then you think about Youk, Gonzo, V-mart, Pedroia, Drew and Papi pounding the shit out of the ball. Smelsl like a team on the brink of a dynasty.

Elin Is Back On The Market

Elin Nordegren, the wife of Tiger Woods, will seek a divorce, ABC News.com is reporting. A source close to Nordegren told the Web site on Wednesday that a "divorce is 100 percent on."Nordegren was recently photographed pumping gas without her wedding ring. Woods and his wife have been married for five years and have a 2-year-old daughter and a 10-month-old son. Woods announced late last week he was taking an indefinite leave from public life and golf while he works to fix his marriage after multiple allegations of infidelity.

This is a win-win for both. Elin can go back to Sweden and get her socialism on and Tiger can keep nailing sluts without the media all over his dick. I'm never an advocate for divorce of break ups but this kind of seemed like a no brainer. We might be on whore #560 by next week if she stayed with him. We won't really have anything to talk about if he's single. He goes from being a sleeze ball and a terrible husband to a pimp with terrific mojo. This might be the best PR move Tiger Wood could have ever made.

Side Boob Of The Day

When your biggest claim to fame is starring in movies alongside Mike Myers and Brenden Fraser then I think it's time you reevaluate your career.

These Jersey Shore Kids Are Blowing Up

I can't get enough of these guys. Don't you think the Jersey Shore After Show should be at least 3 hours long? With like a 12 man panel that just analyzes everything that we just viewed. And that's not even exaggerating because I feel that would be absolutely necessary in that situation(heyooo). Usually I'd be kind of pissed and annoyed that reality stars feel like they're entitled to some new found fame but not with these kids. They fucking earned every last bit of it. Drink it up, boys. It's not easy being Pauly D. If I could I'd just dedicate every blog post to Jersey Shore. That's how much comedy I find in it.

Tiger Voted Athlete Of The Decade

Even after a shocking sex scandal that tarnished Tiger Woods, it was tough to ignore what he achieved on the golf course. He won 64 times around the world, including 12 majors, and hoisted a trophy on every continent golf is played. He lost only one time with the lead going into the final round. His 56 PGA Tour victories in one incomparable decade were more than anyone except four of golf's greatest players won in their careers.

Nobody ever said he was husband of the decade, I guess. But golfers aren't athletes. That's really the only problem I have with this. I'd give it to Roger Federer. Tennis is no fucking joke. Trust me. Many times I've tried to keep focused and it always ends with a home run derby of knocking tennis balls over the fence. You don't see 84 year old fat women playing tennis and actually playing decent. But golf? Half of the population of Florida does that. And yes, Sellberg(daily sellberg jab) is included.

I Have a Vision I Need To Share With The Readers

More of a dream I had last night. So I'm at a basketball game and the home team comes out of the locker room backed by a song like most teams. But this was different. Lights go out and Bad Romance by Lady Gaga blasts through the speakers. How perfect is that? Talk about throwing the other team a curve ball. That's how you put asses in the seats. The anticipation is building then out of no where. Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Just something to think about.

Side Boob Of The Day

Who is she? Who are you? Who do you want to be? What do you want to be? Are you any closer to it today than you were yesterday? Stand in a mirror and ask yourself these questions.

I Guess We Got That Shmuck To Play Left Field

Jason Bay rejected a contract offer from the Red Sox over the weekend and said he was prepared to move on. Now he doesn’t have a choice. The Sox moved quickly and agreed with veteran outfielder Mike Cameron last night on a two-year deal worth $15.5 million, according to major league sources. It is contingent on a physical today in Boston. Cameron, who turns 37 in January, has played primarily center field in his 15-year career, winning three Gold Gloves. But he said early in the free agent process he would be willing to play a corner outfield spot for a contending team. Cameron hit .250 with 24 home runs and 70 RBIs for the Brewers last season. He is unlikely to replace the offensive production of Bay, who hit .267 with 36 home runs and 119 RBIs last season. But Cameron provides an upgrade defensively and comes at a far cheaper price. Bay is said to be seeking a five-year deal worth approximately $75 million.

I'm not gonna go on this pro-sox rant about how we're going to win the world series for the next 40 years and defense is the answer and blah, blah, blah. Having said that, we will finish out 2020 with 10 more rings on our fingers. But I just can't get excited over Cameron. Would you get off over a 2 year fix? It's like yeah you might have found miss perfect and shit but once you find out that you both wanna split after 2 years things don't look so enchanting. You sign me up with a young stud like Adrian Gonzalez, someone I can spend my future years growing old with then we'll talk. I guess that's all I want. Security and my souls recognition of its counterpoint in another. Someone who will give me back what I put in. It's like the idea of a two way petting zoo. You pet the animals and they pet you back. I hope to see all of these dreams come true some day.

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean

TYLER, Texas -- A 25-year-old man suspected of breaking into an east Texas house is jailed after police found him taking a bath in the house. The incident happened about 3:30 a.m. Sunday in a blue-collar neighborhood of northwest Tyler. Police Sgt. Matthew Smyser said a resident called to report that a man had kicked in the front door of the house. While en route, officers were advised the resident had left the house but the intruder remained inside. Officers entered the house to find the man had stripped and was taking a bath. After a brief struggle, the man was arrested and booked into the Smith County Jail.

No blood, no foul as far as I'm concerned. I don't think there is anything worse than having bath time interrupted. It's gotta be under the 5 times in my life in which no one better fucking bother me. Right there with when I'm writing a blog post, watching One Tree Hill, cutting my toe nails, and most of all, bringing the thunder. Anyway. I'm curious to see what this "brief struggle" looked like. Poor guy probably just wanted to finish his duty then he'd be on his way. I guess I don't see the crime in trying to say clean. It's like he's doing everyone else a favor.

Side Boob Of The Day

It's Tuesday, I have 2 finals in the next 24 hours, the cloudy days depress the shit out of me and I'm still bringing the high cheese.

Mikey O Gets Confused By The Camera

That's the perplexed look he's gonna have on his face once I put him through a wall. 12 days till HBMHL opening day, fellas. See you on the ice.


That has to be the Blue Steel look, right? Too funny.

Oh Hello, John Lackey

John Lackey traveled to Boston for a physical exam Monday, and a baseball source said the Red Sox are making progress toward an agreement with the free agent right-hander. Specific details weren't available, but the Red Sox's heightened pursuit of Lackey came after reports that Boston is fading in its efforts to retain free-agent outfielder Jason Bay. Lackey, 31, is 102-71 with a 3.81 ERA in eight seasons with the Angels, and he would join Josh Beckett and Jon Lester at the top of a powerhouse rotation in Boston. The Mariners, Angels and Mets are among the other teams interested in signing Lackey. Typically, players undergo physical exams as the final step in an agreement, but there are no indications precisely where the Red Sox are in the process with Lackey and his agent, Steve Hilliard.

Yankee fans can cut the shit about the having the best rotation because there's a new sheriff in town. At worst, Lackey is a #2 caliber pitcher. Which means we already have a healthy Beckett, a dominant Lester, a potential #1 in Dice-k, a future #1 in Bucholz and the yankee killer in Wakefield. I'm not kidding when I say the Yankees should be shitting there pants right now. We may have just got the best available pitcher and we didn't spend anything but cash. Halladay would have cost us the entire farm system. At this point I don't give a fuck if we only end up with some shmuck like Mike Cameron in left field. He once hit 4 dingers in one game. In Theo we trust!

Thank God For Twitter and Shawn Johnson

I gotta figure out how to crop myself into this photo and send it out as a family christmas card.

Side Boob Of The Day

Well My Mood Is Lifted

A win is a win, right? I don't care how the job gets done as long as it we come out victorious in the end. I guess we'll deal with Moss tomorrow and whatever stick he has up his ass. But fuck him. Seriously. Fuck him. He's such a piece of shit. Just imagine what the world would be like if we were all a little bit more like Wes Welker.

Another Taylor Hosts SNL. Ugh.

No picture included on this one. Not because I couldn't find one but because I couldn't let myself go on google and search "taylor lautner"

Just weeks after Taylor Swift's appearance on Saturday Night Live, her "really close" friend, Taylor Lautner, took center stage Saturday to host the late-night sketch show. In his opening monologue, Lautner hilariously defended Swift's honor by beheading a Kanye West mannequin with some impressive martial arts kicks. The New Moon star, who was on stage during the rapper's infamous VMA faux pas, reenacted the scene – making himself into a high-kicking hero by knocking West's block off and then kissing his fair maiden.

I still watch SNL when I can. I'm just a lover of Seth Meyers. I think weekend update is the best 7 minutes of comedy week in and week out. But SNL lost me last night within the first 5 minutes because of this Taylor Lautner bitch. Who the fuck is he? I didn't bash Twilight because I didn't want half of the readers to murder me in my sleep but come the fuck on. People can't actually like that. Vampires? Werewolves? Huh? You wanna live your life as a gay fairytale then be my guest. Me and the rest of the world will be out dealing with real life and actually improving ourselves. One day you're gonna wake the fuck up and realize what a waste of life you are. But I digress. SNL used to be big. It was a topic of discussion of who was going to host this week. Now they just let every 18 year old faggot(yeah i said the f word) jump up on stage and let a bunch of 16 year old girls ogle there ed hochuli's. On top of all this, he brought up the Kanye/Swift beef. Ugh. You know how I feel about that.

This Train Is Chugging

New England Patriots outside linebacker Adalius Thomas, who was disciplined for being late for a team meeting earlier this week and spoke out about it, will be benched for Sunday's game against the Carolina Panthers, according to a league source. The benching was first reported by the NFL Network. Thomas was one of four players sent home Wednesday for being late to an 8 a.m. meeting. Thomas later said he was late because of snowy conditions and was stuck in traffic. "That's one thing about Mother Nature, you can't control that. You can't run people over getting to work," Thomas said Thursday. "There is nothing to really apologize about. I didn't try to be late. You leave home, you have people there, cars sitting in the road, you're sitting there, what do you do? It's not the Jetsons, I can't jump up and just fly. What the heck am I supposed to do?"

I love it. It's like you can get on or get off, but there is no in the middle with the Patriots. I know Belichick always appears to have this calm/quiet demeanor in interviews and shit but he's a straight up hot head. I've read books and articles and listened to former players talk about how he lets loose in the locker room, far away from any writers or cameras. You can't question the leader in times of peril just like you don't see politicians bash the president in times of war. You gotta show unity and that there are no cracks in your ship. Anything less than that is a sign of weakness. So no, I'm not at all surprised by this benching. I actually support it. Thomas would have been cut 8 weeks ago if it didn't take such a hit on the team salary cap. He's just one big movie that never panned out.

Side Boob Of The Day

How old is she? Yuckkkk.

Tiger Is Taking a Timeout

They say the sport of golf is in peril because the world's greatest athlete is leaving the game for an indefinite amount of time. Fine. I don't doubt that. Is Tiger Woods really one of the greatest athletes? He's a great golfer. Extremely talented at that. Probably the best ever. But is he an athlete in the sense of what we portray a Lebron or a Michael Vick or Derek Jeter? Even Andy Roddick(fucking love andy roddick btw) is a better athlete than Tiger. I'm not saying golf isn't a sport because it is but I don't think golfers should be classified as athletes. Unless Tiger can run a 4.4 40, jump out of the gym and throw a baseball with some spit then I say no. It's like just because these clowns get paid tons of money and play some pussy sport we call them athletic marvels or something. Sorry but I wouldn't say guys like Sellberg or Charlie Niland were the best athletes at my high school. Best golfers, yes. They wanna go 1 on 1 with me on the hard wood I think we know who is coming out on top. And I'm not picking on golfers because I don't think the majority of track guys are athletes either. Sprinters are obviously athletically gifted. Those guys are a different breed. Just complete freaks. But you're trying to tell me some skinny bitch who can run a 4 minute mile can run, jump, lift, and fuck with the best of us? Get real.