Some people ask me why I can't watch baseball

Joe Mauer(notes) is from Minnesota. He is white. He plays Major League Baseball. He is considered something of a pretty boy. None of these four things outlaws him from practicing his secret hobby. All of them combined into one 6-foot-5, sideburn-wearing, .400-flirting catcher, however, makes for the unlikeliest rapper in the history of rap. “We know he loves it,” Minnesota Twins closer Joe Nathan(notes) says. “He does it in a studio in his house,” Twins outfielder Michael Cuddyer(notes) says. “I’ve heard stories,” outfielder Denard Span(notes) says. “I’ve heard he buries himself in the studio. But never heard the finished product with my own ears. Looking at him right now, I’m guessing it’s a cross between Vanilla Ice and Cypress Hill.” Now, some of this may be apocryphal. A few whispers here and an exaggeration or two there transform a microphone and computer program into a full-blown studio. Mauer isn’t likely to be passing out demos from the trunk of his car or barging into Hot 97 on the Twins’ yearly trip to New York demanding they play his latest cut. Mauer, in fact, scoffs at the notion of a second career, just in case, you know, this baseball thing doesn’t work out. “No,” he says. “Definitely not. I’m definitely not good at that.”

Come on, Joe. Why do you have to go and be a tool like that. I thought you were this phenominal baseball player who could hit .400 and play great defense as a catcher, but then I find out you are a wanna-be black guy. That shit is whack. I mean, some white guys can rap. I remember when Bobby Pirotta spit some nice rhymes in the LSM auditorium, but not everyone has it in them. And if you yourself say that you suck, why even bother? I mean pretty soon you are going to want to rap the national anthem in the Metrodome. That's where I draw the fucking line. I hate listening to awful vocalists make a mockery of the national anthem, so you are out. If anyone could pull it off, it would be this guy named Kanye from Chicago. Did you realize that you were just a white guy in disguise? (sing that to the first line of Champion and you have Joe Mauer's first single) Play baseball. Don't try to be Eminem.