Relax, Jordon Brault

DANVILLE, Va. -- A Virginia man on a police ride-along was found guilty of animal cruelty after he jumped out of the police car and stomped an opossum to death.The Danville Register & Bee reported Tuesday that 23-year-old Evan Bryce Schuler saw the opossum run along a fence. A police officer testified that Schuler ran up to the fence, grabbed the links and "started stomping." Schuler's lawyer, James Priest, said Schuler grew up on a farm where opossums killed his chickens and acted on instinct. Priest appealed the district court's ruling and the case will move to circuit court.

HILARIOUS. I want this police report fucking framed and put on the wall of the busiest diner in Danville, Va. You might wanna file this under a little more than animal cruelty if the guy ran up the fence, grabbeb the links and started romping. Now that would be comedy. But let's be real for a second. James Priest must be the Johnny Cochran of Virginia. It takes years of experience and court room practice to come up with the defense that he killed the possum because he grew up on a farm that was victim to chicken murders by the possums. I won't be shocked if he calls upon cases that involved soldiers with PTSD to set a precedent. Maybe even throw out that possums have no right being outside in the day time so this case shouldn't even go to trial based on that. Just really nice lawyer skills. That is all.