Alex Morgan Has a Boyfriend

[Insert dirty joke about that picture here]. The United States Women's Soccer team lost a heartbreaker in the World Cup Final to Japan in a penalty shoot-out but it wasn't as big as the heartbreak I felt after learning that Alex Morgan has a boyfriend. Yes, that Alex Morgan. The one who scored in the 69th minute (classic!) to put the United States up 1-0. Alex is dating Seattle Sounders FC forward Servando Carrasco, who she met in college where they both played soccer at University of California, Berkeley, alma mater of Sanford and Kirsten Cohen.

Worst.News.Ever. But before we get into the specifics of that relationship here's the awesome goal that she scored that I thought would win it until the USA choked harder than Terry Schiavo on a piece of steak.

Yes, that goal was awesome but we're missing the point. Alex Morgan is dating some doucher.

Sounders - Servando Carrasco's girlfriend Alex Morgan is playing in the World Cup in Germany, but her story is not much different than the rookie Sounders FC midfielder.

They are separated by thousands of miles on the map, but often it’s like Sounders FC midfielder Servando Carrasco and Western New York Flash forward Alex Morgan are living the same life.

They both have similar schedules as professional soccer players - Carrasco in Major League Soccer and Morgan in Women’s Professional Soccer. They both learn from players on a daily basis who have plenty to teach about their respective positions - Osvaldo Alonso for Carrasco while Morgan learns from Marta with her club and Abby Wambach with her country.

The college sweethearts from Cal have used their similar experiences to strengthen their relationship, even when they are the full width of the country apart.

“We spent almost four years in college together and we knew this was coming. We were prepared for it,” said Morgan. “We are both trying to live our dreams as professional athletes. We know each other’s schedules and we respect that.”

Carrasco added, “I think that’s one of the reasons why our transition from college to pro soccer has been easy for our relationship. We’re in the same lifestyle and we’re able to talk every now and then, so it’s good.”

The similarities don’t end there though.

Both are very outgoing and driven. Most of all they are both highly competitive.

“We can’t play Monopoly or any other board games because she hates to lose,” he said with a smile. “We stay away from things like that. It’s better for our relationship and for our future.”

There is no way this relationship is going to last. First, they are living thousands of miles apart. Second, two extremely competitive athletes dating never works out. Third, he plays in the MLS and she's on the verge of becoming a superstar. That's like if Leonardo DiCaprio dated a homeless person while filming Titanic. With that expert analysis out of the way, I think this sums it up for the rest of us: