Half Baked Ideas

A lot of shit goes through my head during the day and I don't have enough blog posts to put them all down into full thoughts. So here they are. It's back by popular request.

1. I look at my license photo every fucking day and I don't like it. I got this long hair that looks like I just smoked a bowl and my eyes look as if I drank 14 beers the night before. Because I did drink 14 beers the night before. I wish I could re-do it and throw somebody in there with me. Like santa or the easter bunny. Cop pulls you over and he's gonna smile when he sees your picture. And my hair has to be cut short so I look clean. You always see these celebs who are just hanging out with their unkept hair and they show up on TV with a d.u.i and you're like "whoa. homie looks like shit." Well what about when my mug shut comes up and my hair looks trimmed, sitting next to santa, with an easter egg in my hands? Boom. I'm an internet star.

2. The slam dunk contest sucks. Fuck the tricks. Let's jack the hoop up to like 15 feet and see who can dunk on the highest height.

3. Has the Real World kind of sucked more and more every year? I was beginning to think so until Wednesday's episode. We have a possible attempted murder! It's one of the top 5 anticipated events for the next week. Yes. Welcome to my life. Save me from it.

4. I'm kind of embarrassed how wrong I was on the olympics. I said I wasn't gonna watch and that I didn't give a shit. Well, I'm ENTHRALLED by them. Even the female curlers are babes.

5. 16 and Pregnant is what's wrong with America. Shows like that is why so many countries hate us. It's why I can't find a fucking european friend on chatroulette. Or maybe it's my USA chants or telling them we don't allow gays. One of those 3. Maybe.

6. If you like the song "say ahh" go fuck yourself. Don't even talk to me. I'm not a music snob either but that's a dumb fucking song.

7. Poor Tiger Woods. It's just too bad. If we lived in the time of Mad Men he would be like Don Draper. And Don Draper is awesome. I want a job where I can sit around with my friends, come up with great ideas, smoke, drink and hook up with chicks. Oh. Wait. That's Ogling Ed Hochuli!

8. Back to Tiger Woods. That speech was something else. My favorite part wasn't even the bro hugs. It was when he asked all of us to believe in him again. I'll tell ya what, I was lost and had no beliefs until that moment. I stood up from my couch, put my hand on my heart and said "Tiger, I'm ready to believe in you again!"

9. How did Tiger hide for so long? He was like fucking Bin Laden. No, he wasn't fucking Bin Laden but you know what I mean.

10. Didn't True Life used to follow celebrities? And they started off the show like, "You may think you know but you have no idea." Or was that Diary? Whatever happened to Diary? MTV needs to bring that shit back.

11. I still think the iPad should be some new technology/savvy tampon. Warn girls about their cycles or something. I don't know. Maybe it would play music. That would be a shocker(heyyoooooo).

12. What's Tog's deal? Seriously. Fucking kid asks for a job and I think I'm being a nice guy and giving him a shot to prove himself and he produces 2 posts in 3 days. This isn't a charity case, asshole. It's time to put up or shut up. He's about 12 hours from getting smacked.

13. I'm starting a new party trend. No more drinking light beer in cans. I wanna walk into a party and everybody is drinking nothing but hard liquor on ice, in nice glasses. Might even wear my chatroulette bow tie.

14. I'm gonna meet Michelle Beadle and we're going to get married. I just know it. I'll walk up to her and say 'Why don't we get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini." Will it make sense? No. But will she laugh? I think so.

15. Ben by Michael Jackson just came on. It's a love song to his pet rat. That's INSANE. Who does that? How did he get away with it? It's kind of wild how so many people were shocked that MJ liked to tickle kids with songs like this.

16. I came across a blog called Afraid of Ed Hochuli. Not cool, dudes. Not cool. You will be hearing from my lawyer. Who is also my cat but with a tie on. He's pretty crafty with paper work. Not a big talker though. Big fan of the fifth amendment.

17. I don't like Canada. Even Sean Avery hates Canada and he's from Canada. I don't even wanna invade it because there is nothing of value from taken from it.