The NHL playoffs start tomorrow and it's not a real party until we give you our predictions that will definitely be completely, 100%, totally wrong. The Stanley Cup is the coolest trophy in all of sports. No, the Green Jacket isn't cooler than the Stanley Cup (for the one golf fan that will argue that). There's only one Stanley Cup. Every #winning player gets his name etched on it. Every #winning player gets to keep the Cup after the season to do whatever the hell he wants. I'd like to see Charl Schwartzel drink beer out of the pockets of his green jacket. Argument over. The NHL reseeds after each round so I'm going to re-do my predictions after each round if I don't get them all 100% correct. What's that? I won't have to re-do them? Yeah, you're right.
The NHL is my (Matt) Forte. I'm going to break down all the teams here for you in a quick summary. The Cliff Notes of the 2011 NHL Playoffs, if you will.
East:
1. Washington Capitals: The Capitals haven't had much playoff success lately and have never won a Stanley Cup. In 2008 they were a 3 seed and trailed the 6 seed Flyers 3 games to 1 but forced a game 7 which they lost in OT. In 2009 they were a 2 seed and trailed the 7 seed Flyers 3 games to 1 but ended up winning 3 straight to win the series. Last year they had the top seed and led the Canadiens 3 games to 1 but shit the bed and lost 3 straight and the series. Until this team actually goes on a deep postseason run I'm staying away.
2. Philadelphia Flyers: This team is limping into the playoffs, with a 3-4-3 record in their last 10. I'm not a big believer in this Flyers team but they were 1st in the East for most of the season. They made the finals last year when no one expected them to get out of the first round so I'm not one to bet against them. They might even get Chris Pronger back sometime in Round 1. That's a big "might". As big as Kim Kardashian's ass. Too easy.
3. Boston Bruins: They were the most "unexciting team that won a lot of games in the regular season". If Tim Thomas can get hot he can carry this team. They have a shut-down defense which wins in the playoffs. Some one is going to have to step up and score goals for this team or it will be a short lived playoffs for them.
4. Pittsburgh Penguins: Will Cindy Crosby ever come back? My guess is no. He hasn't played since January 5 and still isn't taking part in contact drills in practice. In other words, he has a huge gaping vagina. They are also without Evgeni Malkin who tore his ACL/MCL on February 4. It's going to be very hard for this team to make a run this postseason but I wouldn't bet against it considering their past postseason success. They had Crosby and Malkin for those runs though.
5. Tampa Bay Lightning: They are the NHL's version of the Oklahoma City Thunder. They have a young stud, people don't expect them to win and they just might surprise people. The Lightning have a mix of ridiculous young talent and veterans who have won in the playoffs before. That can be dangerous. The only question is their goaltending. Dwayne Roloson has been deep in the playoffs before but he is 41-years-old.
6. Montreal Canadiens: Well we should never count them out but this team is just boring and small. They can't score and are hurt on defense. The only reason they won last year was because Patrick Roy cloned himself and put a Jaroslav Halak jersey on. I don't see that happening again for them this year.
7. Buffalo Sabres: A week ago people were talking about who was going to bed the 6-8 seeds but the Sabres rode an 8-1-1 finish into the playoffs. Never doubt a team with one of the 5 best goalies in the NHL. The Sabres have that in Ryan Miller. They might not have much outside of that but in the playoffs that can win you a series.
8. New York Rangers: The Rangers might have beaten the Capitals 7-0 and 6-0 this year but Ryan Callahan, the heart and soul of this team, broke his ankle April 4. The Rangers have one of the best goalies in Lundqvist but when they knew the playoffs were on the line they lost, at home, to the Thrashers 3-0. They ended up beating the Devils 5-2 two days later but only got in because the Lightning beat the Hurricanes. As Lundy goes, so do the Rangers this series - which isn't a bad thing.
Check out the Western Conference analysis, Patrick Kane's hot sisters, predictions, plus video after the jump.
Patrck Kane has hot sisters. Especially the second one in on the left.1. Vancouver Canucks: They were the best team in the regular season. They have the Sedin brothers. They have an awesome goalie in Roberto Luongo. What else do you want me to say? How about, they never perform in the clutch in the playoffs. How about, one of their best Centers, Manny Malholtra, got hurt on March 17. How about, they have never won a Stanley Cup. How about I just say this - this team is the best team in the NHL.
2. San Jose Sharks: This team always seems to choke in the playoffs but they are loaded with talent. Let's see if that can finally pay off.
3. Detroit Red Wings: The Red Wings have more playoff experience than Jenna Jameson does at making pornos. Never bet against that. Who bets on pornos anyways?
4. Anaheim Ducks: When you have a team coached by Gordon Bombay and led by Charlie Conway, Adam Banks and Greg Goldberg in net you can make a deep playoff run (not to mention Julie "The Cat" Gaffney on the bench in case Goldberg stumbles). The combination of pure scoring, bashers and 2 shut-down goalies gives this team a great chance. Wait, wrong Ducks. I'll just let Yahoo handle this preview:
"The Ducks have one of the league’s best lines with Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf and Bobby Ryan. They have Teemu Selanne, still excellent at age 40. They have assets on defense with Lubomir Visnovsky, Toni Lydman and rookie Cam Fowler.5. Nashville Predators: They traded for Carrie Underwood's husband, Mike Fisher, on February 10. She just so happens to live in Nashville. I like this team. It plays playoff hockey, scoring goals when they need to but also playing great defense. They also ended the regular season on a 7-2-1 run. They've lost in the first round 5 straight times so they have to win sometime, right? Right?
So what don’t they have? A healthy goaltender, for one. Jonas Hiller is fighting vertigo. Ray Emery has a lower-body injury, after coming back from hip surgery and filling in admirably down the stretch. Dan Ellis could end up starting Game 1. The Ducks need good goaltending, because they take a lot of penalties, don’t kill them well and give up too much defensively."
6. Phoenix Coyotes: Isn't this team bankrupt? The Coyotes are the definition of yawnstipating. They have the ability to win games in the playoffs but they face the Red Wings in the first round. Enough said.
7. Los Angeles Kings: Where's Wayne Gretzky when they need him? Oh yea, he's with that bankrupt team (see 1/8 inch above). Their best player, Anze Kopitar, tore ligaments in his right ankle on March 26. Their second leading scorer, Justin Williams, suffered a shoulder injury March 21 but will probably play in the 1st round, at under 100 percent. I have no confidence in this team.
8. Chicago Blackhawks: This team won the Cup last season but needed the Minnesota Wild to beat the Dallas Stars on the final day (after they lost to the Red Wings) to make the playoffs. They still have Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews but lost 10 other members of the Stanley Cup run. It wouldn't surprise me if this team won a series or two but I wouldn't bet on it.
1st Round:
1 Washington Capitals vs. 8 New York Rangers (Rangers in 7)
2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. 7 Buffalo Sabers (Flyers in 5)
3 Boston Bruins vs. 6 Montreal Canadiens (Bruins in 6)
4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 5 Tampa Bay Lightning (Lightning in 6)
1 Vancouver Canucks vs. 8 Chicago Blackhawks (Canucks in 6)
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 7 Los Angeles Kings (Sharks in 5)
3 Detroit Red Wings vs. 6 Phoenix Coyotes (Red Wings in 6)
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 5 Nashville Predators (Predators in 7)
2nd Round:
2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. 8 New York Rangers (Flyers in 6)
3 Boston Bruins vs. 5 Tampa Bay Lightning (Bruins in 7)
1 Vancouver Canucks vs. 5 Nashville Predators (Canucks in 5)
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 3 Detroit Red Wings (Sharks in 7)
Conference Finals:
2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. 3 Boston Bruins (Bruins in 7)
1 Vancouver Canucks vs. 2 San Jose Sharks (Canucks in 6)
Stanley Cup Finals:
1 Vancouver Canucks vs. 3 Boston Bruins (Canucks in 6)
The Canucks are the best team in the NHL, by far. They are simply too talented not to reach the finals. They can score goals with anyone. They can can play defense as well/good (I'm not an English major) as anyone. They also have one of the best goalies. In the East, the Bruins have the makings of a team that will make a deep run. They grind out games with good goaltending and find ways to win. The Bruins might grind past the teams in the East but facing the Canucks they will be very over-matched.
Here is your first round TV schedule, courtesy of NHL.com and me for taking all of these screen-shots and formatting them for you. Yes, you're welcome:
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When the NHL starting doing the "History Will Be Made" commercials I got goosebumps the first time I saw one. Every time I see one of these now I still get goosebumps. If these videos don't get you in playoff spirit I'm not sure what will.
And one just for pure nostalgia (because I love that sort of thing):
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