Yo. That Sucked.

We play 36 minutes of basketball and if you don't have a vagina then you know a NBA game consists of 48 minutes. I don't where to begin with this game. It just sucked. We built a lead and absolutey dominated then we disappeared like JWoww from an episode of Jersey Shore. Can't even blame the defense because Ray played great on Kobe on that final shot. That was just Kobe being Kobe(who played like shit by the way). Let's not forget that huge offensive foul call on Pierce with about 25 seconds to go. You don't fucking call that. It was a great acting job by Artest but you don't call an offensive foul on Pierce with 25 seconds to go with a 1 point lead on his home court. Just disgusting.

Checking Up On Former Blogger, Dylan Sellberg

Good God, man. You should probably untag yourself from that picture ASAP. Also, get away from that heffer to your left. One of her butt cheeks takes up your whole fucking body. Which means that's a large ass because that boy in the blue feathers has a large body.

P.S. Arms are looking cut, brotha.

John Terry Is The Worst Friend Ever

When a court overturned an injunction on publishing some John Terry gossip, we thought it was a standard "affair with teammate's girlfriend." But, holy shit. We had no idea. According to the News of the World, which must have been furious that the courts held up this epic scoop, Terry and Vanessa Perroncel have been carrying on since at least September — behind the backs of Terry's teammate at Chelsea and for England, Wayne Bridge, and oh yeah, Terry's wife. Early in their relationship, they became worried because they hadn't used protection. Sure enough, they found out Perroncel was pregnant. They then waited five weeks before deciding to get an abortion. (Like that bolding? Very British tabloid.) Terry asked for permission to leave national team practice to be by her bedside. (One can imagine Bridge asking him why he had to leave. Poor, poor bastard.) After the procedure, Terry gave Perroncel £20,000 to "cheer herself up". And apparently, the experience brought them closer together.

Essentially what we have here is the Tiger Woods of England and it might even be bigger than that. This isn't just some athletic scandal. This is equivalent to Obama knocking up Biden's wife and then they gotta go solve world peace together. I'm not even exaggerating that because that's how important soccer is over there, especially when it concerns the captain of the national team. On top of all of it, she got an abortion. Yeah, eat your heart out Tebow. This is just one of those stories you read and the only reaction is, "holy shit." There are only 3 times in your life where 'holy shit' is completely acceptable to say in public, even around children. If you see a cat beating up a dog, the white house is on fire, and when 2 world famous athletes are involved in a sex scandal that includes an affair, an abortion and a french underwear model.

I'm So Buying This

I was sold on the $29.99 item until I saw the shipping fee was $15.00. Why so much? Oh I don't know. Maybe because it's from the fucking phillipines. Fuck them and their toosie rolls dicks.


P.S. That's 2 consecutive posts where I mentioned filipino cock.

I Can't Tell You How Happy This Makes Me

Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, meanwhile, had a shaky outing running a pro-style offense against a sturdy defense. He fumbled twice and finished 8 of 12 passing for 50 yards in the showcase for senior NFL prospects. Tebow's longest completion was 11 yards and he netted 4 yards on four rushes, but was never turned loose as a power runner as he often was with the Gators. He battled strep throat early but didn't miss any practice time during a week when he was trying to prove to skeptical NFL teams and draft analysts that he could be a starting pro quarterback. "I think I'm definitely open to improving my fundamentals," Tebow said. "I think I definitely showed that by being here. If you just watched the way I played, you could see there is room for improvement and what I need to work on."

Bahahahahahahahahahaa. This motherfucker just doesn't get it. NFL teams don't draft players who need to work on their fundamentals. That's what middle school is for. I mean if he can't even play good against a bunch of senior scrubs then imagine what's gonna happen when he faces the 2nd string of any defense. I doubt he could even cut it against the practice squad. There won't be a coach like Urban Meyer who wishes he was your daddy in the NFL. No hugs on the sideline if you throw an interception and no pep talks at halftime after a rough quarter. Maybe stick to what you're good at it. Performing surgery on the dicks of little filipino boys.

Was Michael Buble Drunk Last Night?

I don't know anything about Michael Buble. I don't know how he performs or how he even sounds live. What I do know is that's exactly how I stumble around when I'm drunk and singing at a party. Just replace his microphone with an empty bottle and you got me 1 week ago. Seriously though, that dude is way too loose up there.

I Just Saw This While Watching Teen Mom

My only question would be does this video come with a stripper pole and an AC Slater type chair with no arms? Those seem to the 2 essentials to making it work. Oh, and being a complete whore.

Tell My Secretary To Get Kanye On The Phone

Taken from his blog:

"WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, REMEMBER THE FEARLESS, REMEMBER THE DREAMERS, REMEMBER THOSE WHO REPRESENT THE GHETTO...THE FAIRY TALE OF NOTHING TO SOMETHING. I'M BRIEFLY SADDENED BY NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BUT I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE PEOPLE ARE SCARED, INCAPABLE OR JUST PLAIN IDIOTS. WE ARE THE FUCKING ROCK STARS BABY. NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE MY NIGGAS!! NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE! IT'S FUNNY TO ME WHEN FASHION BLOGGERS DOWN OUR OUFITS AND THEN SUPER JOCK OUTLANDISH SHIT ON THE RUNWAY BUT THEN THEY DRESS MAD PRUDE AND DON'T LIVE FASHION. WE LIVE IT MAN. FUCK THAT, WE LIVE IT!!! WE LIVE IT SO HARD PEOPLE LIVE THROUGH US! WE REPRESENT YOUR INNER SPIRIT!! THE CHILD IN US ALL, THE BRUTAL HONESTY, THE NAIVETY, THE BRAVE WARRIOR, THE ADRENALINE THAT ALLOWS A MOTHER TO LIFT A CAR IF HER CHILD WAS TRAPPED UNDER IT! REMEMBER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN EVERYBODY DISSED MICHAEL JACKSON EVERY CHANCE THEY COULD. IMAGINE THE PRESSURE OF BEING A TRUE ICON. VERY FEW HUMAN BEINGS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CONSTANT HATE!!! IF WE DON'T DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE SHIT, YOU BEAT US UP VERBALLY AND MENTALLY, LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER BEATING A CREATIVE STUDENT INTO SUBMISSION. I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING 'COLOR INSIDE THE LINES!!!' WELL FUCK YOUR COLORING BOOK, COLOR BY NUMBERS APPROACH TO LIFE. AT THE END OF THE DAY WHO ARE WE HURTING??? OH "THE NEW BLACK???" SINCE BARACK IS PRESIDENT BLACKS DON'T LIKE FUR COATS, RED LEATHER, AND FRIED CHICKEN ANY MORE?! WHEN YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND CULTURAL SETTINGS, BOUNDARIES, AND OUR MODERN DAY CASTE SYSTEMS, THEN YOU CAN FEEL THE GLORY AND PAIN FROM THE DAYS OF KINGS IN AFRICA TO THE NEW KINGS OF THE MEDIA. LET THE BALL PLAYERS DANCE AFTER THEY SCORE! IT'S LIFE MY NIGGAS, IT'S LIFE! REMEMBER CLOTHING IS A CHOICE. WE WERE BORN NAKED!!! FRESH IS AN OPINION, LOVE IS OBJECTIVE, TASTE IS SELECTIVE, AND EXPRESSION IS MY FAVORITE ELECTIVE. NO MORE POLITICS OR APOLOGIES!!!"

What the fuck was that? He hit on Barack, catholic school teachers, kings of africa, Michael Jackson and fashion. That's the jolt of energy this fucking blog needs.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

Rey Was Drankin'

CINCINNATI -- Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Rey Maualuga has pleaded not guilty in northern Kentucky to drunken and careless driving. Covington police spokesman Spike Jones says Maualuga hit a parking meter and two parked cars early Friday with his 2003 Pontiac. There was minor damage. The 23-year-old was held about seven hours at the Kenton County jail before being released on his own recognizance. Court records show he entered a plea and was ordered to return this month for a hearing.

This sounds about right. The Bengals had a great regular season and stayed mostly out of trouble but the honeymoon is over. It was only a matter of time before one of them fucked up and they were turned back into the laughing stock of the NFL(oh someone jumped off a truck and died? Too soon?) You can't turn a whore into a house wife and you can't turn a bunch of degenerate football players into stand up men. That's about it. Wait. He was driving a 2003 Pontiac? Bahahahahahahahahahha. No wonder he got pulled over. They don't pull you over if you're in a maybach but if you're in the pontiac they just assume it's Joe the plumber.

It's Just Been One Of Those Weeks

I know when I've brought it and when I'm just going through the motions. It's not even friday yet and I know my posts all week have sucked. I haven't been funny or insightful or clever or witty or anything worth reading. I can't even take credit for R. Kelly because that dude is a nut case all on his own. I'm not saying I quit but maybe it's time I realize my best games are all behind me. Maybe reinvent myself like the 1996 Michael Jordan. I don't fucking know.

Rondooooooooo and Pierce Picked To Be All-Stars

Rajon Rondo and Paul Pierce will both be named as reserves for the Eastern Conference All-Star team, sources tell CSNNE and Yahoo! Sports. Rondo and Pierce join Kevin Garnett, who was voted onto the team as a starter. Yahoo! obtained the complete list, which won't be official until later tonight. Besides Rondo and Pierce, the East roster includes Chicago's Derrick Rose, Toronto's Chris Bosh, Charlotte's Gerald Wallace and Atlanta's Joe Johnson and Al Horford.

I don't know what Pierce has to do to get respect. Is it possible for a 8 time all-star to still be underrated? Pierce might be the only case. I'm not saying he's Kobe or Lebron but he's on the same level with Wade and 'Melo. It's just because his game isn't as pretty or flashy as Wades is and it's a fucking shame. I don't even know how to describe Pierce's game except it's just him going to business. That's all it is. Not pretty, not electric, just whatever he has to do to get the job done and he does it every night. And what else is there to say about Rajon Rondo? He's gonna be one of the best point guards to ever play the game when it's all said and done. Take that to the bank.

How many all-stars do the Lakers, Cavs and Magic have? That's what I thought.

Jersey Shore Round 2

How much can you charge to have people watch you dance, drink and cause drama? The answer is $10,000. MTV has recently come to an agreement with the cast of the Jersey Shore on what they will be paid per episode of the second season of the hit reality show, Ok! reported. There was some question last week as to the fate of the cast when they refused the $5,000 per episode offer MTV reportedly made them. But holding out has paid off and it looks like the cast will all get paid $10,000, although nothing has been signed yet, Ok! said. This news will come as a relief to fans of Snooki, Pauly D and the Situation, as rumors flew that the whole cast might be replaced if a agreeable deal could not be made. Mike Sorrentino aka “the Situation” told Ok! “I believe that the cast we have right now is irreplaceable and once you find that magic, it is hard to replace.”

I love it. I think it's stupid but I love it. The Situation knows what's up. He pretty much said you can't catch lightning in a bottle twice or something like that. I just don't know how this is gonna work. They can't possibly go out on the Jersey Shore without getting hounded by grenades. Then again that could also make it more entertaining. My biggest fear is that it wont live up to the first season, I guess. If this ends up being like The Hills then I'll kill myself. All scripted and shit. My prediction is they take their game to the beach more instead of Karma. A whole other war zone for them to conquer.

Really?

The Culkin brothers? Really? The motherfucking Culkin brothers. Ugh.

I Forgot To Post This Last Night

Ryan Gomes. The pride of Providence College.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

At least he's honest?

The Chick From Teen Mom Is Starving

Stop staring at the camera like you wanna eat it. Or fuck it. Isn't that how you got on TV in the first place?

UConn Just Lost To Providence.

UConn is like JWowww. She'll have sex with you and then rip your head off. It's impossible to get a solid read on this team and it just depresses the shit of me. That's all I got on this one.

Introducing The New Starting QB Of The Cardinals

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner will announce Friday at a news conference whether he plans to retire, according to a Cardinals source. The widespread assumption -- one that hasn't changed for weeks -- is that the 38-year-old Warner will step away from the game. One possible indication of Warner's intentions is that he already has begun gathering his family so they can attend Friday's news conference at the team's training facility, according to sources. Warner also has another added motivation for a quick decision: He has multiple promotional appearance commitments during Super Bowl week in Miami. Rather than answer retirement questions then, Warner would prefer to remove the focus from his future as quickly as possible so it's not an issue next week, according to a source.

We like Matt Leinart. He's such a dude.

Tim Tebow Wants You To Say No To Abortion

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Tim Tebow is taking his star power to sport's biggest stage . The former Florida quarterback and his mother will appear in a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl next month. The Christian group Focus on the Family says the Tebows will share a personal story centering on the theme "Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life." The group isn't releasing details, but the commercial is likely to be an anti-abortion message chronicling Pam Tebow's 1987 pregnancy. After getting sick during a mission trip to the Philippines, she ignored a recommendation by doctors to abort her fifth child and gave birth to Tim.

This is why I hate Tim Tebow. He wants to be more than just a football player and that's a bad thing especially because he's a poor fucking excuse for a football player. First off, I'm not gonna take advice on abortion from a guy who said he's never had sex. Something just seems wrong about that. You won't see me on the blog talking about gun control. Another part I don't like is the religion thing. I don't like mixing religion and politics and I really don't like mixing religion with the Super Bowl. I also don't like mixing red mountain dew with alcohol. It just makes your teeth red and you can bench yourself for the rest of the game after that.

Did Jimmy Fallon Steal My Joke?

Everyone talked about how clever and funny it was of Jimmy Fallon to open his show up last friday by singing It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday. Well I didn't find it so humorous. Maybe because I had the same exact type of joke. 3 motherfucking months ago. SO all you Late Night ball washers suck on this. http://mutualuniversity.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-sorry-this-is-all-i-have-left-in-me.html

Some Kid Saw BJ in The Dictionary. Boo. Hoo.

MENIFEE, Calif. -- A California school district that pulled a dictionary from classrooms because it defined oral sex will allow it back on the shelves. A committee of parents, teachers and administrators decided on Tuesday to permit fourth- and fifth-graders at Oak Meadows Elementary School in Menifee to use Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. However, parents can opt to have their kids use an alternative dictionary. The Riverside County district has 9,000 students and pulled the reference book last week after a parent complained about a child stumbling across the oral sex definition. That led to cries of censorship.

What did you expect? You give 30 kids free time in the library and you think they're just gonna go in the fiction section and read about the Bearington Bears or something? It's a mix between looking at pictures of fighter jets and looking up the definition of fuck, shit, and every other body part. Especially if our pal Noah decided to throw in some illustrations. We all grew a little more hair on our chest on those days. There wasn't a crowd of kids around the Dictionary stand because they were all fascinated by the definition of gasconading. Which means to boast or to brag. Do not test my vocabulary.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

I watched all 4 videos and I still don't know why R. Kelly has a gun or was threatening to kill everybody. Get up out that house foo!

Best Super Bowl Ever?

Is that Carlton? Bahahahahahaha

Listen I don't get excited for games that don't involve Tom Brady. I barely even paid attention last year. I just don't like rooting for anything other than TB or Matty Cassel. But this game has me for some reason. I like offense and I like scoring and I like shots of Kim Kardashian after Reggie Bush muffs a punt. There's something special about this Saints team and I don't know what it is. Maybe it's Drew Brees and how he's the kind of guy I'd take home to meet the parents after a little slap and tickle. Maybe it's how Sean Payton acts like his shit don't stink like some sort of Belichick clone. Who knows. One thing I do know is that the QB of New Orleans isn't Peyton Manning. I don't care how he's silly or the smartest passer of all time. You know what? Blow me. If the Colts win and the media felches Peyton for another month then I will seriously post Never Gonna Give You Up once a day for 4 months. Nothing else. Just you watching Rick Astley every fucking day. For 120 straight days. I might even do you one better and just post a different Rick Astley video. Have you ever heard another Rick Astley song? Venture on over to youtube and let your ears bleed. Or I could just put up the preview for Dear John. I miss you so much it hurts.

May 28th and May 29th. Mark It Down.

What does that mean? It means DMB will be opening up its summer tour in Hartford. So What? So Let's Dance! Plan on me being drunk on the 27th of May, The 28th of May, The 29th of May and hopefully I'll drink so much that I'll still be cocked on the 30th. Which is a Monday. But it's the summer so who gives a fuck?




Got these dates from oxygenashtray.blogspot.com

Charlie Davies On The Road To Something

What does this progress mean, exactly? It means that, barring any setbacks, Davies could be back on the field with club team FC Sochaux by April, meaning his chances of playing for the United States in June's World Cup should no longer be seen as a shattered dream. "Charlie is pretty much light years ahead of where anybody would tell you he should be," said Jim Hashimoto, the former U.S. national team trainer who is overseeing Davies rehabilitation. "When everybody heard about the accident, including myself, it was like, 'OK, this is going to be a long one' -- and it's still going to be a long one, but to see his progress is pretty amazing." Just how amazing? The multiple broken bones in his leg, face and elbow have healed. So has a torn posterior cruciate ligament in his left knee, and he has recovered from bladder surgery, which left a foot-long scar on his stomach. He has regained the 15 pounds he lost after enduring six surgeries following the crash, and is days away from undergoing his final surgery associated with the accident, a procedure to remove a bone, plate and screws from his left elbow. After a week to recover from that surgery, Davies expects to be back training with Sochaux by the end of February.

The American dream, baby. U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Bode Miller Is Drunk Again

The U.S. Tennis Association will try to create reality-show suspense and buzz by launching a national playoff that could lead to a spot in the U.S. Open main draw. Two-time Olympic alpine ski racer Bode Miller has already announced his intention to compete. Miller is a former Maine high school singles champion and has long been an instructor at the Tamarack Tennis Camp in Easton, N.H., founded by his mother's family. "Tennis has always been a part of my life," Miller said in a statement released by the USTA. "The U.S. Open National Playoffs is a great concept and I look forward to playing in one of the sectional qualifying tournaments this spring. It will give me an outlet to focus my competitiveness after the Olympics and World Cup season." Here's how it works: Players can register for a $125 fee if they are USTA members 14 years of age and over (U.S. citizenship is not required). The qualifying tournament will begin with competitions in 16 of the 17 USTA sections -- all but the Caribbean -- from April through June. The men's and women's draws will be cut off at 256 players apiece and will be unseeded -- a nationwide grab bag, so to speak.

I like Bode Miller. However, he's a bit of a clown. Like there a guys who can say they don't give a fuck about anything but Bode Miller really doesn't give a fuck about anything. I don't know if anyone has seen him in an interview but he's an asshole and that's part of the reason why I like him. He doesn't give off this fake persona like Favre, Kobe or A-rod. He doesn't wanna be on TV and he's gonna tell you about it. Now this is either Bode Miller trying to make a fool of the US Tennis Association or he's really just an attention seeking whore. Or he was just drunk when he said this.

Roddick Goes Down. Down Under.

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Defending Australian Open champion Rafael Nadal and American No. 7 seed Andy Roddick made painful exits from the tournament in Tuesday's quarterfinals. Nadal was forced to retire with an injured knee during his match with No. 5 Andy Murray, while Roddick, playing with an injured shoulder for five sets, lost to Marin Cilic. Murray was leading No. 2-ranked Nadal 6-3, 7-6 (2), 3-0 when the Spaniard said he could not continue. Murray is the first British man in 25 years to reach the semifinals in Australia.

Little known fact about me. I like me some tennis. And I love me some Andy Roddick. Big fan. First off, he's American. So obviously he tells people exactly how he feels. You're guaranteed a random outburst from him once, every major tournament. Did I mention that he's engaged to Brooklyn Decker? Of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit fame. Let's just say Andy Roddick has got it goin' on. But most of all, and this is the big reason why I like Andy Roddick. He's just a dude. Say what you will about him being sponsored by Lacoste but he's a dude. I can't really explain what it means. A dude knows a fellow dude. I probably hang with about 6 dudes. The rest of you all have what we call, vagina tendencies. Sellberg.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

It was only a matter of time before Trapped in The Closet made it on here. Instead of talking to people I think I'm just gonna use my R.Kelly voice and sing all my words.

Issue Of The Day. OTH Or 'Cuse Game?

Let's say I have this friend who loves Syracuse. He's what you would call a man's man. You got a story about a particular female and he'll top it. Just give the fucker a beer and it's game on. But this friend has another side to him. He's emotional. Some would even say he's sensitive. Syracuse is ranked 4th in the country and has a game against the 12th ranked Hoyas from Georgetown on national television. And here's the problem. The second half of the game will probably start around 8. THE SAME TIME AS ONE TREE HILL. This isn't just some episode you can blow off. Julian and Brooke broke up and some other shit is going on inside the house. So is it gay to watch One Tree Hill and flip to the game during commercials? I gotta know. I mean my friend has to know. DVR is not an option because How I Met Your Mother is also on at 8. That's a good fucking show. I know a lot of guys who watch it. Over the age of 30. Fuck it. Would it be helpful to throw in that 24 is on at 9 to cancel out all the homosexuality?

This Is For Matt Berman

ASPEN, Colo. -- It's like a beer competition for marijuana. A cannabis festival in Aspen this spring will be the first in the state for approved growers to put their strains in a contest. The Western Slope Cannabis Crown will have about 50 medical marijuana growers enter their strains of weed. The marijuana strains will be diagnostically tested for their THC levels. Growers will also be able to sell to medical marijuana patients. The customers would vote on a "people's choice" strain. The Cannabis Crown organizer, Bobby Scurlock, says about 1,500 tickets have been sold for the two-day event.

I really have nothing to say about this besides this sounds like the most boring party of all time. Just doesn't sound fun to me. These kids can go talk about whatever they talk about at some sort of smokers lounge. I don't know. I'll be the guy down the road at the bar. Pouring rum down some chicks tits with Pauly D.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

I don't care if she was only there because she's visiting with Lamar Odom and the rest of the LA Lakers. The leader of the free world and a slutbag like her should never have face time together. Now I know why Osama and his boys wanna blow us off the face of the earth. It's for shenanigans like this. Doesn't Barack have a big speech to prepare for this week? Or like 300 other things on his list to do list? It just seems like if you're gonna chat up a Kardashian then it's gotta be Kourteny or Kim. Whatever. I'll admit I fell for his super cool act last year. Hope and change had me in a tizzy or something. But now I'm over it. I'm just sick of this dude.

Is This The Saddest Man On Monday Morning?

Yikes. Yikes. Yiiiiikes. You had to see that coming. He's kind of been doing it all year. Plays good, solid, productive football for 57 minutes and then the bomb hits. Could the Vikings have run the ball and kick a 50 yard field goal? Sure. Would Brett allow that? Fuck no. There wasn't a shot in hell that #4 was gonna let somebody else take the spotlight from him. Win or lose. I love how the Fox cameras followed him for like 3 minutes after the game as he limped around like a little bitch. I had to check back and make sure the Saints actually won that game. Just pathetic. Didn't he know this was not Detroit? THIS IS THE SUPER BOWL!

Sean Avery Is Pissed

There's a correlation, you know, between not protecting your goaltender when he's run, not avenging your captain when he's concussed, not protecting your all-world scorer when he fights with an opposition enforcer, and lame white flag performances like this that occur regularly.Team character defects that are so glaring do not develop in a vacuum. "You can say it's a lack of preparation, but that's BS; it's a lack of competitiveness," Sean Avery, perhaps the Blueshirts' best player, told The Post. "We do not play hard enough. "I don't have the explanation for it. I don't know if it's us not holding each other accountable, or what, but it's a total lack of respect for our fans and the organization. It's a joke." "It's fine if you get beat," said Avery. "It's fine if you compete and get beat, but to play this way . . . that's not what it's like to be a Ranger."

I had to read that like 3 times to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. Did Larry Brooks really call Sean Avery the best player on the Rangers? I'm not gonna complain. The bottom line is this. Sean Avery comes to play every night. You don't have to know a ton about hockey to see that. It's evident in watching that guy play on the ice that he busts his ass up and down, from line to line with nothing but heart.

Finally. Your Jersey Shore Finale Post

Before we dissect what went down I need to apologize. I wanted to get this done by friday and then by saturday but then I just continued living my life(which consists of taunting Matty Berman via Twitter. Yes, matty b of www.oxygenashtray.blogspot.com fame). Nothing too memorable happened, though. There was actually more action in the reunion show than on the finale but whatever. Here are your key points. For the last time. Or until another show captivates me like this one did.

-Pauly D asks The Situation what his plans are after the Jersey Shore. His Response: Go to Rhode Island. Don't say the guy doesn't have priorities.

-Ronnie got arrested and Snooki didn't know whether to call 911, urgent care, or the police department.

-I want somebody to put together a 5 minute montage of The Situation unsuccessfully using the phone to call girls.

-Poor Snooki. Poor, poor Snooks.

-These girls don't even hide it anymore. They want a man on steroids or growth hormones. Or a "gorilla juice head."

-"Big is out and lean is in. thin, thin is in, baby."-The Situation. If I could go back in time this would be my senior quote.

"There's definetly a possibility with me leaving the shore with possibly a date for the rest of the holidays. 'Hey ma this is my girlfriend for the next couple months until I break up with her and summer starts." The Situation

-Ronnie and Sammi went out on a date and toasted to themselves going past the Jersey Shore. They didn't even get past 11:40 on the reunion special.

-The Situation and Snooki making out was what we in the Biz call a "sympathy hook up." Girl went through so much all day that it would be a crime to deny her and break her heart again.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

Next time yo ass get horny, go fuck one of your funky ass friends!

Hey, I'm an Asshole

So I was wrong. Shocker. At least I can admit it. I'm not gonna say this team can win a national championship because of one game. I'm not gonna say they'll even win the Big East because I don't think they will do that either. Nothing changes to me about this team. UConn showed us exactly who we thought they were. An extremely streaky team that can go from hot to cold in the matter of seconds. I just hope Calhoun stays away from this team for as long as possible.


P.S. Count how many times I said "team." I'd take points off this post

Not a Dry Eye In The House

Definition of a class act. See ya in September.

Jack Nicholson Has To Pee

(Top right)

C'mon, bro. Get back to the phones. I don't wanna call in and get stuck with Russell Simmons or having to remind Chevy Chase where he is.

"That Ass Did Not Look 12"

Was she over 18? I'm not so sure. But I'm also not gonna be the guy who doubts The Situation. Because just like Brett Favre; the second you count his old ass out, he comes back to bite you with the force of a thousand men.

Happy Weekend Bitches

Too many videos today? Well fuck you. I worked damn hard this week.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

Hair braider. It's about the chick that braids his hair. Yup. R.Kelly really gets paid to make all these songs.

Kanye Likes 'Em Classy

I really have nothing to say about this except for this. Ew.

Sean Avery Has a Busy Night

It's about time Hartnell beat Avery in a fight. I feel like he was a career 0-7 against the guy. Whatever. Sean never really got his gloves off in time so it's a it of a draw.



That's a man taking care of business right there. Mess with the pretty skills boy then you're gonna get the horns from Avery.

ApparentlyThe NBA Still Holds a Dunk Contest

CLEVELAND -- Kobe Bryant is taking a pass on the slam dunk contest, no matter what Shaquille O'Neal has in mind. Bryant nearly burst out laughing Thursday when asked about O'Neal's idea that the Lakers superstar should appear in next month's All-Star weekend dunk event with LeBron James and Vince Carter. O'Neal suggested the star-studded field as a way of luring James, who is skipping the dunkathon after initially saying he was in. Bryant won the dunking crown when he was a rookie. He says players should not feel a responsibility toward entering the contest as a way of giving back to the league. James has been criticized for backing out. Bryant would like to see the MVP take part. "Responsibility? No," Bryant said following the Lakers' shootaround. "People want to see it, so it's good to do it at least one time in your career. It's fun."

Dunk contest? Does that shit even still exist? I can't remember the last time I spent a friday night watching that garbage. Maybe it's just me but Shannon Brown hasn't gotten any emotion out of me since he was at Michigan State(pulled that out of my ass). And Nate Robinson doesn't do it for me. I don't respect a player that I could probably kick the shit out of with a hockey stick and bullet proof vest on. Who's the other guy? De Rozan? Derosen? I don't fucking know. That's saying a lot because I know a lot of people most guys don't. Give me a team and I'll throw some names at you that will have you stumped. Dan Gadzuric of the Bucks. Yeah, that just happened. ANYWHO. I could see Kobe laughing this off because he's Kobe. He's a multiple NBA champion and a sex offender. But what has Lebron done that warrants him an easy pass on the dunk contest? He hasn't won a ring yet or escaped a rape charge and going by Kobe's formula you gotta do all those things at least once in your career. Even I'm more qualified to pass up the dunk contest. Wait what?

p.s. if you're telling me you knew that picture above was Dee Brown, I'm not buying it.

Ummmmm...Sooooo......Then This Happened

A newly redhead Hayden Panettiere finally flew out of Miami yesterday after a romantic month holed up with latest boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko. The Heroes actress, 20, has spent the past few weeks sunning herself with the Ukranian boxing champ, 33, after he invited her to join him in Florida for New Year. As well as getting to know Klitschko, it appeared the young star also decided to dye her previously blonde hair red over the holidays.

I guess I'm just confused. Do girls usually go from blonde bombshell to slutty red head? Just seems kind of misleading. Carpet obviously doesn't match the drapes. It sucks this had to happen at this point because I was ready to put her into the equation. Ya know? Like, her, in the equation. We could've smushed or something.

I'm So Sick Of Glen Davis

Boston Celtics forward Glen "Big Baby" Davis shouted an obscenity at a heckling fan during Wednesday night's loss to the Detroit Pistons at The Palace of Auburn Hills, a reaction coach Doc Rivers called "unacceptable" and said might result in a fine or suspension. "Not from me, but he might from the league," Rivers said of possible disciplinary action. "I'm upset that we lost, people call me names, but that's part of the game. If you win the game, it keeps a lot of people quiet." The jeering fan near the Celtics' bench repeatedly called Davis "fat boy" and told him to lose some weight. Davis' response was audible on both the Boston radio and television broadcasts of the game and prompted the fan, according to a report in the Boston Globe, to file a complaint with NBA security. The Globe also reported that the fan, Scott Zack, had been warned earlier about his heckling of Davis. "We know what happened, and that's unacceptable," Rivers said. "It's tough when the fans are yelling that stuff at you, but you have to be stronger than that."

I've never liked Big Baby. He was this cute little clumsy kid when he was rookie but now he's just a fucking punk. It takes a real asshole to break your thumb by punching your best friend in the face. He's not even a baby anymore. 4 years into the league and he's still pulling this shit? It's like he got this ego after last season in the playoffs when he had to fill in for KG. The guy thinks he's entitled to something because of it and it pisses me off. He's just a pussy. That's the only world I can think of when describing Glen Davis. A chubby, overrated pussy. Like Snooki.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

He refers to himself as a sexasaurus. That's when I turned it off and decided no other song can be topped for the day.

Is That Tiger?

That's gotta be him, right? I'm not gay but I know Tiger's body pretty well and those look like they belong to him. I just wanna thank Tiger for the new style tips. Throw on a hat and beard when just say fuck you sleeves to the hoodie. Looovesss itttt!

I'm Drankin' The Jets Kool-Aid

I'm not ashamed to say it. Do I like Rex Ryan? Not at all. I think he's a fat slob and a poor excuse for a man. But he's still a man and he has some big brass balls. I like the whole cocky thing. It just works for me. when you got a fragile mind like Sanchez at the QB position you have to build him up as much as possible so I see nothing wrong with telling the world you expect to beat the 2nd best QB in history. I'm actually a fan of Sanchez. Liked him when he was at USC. That's it. And on top of all this, I just hate the Colts. The Jets can go to he superbowl and I wouldn't care. They're no real threat to the Pats like when the Rays went to the World Series and Yankee fans got their Snooki on and said lick my ass. They're just the hot team of the year and next year all will be right when they go on back to mediocrity. But the Colts are a team I despise. Every player on that team. Peyton Manning. Ugh. I don't know why America/Jim Nantz loves him so much. Sorry he's not awesome like Tom Brady who can win 3 superbowls and knock up an actress then marry a super model in 16 months. Then there's Dallas Clark. Ew. Reggie Wayne. Overrated. There is nothing appealing to me about Indy. They're fans suck. That sums it up for me. You have the best record in the AFC. Congratulations. Now go out and do something people will remember.

Venus with no underwear?

Deadspin reports that Venus Williams might have played at the Austraian Open without underwear. Check the link for more pics.

Bobsleigh wardrobe malfunction! See thong!

Beach volleyball is usually the best place to catch a peek at a hot backside - like that of Misty May-Traynor. However, Gillian Cooke, U.K. bobsleigh brakeman (person?), showed that Winter Olympians can exhibit a little skin too. Check out the video below to see how her suit split and showed off her ass in a thong.
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Slam Dunk Beer Pong. Not Sure How I Feel About It

I think if I was walking by a party and saw this happen then it would be hilarious. But If I was on the table and some jackass decides to get all Akron Hammer on the cups it might be a different story. Just seems like a good way to get the shit kicked out of you. 20 bucks says Dan Donahue pulls a stunt similar to this next time he gets up on a table.

This Guy Obviously Never Had a Quality Snow Day

ANSONIA, Conn. -- Ansonia police said a prank turned potentially dangerous when a man angry about a snowball hitting his car allegedly pulled a knife on a group of youths and kidnapped one of them. No one was injured. Joshua Good, 25, was scheduled for arraignment Monday in Superior Court on charges including first-degree kidnapping, threatening and reckless endangerment. The kidnapping charge carries 10 to 25 years in prison. Police said a group of youths was throwing snowballs near Colony Park Friday night when Good's car was hit. Police said Good threatened the youths with a knife and forced a 13-year-old boy into his car. Authorities said Good drove the boy home and didn't hurt him.

Relax, Jack Bauer. Maybe I'm biased because I used to be a sniper in the snowball hitting cars game but this seems a little extreme. First off, these kids played it all wrong. You gotta build a bunker or some sort of fox hole and by no means do you ever leave it, even under heavy enemy fire. That's just acorn wars 101. So, yeah this guy was in the wrong by pulling a knife and kidnapping the kid but it should have never got to that point. It's not like there is a lack of snow out there. You keep firing at the target until you're out of ammunition and when all else fails, retreat. Don't stand in front of the dude with a knife as he threatens to force you into his car. That's how you become a prisoner of war, boys and girls.

Absurd R. Kelly Jam Of The Day

Round of applause for channeling 1980's MJ on that beat. What girl doesn't like to told they'll never be your #1? Believe it or not, This is currently Tiger's ring tone.

God Is Alive and Living in London!

LONDON -- The U.S. soccer team got good news Tuesday when Fulham said Clint Dempsey's injured right knee won't need surgery. The 26-year-old attacker from Nacogdoches, Texas, was injured during Sunday's English Premier League game at Blackburn, and Fulham manager Roy Hodgson had feared Dempsey had torn his posterior cruciate ligament. "Early indications are positive in that no operation is required," the Cottagers said in a statement Tuesday after Dempsey had an MRI. "At this stage it is thought that the injury will not prevent him from featuring for Fulham prior to the end of the season." The U.S. team is already dealing with major injuries to defender Oguchi Onyewu, who is recovering from knee surgery, and forward Charlie Davies, who broke two bones in his right leg and had a lacerated bladder in a car crash. "The news about Clint's injury is positive, especially given the fact that he will not require surgery," U.S. coach Bob Bradley said. "We are confident that Clint will be ready to be an important part of our team during the World Cup."

That big gust of wind you just felt was me exhaling. And that wetness was ESPN ejaculating when they heard I was coming back as a viewer.

Calhoun To Take a Timeout

HARTFORD, Conn. -- Connecticut men's basketball coach Jim Calhoun is taking a leave of absence, effective immediately, due to undisclosed medical issues, the university announced Tuesday afternoon. "It is my recommendation that coach Calhoun take a medical leave from his coaching position to address some temporary medical issues, none of which involve any previous medical conditions that he has dealt with," said his physician, Dr. Peter Schulman of the University of Connecticut Health Center. "Our primary concern is coach Calhoun's health and his complete recovery. We will do everything possible to support coach during this time. Jim and I both know that the men's basketball program is in very capable hands under the leadership of associate head coach George Blaney," UConn athletics director Jeff Hathaway said.

Hmmmm. UConn on a 3 game losing streak. UConn falling out of the top 25 for the first time since 2008. And unless they beat Texas then they're out of conference wins add up to a pile of shit. That will make any man sick, especially Calhoun. Have you even seen that guy lately? I'm not a doctor but he sums up the description of a sick, old man. In other words, Jimmy beat the cancer a few times and he might have lost a couple rounds on the score card. I hate to say it but when it's all said and done and we talk about Calhoun's legacy I think people will all say about the same thing. Tough competitor, great coach, weak stomach.

Today Is The Day We Analyze The Greatness of R. Kelly

He's the guy who can bring you something to warm your heart like I Believe I Can Fly. Then he can turn the other way and talk about Feelin' On Yo Booty. Sure, we can Step In The Name Of Love but then we gotta listen to Sex Planet while smoking Sex Weed. And how did we forget about Same Girl? It's about two friends who are fucking the same girl and they find this all out over the telephone. Hilarious. ANYWAY. Remember Side Boob of the day? That was a big hit but we ran out of titties. So I had another idea. Post a daily R. Kelly jam to make the ladies swoon.

I'm leaving earth girl, to explore your galaxy. Yup. Listen more and that song gets filthy. There are mentions of milky ways and black holes.





I think the whole point of this is to realize that everybody has the same reaction after listening to a R.Kelly song and it goes something like this. WHAT?!?!?!?!

Sean Avery Is On a Hot Streak

You don't walk away from the table when you're on a heater. They talked about Avery being off his game for 2 weeks and for the past 10 days this guy has been on fire. Is he scoring? Not really. Just bringing the motherfucking noise. Night in and night out. That's what it takes to be great these days.

Tiger Woods Losing The War On Sex

Tiger Woods is receiving treatment at a sex rehabilitation clinic in Mississippi, Benoit Denizet-Lewis, author of a book titled "America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life" and himself a recovering sex addict, wrote on his personal blog Monday, citing an unnamed source. Denizet-Lewis says he spent some time at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg a few years ago while writing his book and that is where he says Woods is receiving treatment. Last week, Radar Online and Jackson, Miss., television stations WJTV and WLBT reported through sources that Woods was at the Hattiesburg clinic. Officials at the clinic have not confirmed that Woods is there, and ESPN independently has not been able to confirm that Woods is at the clinic.

I'm a firm believer in that rehab is for quitters. Does Tiger really have an addiction? I'm not so sure of that. Last I checked being awesome wasn't a crime and not a valid reason for going to rehab. I mean if you're gonna check yourself into rehab at least make some money off of it and hook up with Dr. Drew. With that you know exactly what you're getting yourself into. 7 other d-list celebrities, all of whom had somebody touch them in their childhood or some other traumatic experience that forced them to where they are now. Then some dude with a drug addict girlfriend will threaten to leave 5 times before being kicked out for being consistently rude to one of the nurses or breaking the property. And in 6 months they'll all be arrested or back in rehab again.

16 and Pregnant. More like 18 and Abused

One of the young mothers from the MTV reality show "Teen Mom" was allegedly choked and then hit by her 54-year-old mom this weekend -- and mom is now facing domestic violence charges. The Council Bluffs Police Department in Iowa tells TMZ Debra Danielson -- the mother of 18-year-old "Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham -- was arrested at around 1 PM on Saturday for suspicion of domestic abuse/serious assault. According to cops, Farrah and Debra started arguing over childcare issues when Debra allegedly threw an MTV shirt at her daughter ... which landed "on or near" Farrah's baby, who started crying. That's when Farrah claims she went off on her mother -- who then grabbed Farrah by the throat. Farrah told cops she pushed her mother's hand away from her throat, causing her mother to strike her on the right side of her head and mouth. In the report, officers say they observed multiple cuts on the right side of Farrah's lips.

Yes, yes, a million times yes. Not that any female deserves to get beat up or anything but if there were 3 girls who do, they all appear on Teen Mom. With the exception of Maci, these girls need a reality check and Farrah just got one. Hey bitch, stop trying to go out every night and fuck some black dude. That's how you got knocked up in the first place. And if a strike to the jaw from momma is what it takes for her to realize this then so be it.



P.S. I guess this spoils the whole next episode where Farrah is threatening to move out.

Things To Think About While Questioning Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Next Career Move

I don't need to write a whole post about Jack Bauer. I've done that before and it just leads me into a heated discussion with somebody as they yell "but he's not real rza!" Ummm, Ok? and next you're gonna tell me that CTU is fake and most of The Hills is scripted? The point is I feel like shit, I just watched 2 hours of 24 and I took 4 more Mucinex pills than advised so it lead me to this post right here. At this point scroll back up and read the title. I don't know any other way to lead into this next part.

1. Freddie Prinz is the new season of 24. He went from being the ace of the pitching staff from Chatham in Summer Catch to an agent in CTU. Who are his agents? I guess it's a better move than doing another movie where he wants a girl for 75 minutes and the next 10 he tells her how he feels and then they're married or some shit.

2. The NBA plays like 12 afternoon games on MLK day. I think on presidents day I'm gonna get all my friends together and play golf, hockey and maybe some tennis. Possibly close the day out shopping at stores like J.Crew and Gap. I don't know if we'll have enough time, though. I guess we can really just stick it to them by hanging out with something they don't have. Our fathers.

3. I was thinking the other day that you can take any regular conversation you have with a friend and if replace him with an eldery person it becomes instantly hilarious. For example, "Smitty, bro, you're too drunk to drive!" Not funny. "Grandpa, you're too drunk to drive!" A little different feeling to that one.

4. LT to the Pats next year. Book it.

5. Did anybody see 60 Minutes last night where they tried to make a compelling story on why so many Samoans are more likely to play in the NFL than American boys? Uh, I don't know. Maybe because Samoans are fucking huge.

6. Springsteen should get the Superbowl halftime show gig every year until he can't walk anymore. I don't like The Who. It just opens up to many people to make lame jokes when they ask who's performing. Like this: "Hey who's the halftime show this year?" "The Who." "Who?" "The Who" "Oh, so you don't know who's playing."

7. I'd be a fan of Mark Sanchez if he didn't play for the Jets. He was this cool stud when he was at USC but once he became a new yorker I saw him as a cocky queer.

8. Tony Romo throws an interception yesterday and he's in over his head and a wreckless passer. Favre does it and he's just having some fun.

9. How the fuck does George Lopez have a job and Conan doesn't?

10. I'd like to gather Joe Buck, Tim Mccarver, Dan Dierdorf, Dan Donahue, Bradshaw, Tom Jackson, Brian Kelly and Reece Davis in a room and say 3 words. You're motherfucking fired.