The Horse Was Giving Him Bedroom Eyes

SHELTON, Conn. -- A Shelton man has been charged with sexual assault in an incident involving a horse, police said. Shelton police said officers were called to Partridge Lane Monday evening for reports of a man inappropriately touching a horse. Police said the caller said the man appeared to be touching the horse in a sexual manner and that the horse appeared to be in pain. Police said Marian Wegiel, 63, was found in the corral when officers arrived. Police said Wegeil told officers he was comforting the horses after they were scared by a loud noise. Police said Wegiel told them his fingers may have inadvertently gone inside one of the horses.Shelton police said a veterinarian was called to inspect the horses.Wegiel was charged with cruelty to animals, sexual assault in the fourth degree, criminal trespass and breach of peace. He was released on a $500 bond and is scheduled to appear in Derby Court on Nov. 1.

What's sexual assault in the fourth degree? A little touch and feel that hints at the fact you wanna play ball but if the other person would rather sit on the bench it's cool because you just wanted to float the option out there with your finger bang? That sounds a little more serious than playing just the tip. I just don't know how you can defend this in the court of law. Old man river walks into a corral, trips and ends up with his fist in a horse's ass? Like he fucking dropped his car keys through the tip of his dick or something?  Or maybe like Brett Favre had his phone stolen, then the thief took a picture of his dick and sent it to the same girl Favre has been calling all week. That type of shit has to happen everyday for it to be valid and that my friends is what you would call a precedent. Ya, I took Business Law and passed. And let's be honest for a second. I think you'd rather be caught inappropriately touching a horse rather than outside of your neighbors window, on a stool, furiously masturbating and wearing a "property of The Situation" muscle shirt. I swear that last part was in the court documents. He's a huge J-Shore fan.