Where All The White Women At?

The fallout from the Tiger Woods scandal continues to grow as Golf Digest announced it was suspending his monthly instructional articles. "We respect Tiger's decision to take a break from professional golf and focus on his family," a Golf Digest publicist said. "Tiger's bylined instruction articles will not be published in Golf Digest during his time away from the game." Woods will remain on the magazine's masthead. It remained unclear if the suspension effects his exclusive contract, which reportedly pays him $3 million a year. "We're not going to comment on the compensation," the publicist said. Golf Digest drew criticism this month when its latest magazine cover, which went to press before the scandal broke, featured a photo illustration of Woods caddying for President Obama with the headline "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger."

Tiger's advice column isn't going to be published in Golf Digest? What are we to do? Well, fear not my friends because let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy who knows Tiger and his advice column is here exclusively for the readers of Ogling Ed Hochuli. Without further ado, Tiger's Tips4Tits.

1. Take your name off your voice mail and just leave it as a number. Thanks.

2. It pays to be a blasian.

3. Fuck fo 'sho, putt fo dough!

4. Ladies love the huge teeth. Unfortunately they attract cell phones from angry wives.

5. If your cover story is going to be "my wife busted the window and pulled me out of the car" don't marry a 105 pound woman. It's just not believable.

6. I'd like to see things be taken back to the old days. No texts, no calls. Just face to face meetings. That way there isn't a paper trail.

7. Thanksgiving + wine + Ambien + texting + driving * the amount of sluts I bagged = bad PR move.

8. I think Lex Luther said it best when he said "dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

9. Grab the shaft with a relaxed grip and try to keep it long and straight and get it in the hole in as few strokes as possible. Don't blow it all on the first, there's at least 17 more in your future.

10. Don't go down without a fight.