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Fresh off the news that she made a lesbian sex tape with former playmate Karissa Shannon, Heidi Montag is vacationing in Costa Rica. She's been yapping about wanting to get her Gs taken down to a D or double D because they are preventing her from living a "normal" life. I hate to break it to her but her life before the enormous funbags was anything but normal. She also complained that she can't hug her dogs, wear normal clothes or exercise. One question - how the hell does she look like that if she can't exercise?!? I think the only reasonable answer is that she's either anorexic or bulimic. I just solved that mystery AND created another top notch story for the Enquirer to run with. Boom! Call me Sherlock Hilton (or Perez Holmes if you like that better).
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Brian Duensing continued his hellish streak with an 8 inning 1 ER, 7 K game. While he was able to strikeout 7 of the peasant Royals, his K rate has been around 5 per 9 inning for the past three years in the minors and majors. You know how many great pitchers get by with that type of K-rate? None. Though sometimes a pitcher can sell their soul for a year (see Scott Feldman 2009). Doesn’t mean you can’t throw some caution to the wind. When I was going over the borderline starter post that is coming later today, I noticed Duensing still isn’t owned anywhere. He has a 2.02 ERA in 107 2/3 IP. Seriously, you can look it up if you want… Though that might hurt the trust we’ve built over the summer. We used to be so carefree, me and you. Frolicking through dandelions, playing catch with that raccoon carcass. What about those times we had? Duensing gets the White Sox and the Indians in his next two starts. I would grab him but, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s been lucky and he Ks no one, so know the risk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Phil Hughes – Will have his next start skipped as the Yankees try to figure out the best way to limit Hughes’ innings while ensuring he gets no sorta rhythm going. In redraft leagues, you’re looking at three more starts from a guy who has been getting bombed recently. There’s gotta be better arms out there.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Speaking of better arms out there, I’d go with Nova ova Hughes.
Jimmy Rollins – Left the game when he suffered a bout of Middle Infieluenza. I’d say Rollins has really gone downhill fast, but to me going downhill fast kinda infers you’re picking up speed. Rollins is going uphill slow, and it ain’t pretty.
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with another steal. How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up for your team?
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Tulo legit 2 quit.
Aaron Cook – Done for the season with a broken fibula. No lie.
Cory Luebke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. In the grand scheme of things, Luebke looks like a fifth fantasy starter. In the last few weeks of the season, he looks like LeBlanc when pitching at home, which is an around-3 ERA, decent K starter. A hodgepadre.
Mike Napoli – Hit his 23rd homer then was pulled from the game for making Scioscia look bad for not playing him every game.
Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Now has a 1.91 ERA on the Diamondbacks. Yes, you should’ve picked him up a month ago. No, I’m not sure what you’re doing.
Marco Scutaro – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, which he hit with a partially torn rotator cuff. Impressive since I wouldn’t leave my house with a partially torn Z. Cavaricci pants cuff.
Matt Garza – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Him and his stupid smugshot! Don’t fart in my face and say it’s cologne!
Russell Branyan – Hit his 4th homer in the last week. In September, he has 4 homers and 8 hits. In August, he had 7 homers, 17 hits and 12 RBIs. He’s a One True Outcome player, so I wouldn’t expect much more than homers, but he is providing those.
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the slam & legs, which always goes well with cereal.
Jaime Garcia – 4 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. The time to have a start like this was the week prior to the H2H playoffs, you stunod!
Brett Myers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. His ERA this year is… Wait for it… Here it comes… As soon as I put away my laundry… Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah, Myers’ ERA… Okay, let me just check on my turkey casserole then I’ll tell you. Mmm… Looks good. All right, ready? His ERA is freakin’ 2.91!
Matt Wieters – Hit his 11th homer yesterday and is batting .438 over the last week. Since people in fantasy are so fickle, Wieters should be undervalued next year because of his sub-par 2010, which means I might just own him.
Koji Uehara – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Was only his first blown save so I think he’ll remain the closer, then again I didn’t think he should be the closer to begin with, so take what I know, wrap it in a Moo Shu Pancake and you’ll be confused again in an hour.
Josh Johnson – Had an MRI to see what’s his major malfunction. They found right shoulder inflammation. His next start was already scratched and now it’s sounding like they might shut him down for the year. Moving from Johnson to Dickey…
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K and his tenth win. He was in last week’s borderline starters post and will be in next week’s too because people refuse to add him.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. In 188 IP, he has 188 Ks, a 1.16 WHIP, 3.06 ERA and only 10 wins, or one more win than Tyler Clippard. Yeah, screw you, God of Wins and the horse of Quality Starts you rode in on.
Josh Fields – 4 for his last 8 as he hit third yesterday. I like him, but right now it looks like he’s 0nly starting vs. lefties.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3 with his 1st major league homer. Don’t think he has enough value in redraft leagues outside of a deep, two catcher league, but, if you can stash him in a dynasty league for a buck for next year, I wouldn’t be surprised if he sees more time than Pudge next year. It’s at least worth the flier to see how playing time shakes out next March.
Derek Holland – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Blue Kays. If you know your matchups, you’ll know what hand Holland throws with. Hint: The Kays are hitting .218 vs. lefties this year.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs. He has 8 homers and 11 steals on the year. Somewhere, Crapolanco says, “Hey, that’s my season!” I’ll like Kinsler next year when he’s drafted in the 6th round or so.
Justin Morneau – Could be out until the very end of the month with his concussion. Incredible. How do people miss so much time with a concussion? Don’t they have smelling salts in Minnesota? Did something go terribly wrong when they were cloning his mini me? You know, on The Island of Dr. Morneau.
Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start yesterday due to back soreness. I wouldn’t say Hanley’s the ideal guy to demonstrate work ethic but so many players get lazy in September. Was talking with Rudy about how we need a glossary term for all of these players who are fine all year then give you nothing in September. I present to you… Septumblers.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 with 2 walks. His OBP is up to .431. And he played yesterday with a black eye. Too bad he doesn’t play for the Red Sox because Logan was a black eye for that city.
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