I'd Kick The Shit Out Of This Contest

MADRID -- Some clutched pillows or stuffed animals, others fought back giggles as they sought to take a siesta in public - all in the name of plugging a quintessential Spanish custom endangered by the demands of modern life. Amid the bustle of a shopping mall, with babies wailing and pop music piped in overhead, clutches of people tried to snooze Thursday in what was billed as Spain's first siesta competition. The goal - to promote Spain's cherished post-luncheon nap - is no joke, although the costumes of some who participated may be. As the nine-day snooze Olympiad got under way, some competitors snuggled with giant stuffed animals or clutched pillows like babies with comforters. Others wore airplane eye masks to block the light. A young stern-faced judge with a T-shirt bearing the letters "ZZZ" monitored the proceedings perched high on a lifeguard's chair. Contestants in groups of five were given 20 minutes to lie down on garish blue coaches and timed by a doctor with a pulse-measuring device to determine how long they spent snoozing. They could win extra points for snoring, adopting goofy sleep positions or wearing outlandish night wear in plain view of gawking shoppers. Their sofas were lined up in parallel numbered lanes like those of a track and field meet, and eight rounds were being held per day. The winner of the inaugural round was a portly and loquacious construction worker, 47-year-old Fermin Lominchar, who raised his arms in triumph as he mounted the podium. He was timed as having slept 18 minutes, much of it with his generous gut sticking out from an untucked plaid shirt. "I just conked out. No problem whatsoever," he said, winning a euro30 ($42.30) gift certificate.

This is why America is the most powerful country in the world. A true test of a man is how many hot dogs he can take down on our nation's birthday, not who can take the best naps in public. This seems a little too easy to win. I mean throw me 4 Advil PM's and I'll have that shit wrapped up faster than Donahue's dong on prom night. They don't drug test and give out extra points for snoring and sleeping in odd positions? Seems like there's a catch or something. I don't know. I don't trust Spain in the first place. The Spanish, French and Germans are all nationalities that require a double take. I mean how didn't the spanish get involved in WWII? If I'm seeking world domination, I want Spain. Make the country my vacation spot or something and Hitler wanted nothing to do with it. In fact, I'm pretty sure Hitler and the Spain's head honcho were pals. Don't hold me to that but I know enough history to make your head spin. There's a deep rooted conspiracy there that demands attention. Spain is trouble, man. From the conquistadors to the present. Something is brewing. They hold these nap contests to look all innocent and shit to cover up their true ambitions. Well you didn't fool me pablo sanchez. I'm coming for your ass.