Tedy Bruschi Says See-Ya

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. -- Tedy Bruschi retired Monday after a 13-year NFL career in which he won three Super Bowl titles with the New England Patriots and made a gallant return from a stroke. The inside linebacker played for no other team and leaves football with only one unachieved goal -- a fourth championship."I'm 36 years old," Bruschi said at a news conference. "Your body doesn't heal as quickly."He came back from a mild stroke in February 2005 to play eight months later. "I was retired," he said. "I didn't think it was possible" to play again. Bruschi's performance declined last year and he was playing with the second unit on defense this summer. He missed much of training camp with an undisclosed injury but played in two of the team's last three exhibition games. Coach Bill Belichick, usually stoic, choked up as he discussed Bruschi. "How do I feel about Tedy Bruschi?" Belichick said. "He's a perfect player."

The greatest Patriot ever. I have nothing else to say on that matter.

First Day Tomorrow and J-Breezy Means Business

Jordon Brault: UGH I am so not ready for school. I got my outfit all set. Its very BLUE and I love it haha. So I am trying to figure out what I need to bring with me tomorrow. I got my paper, pencil, summer books :( , o almost forgot camera and a can of kick ass hahaha

Talk about bringing the fire right out of the bullpen, eh? Homie aint fuckin around tomorrow. Could you be anymore prepared? He's got his papers, favorite pastels and all those fine summer reads. He's even dressing for the occasion in his prisoner baby blues. Let's just say I wont be shocked when they pull my man out in cuffs and his mug is all over the 5 PM news.

Biel, Beyonce, Megan Fox, Jolie wreck computers

Interesting story about some of the world being bad for your computer. Check it out here.

This Is For Anyone Who Hates On The Blog

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL YOU 13 AND 14 AND 15 YEAR OLD LITTLE KIDS WHO TELL ME I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND FUCKIN TELLIN ME I'M A FUCKIN IDIOT ON MY FUCKIN BLOG. FUCK YOU! YOU COMMENT ON MY BLOG, GREAT! YOU'RE READING MY BLOG, GREAT! I LOVE IT! BUT DO YOU THINK I'M A FUCKIN ASSHOLE? YOU THINK I LIKE TO SEE FUCKIN COMMENTS ON MY BLOG THAT I'M FUCKIN FAT? I KNOW I'M FUCKIN FAT. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP COMMENTING ON MY BLOG THAT TELLING ME THAT I'M A FAT ASS AND I'M AN IDIOT. YOU GET ME ALL WORKED UP, I'M PISSED OFF ALL DAY. I'M READING MY COMMENTS. FAT, GAY, IDIOT, DUMB ASS. WHAT THE FUCK!? I'M PISSED! Vera, where's the asperin? VERA! HURRY! I LOVE YOU!

Brandon Marshall Is So Silly

The Denver Broncos have suspended Brandon Marshall for the rest of the preseason for insubordination. Coach Josh McDaniels met with Marshall Friday morning and informed him he was being suspended for conduct detrimental to the team after exhibiting open acts of insubordination Wednesday on the practice field. McDaniels informed the team in a full-squad meeting of the decision Friday, at the end of a meeting in which they discussed the upcoming game against Bears. Marshall said during an ESPN interview Thursday night that he was not trying to force a trade through insubordination, but that frustration got the best of him during a disruptive display at practice this week. In the video aired by KMGH-TV from Wednesday's portion of practice that was open to the media, Marshall was shown walking when the rest of the team was running during warmups, insolently punting the ball away instead of handing it to a ball boy and swatting away a pass that was thrown to him. Marshall said some of the video, which included a shot of him sitting on his pads before practice, was taken out of context. But he acknowledged his frustration boiled over and that it was an error in judgment to act as he did, especially when he punted the ball.

Who the fuck is Brandon Marshall? I know who he is but what has he done to be acting like he's the next TO? There must be something in the water over there in Denver because every story out of that city has to do with a player acting like they're on their period. I guess I don't really understand Marshall's problem. Is it a contract issue, wants to be traded or is he just trying to get the shit kicked out of him? Because if I know one thing it's that you don't fuck with us boys from New England. You wanna try to put us in a corner, we're coming out swinging every fucking time. Those type of shenanigans just don't work, Brandon. It's like when a chick wants to break up with a guy but doesn't want to be the one to do it so she goes around whoring herself out and running her mouth off like the silly bitch that she is. In the long run, the only one hurt is her because no one wants to fuck a used and abused female with a foul mouth. Like Lindsey Lohan. Or Stef Schur. YEAH I WENT THERE.

MJ Liked MJ.

A search warrant affidavit just released from the search of Michael Jackson's home says the Jackson family notified L.A. County Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter that they found "tar heroin in a bag" in Jackson's bedroom. Chief Winter notified LAPD detectives of the found evidence. The search also turned up two baggies of "marijuana." Cops also found Benoquin in the master bathroom. Benoquin is a bleaching cream. The affidavit also says surveillance cameras at Jackson's home captured Dr. Conrad Murray arriving at 1:00 AM the day Jackson died. As for what else was found during the search -- an empty bottle of Lorazepam, an empty bottle of Diazepam, a baggy with the medical label with the name Dr. Conrad Murray, 2 cigarette packs, 1 cigarette paper, 4 pill bottles and 1 shaving case. Detective Orlando Martinez wrote, "Conversations with family members lead me to believe that there may be additional medications and/or narcotics at the location as well as the necessity to confiscate these items for the safety of the minor children."

Michael Jackson was addicted to pain killers and touched boys. Blah, blah, blah. We know all this. It should come as no surprise to anybody. But the king of pop liked to smoke a little weed? Uhhhhh nice. I mean would I go on a fishing trip with the man? Yeah, If I wanted my balls touched. But would I get a little high and listen to music with him for hours? Absolutely. I can already picture Sellberg taking a hit and exhaling with a subtle, "yee-hee."

Wait. What's That? DAVID ORTIZ JUST HIT A GAME WINNING HOMER?

True love does still exist......

Mr. Belding Would Like To Make An Extra Dollar

Remember that very special episode of "Saved By The Bell" where everybody at The Max is stunned as Mr. Belding flexes his golden pipes during karaoke night?No? That's probably because that episode never happened, although you can't help but wonder how karaoke at the hangout frequented by the Bayside High crowd would have gone over.With the Sept. 1 release of the CD/DVD package "Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. 'Mr. Belding,'" fans of the '90s TV show won't have to wonder any longer."Saved By The Bell" fans might have lost track of Haskins, now 58, best known for playing the principal of the fictional Bayside in Palisades, Calif., over the years, but the actor says his new project is a labor of love."I love to sing and have been doing karaoke for the past six years," Haskins said. "Karaoke is about having fun and I hope everyone will have fun singing along with me or on their own with our karaoke CD/DVD."

At first I didn't know if this story was for real because I found it on WFSB and everyone knows about the shenanigans that go down over there in that studio. Dennis House is one silly bitch. But enough of that talk because this story is absolutely amazing. I've been waiting for a reason to post the video of him and Brooke Hogan singing "Mustang Sally" together. Are there any two people in the world who have the least amount of talent yet are so easily recognized? I just hope this new CD will get the old principal back on track. It's like when a power pitcher comes out throwing nothing but sliders and a change-up. Only time will tell how this one plays out.

Jay Cutler Don't Want No Drama

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. -- Now that they've been separated for five months, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has high praise for Denver Broncos rookie coach Josh McDaniels, whom he'll see in a preseason game at Invesco Field this weekend. Cutler says in the brief time he spent with McDaniels he could tell Bill Belichick's latest disciple was an offensive mastermind. Cutler said the Broncos are in good hands with McDaniels and quarterback Kyle Orton. "He's going to be a good coach," Cutler told Denver reporters in a conference call Wednesday. "I think their offense is going to be fine. I think Kyle's going to be fine. [McDaniels] is an offensive mind. "Just the brief amount of time I was able to spend with him, he's impressive. He knows a lot about offenses, he knows a lot about getting guys open and scoring points, as everyone's seen when he was in New England, so I think they're going to be fine." The Broncos traded Cutler to Chicago for Orton and three draft picks in April after Cutler's rift with McDaniels became irreparable. The genesis of their disagreement came when Cutler learned McDaniels had talked to the Patriots about acquiring quarterback Matt Cassel in a three-way trade that would have sent him to Tampa Bay. Cassel was dealt to Kansas City instead, but in subsequent conversations, Cutler couldn't get assurances from the 33-year-old rookie coach that his name wouldn't come up again in trade talks. So he asked out. Cutler said he doesn't want to rehash the details of their ugly divorce, but feels both sides are happier now that they're apart. "I think both sides would change certain things and go about it a different way, but I think both sides are happy now and we're moving on," Cutler said of the way his stint in Denver came to an acrimonious end.

What a fucking pussy. Seriously, bro. Now I know why your parents used to put tampons in your stocking. You get a shot to absolutely bitch slap the guy who wanted to trade you and instead you act like it's old news and you're over it? I mean I thought Cutler was already a massive vagina before he didn't stand up for himself today. Like what did he do that Matt Cassel didn't? I don't see a ring a finger of either of those guys and I don't blame Mcdaniels for wanting to go with a player he was familiar with. With that being said, if my name is Jay Cutler then I'm still a little heated and I hold nothing back when I'm asked about Josh McDaniels. It's like this. Some reporter asks me about my first game back in Denver as a bear, I simply reply with this, "Yeah, well, gonna be a lot of emotions and shit but it's all gravy baby. Me and my squad are gonna march up in there and after my first of many touchdown passes I think I'll run over to Mcdaniels, rip his head off and skull fuck him. Maybe rub my nuts all over the jumbo tron 'cause I know all the fans still wanna get with this. Or something of that variety. Enjoy the game, fellas."

You Know I Could Use Somebody

I guess I'm just lost in my own world. You don't have to look any further than the last two posts to realize that. We allowed 20 runs. Then we allowed 1 and scored 14. Then our ace goes up and looks he had his arm caught in the shitter all night and the offense is no where to be found once again. But wait, the offense is back up again last night? Like what the fuck? My heart can't take this anymore. One day she wants to be with you forever and the next she says it's like we're on two different wavelengths. But then you make like MJ and ask yourself if you remember the time you fell in love and you just keep coming back. Because the Sox are there for you every night. Either at 1, 4,7, or 10. You don't wanna talk to anyone except to the bottom of your beer bottle, they're there playing for you. I don't know. Fuck everything. And anything?

It's Starting To Feel A Lot Like 2004.

14 to 1? Yiiikes. You can only beat a man down so many times until he wakes the fuck up and remembers exactly what he is. A champion. The only thing I'm worried about I guess is that AJ Burnett just seems so unstoppable at Fenway. Oh. Wait. That's not the case. Bahahahahahaha.

Sox Lose 20-11

Sometimes I feel like I've been tied to the whipping post....

Twin Bangs His Bro's Girl. Whoops.

MILFORD, Conn. -- A man is accused of pretending to be his twin brother in order to engage in a sexual encounter with a woman. Jared Rohrig, of Milford, was arrested Friday in connection with the sexual assault.Police said they were contacted by staff members of Milford Hospital that an unidentified woman went to the emergency room and said she was sexually assaulted on July 19. The woman requested to remain anonymous at that time.The woman revealed her identity to police on July 22 and filed a complaint in connection with the sexual assault.

Is it just me or is every set of twins a little fucked up? Like there seems to be a screw loose in every pair I ever played soccer with. Yeah Olson twins I'm talking to you. With that being said, can you really blame the guy for playing chess while his brother was playing checkers? Obviously things went a little overboard with the sexual assault allegation but I doubt he planned to beat the bitch up with his dick. Jared just wanted a little slap and tickle. Not his fault this dumb whore couldn't tell the difference between him and his brother. I want to laugh at this story because I feel like it's in every movie but rape aint a joke, fellas. Unless she was asking for it. Ya know, putting it all out there just to snatch it away when you're about to sign the contract. Which is highly likely in all rape cases.

The Saga Of Vince Young.

NASHVILLE -- There has been a lot of speculation that, despite what the Titans depth chart says, that Vince Young actually came to training camp considered Tennessee's No. 3 quarterback. If Young's performance Saturday night doesn't bring a halt to that, the words of Titans owner Bud Adams almost certainly will. "This guy has a has a tremendous future in football," Adams said after Young went 9-for-14 for 131 yards and a touchdown in a 27-20 preseason victory against Tampa Bay. "He's under contract. He's not going anywhere. He's our quarterback of the future," Adams said when asked whether there was any chance Young wouldn't remain with the team. Young and Adams are both from Houston, and there never has been any question that making Young the No. 3 overall pick in the 2006 draft was the owner's call. The game was Young's first playing at LP Field since his career tailspinned in last year's regular-season opener. After getting booed by Tennessee fans following an interception, Young resisted returning to the field. He was hurt later in the game, lost his starting job to Kerry Collins and played in only two more contests.In training camp, the Titans also have been giving eight-year NFL vet Patrick Ramsey a good look. "He was having problems in 2008," Adams said of Young. "He got his mind off football . . . Tonight, I was really proud of him."

I guess I got a thing for fallen stars. Chalk it up to making Redemption Song my favorite joint back in the 6th grade. I really do hope Vince Young can get it together and I actually think he'll be starting by the end of the season. I think it's safe to say that Kerry Collins is as reliable as a Drew Bledsoe type. He can still chuck it but he's as immobile the chick you knocked up prom night and she just found out you inherited terrible ted lindsay's money. But back to Young. This isn't some dyanmic college kid that everyone is just waiting to bloom at the right time like Jamarcus Russel. Everyone knows he can play. He came in and went 8-5 as a rookie and then led a pretty shitty team to the playoffs in his second year. And last year he lost his job and went on suicide watch but like a bad hookup, I'm willing to forget it if you are. All I'm saying is I'm not going to be shocked when he gets his starting job back after Kerry Collins is put on the injured list with a bad case of hemroids.

Classy!

Uhhh I think everyone saw this coming. Hayden puts on a pair of spectacles and chops up the hair and everyone from Regina George to Jordon Brault thinks it's the new key to my cold, stale heart.

I'm Not Witty Enough Today For a Title

LANCASTER, Pa. -- Police said a 72-year-old pizza shop employee foiled a shotgun-point robbery by throwing a can of beer at the perpetrators.Lancaster Umstead said the man threw a 12-ounce can of beer at the robber and both assailants fled the store. police Lt. Todd Umstead said two men with bandannas over their faces attempted to rob Six Packs on Vine at closing time Wednesday. One of the men pointed a shotgun at the employee, who was stocking a cooler. Police said the employee could not tell if the beer struck either of the men but it was enough to chase them off.

Ummmm? What kind of fucking robbers are in Lancaster, Pa? First off, why rob a pizza shop? If I'm trying to find a jackpot a wealth, the corner bistro isn't going to be my destination. But here's my favorite part. You're holding a shotgun and an old man hits you with a beer and you flee the scene like it's the goddamn holocaust? All I'm saying is if I'm a big shot thief like I claim to be by toting a shotgun around, I'm not making the mad dash. I'm catching the beer, cracking it open, pour it over my face like Stone Cold Steve Austin, yell out 'prepare to meet your maker' or something corny and blowing that old fuck into oblivion. Then snagging my slice of pizza and the quarters from the tip jar.

me and some guys from school had a blog and we tried real hard
Sells quit, Bayne got fired
should've known we'd never get far

This Has Been The Worst Week Ever.

Ali said even the greatest gotta suffer sometime. It's Thursday and this might have been one of the worst weeks in the history of worst weeks. First Brett Favre comes back to football and now Hayden is wearing glasses, looks 30 and has what appears to be a double chin. Oh, and she also has a new boyfriend who looks strikingly similar to Andy from The Office. Or the gay dentist from the Hangover. Or Ed Helms. Guys like me can't win these days. I just feel like a one armed man, punching at nothing but the breeze. Thanks Hayden, for making me like less of a man I was 24 hours ago. I guess I'll never be good enough. Ever.

P.S. Who the fuck wears a sweater on the beach? It's cali baby. Let those puppies breath.

I Woke Up And This Was All I Could Think About

What is that thing?

BERLIN -- South Africa's track and field federation has been asked to conduct a gender test on an 800-meter runner amid concerns she does not meet the requirements to compete as a woman. Caster Semenya, 18, won the 800 meters at the world championships with a stunningly dominating run. The world track and field federation requested the gender test about three weeks ago, after Semenya burst onto the scene by improving her personal bests in the 800 and 1,500 by huge margins.IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said the "extremely complex, difficult" test has been started but that the results were not expected for weeks.

So she improved her personal bests by large margins, eh? I wonder if those margins were bigger than this guy/girl's cock. Sounds to me like she has a salami strapped to her leg if you know what I mean. I just hope she turns out to be a guy, otherwise its just embarassing for this poor girl. People think she looks, runs, acts, and performs sexually like a male. Awkwardddddd. Track shorts don't conceal much though, so i want to know where she hides her mandingo. I bet its detachable. Those south africans are crazy people. Ask Mike Cyr.

The Boss Is In Hartford.

When Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band perform in Hartford Wednesday night, it will be the band's fourth visit in the past 22 months and the third time they've opened a tour leg here since October 2007. What keeps them coming back? "I'm not sure what it is about Hartford, but we've had great shows there; the audiences have been great," says E Street guitarist Nils Lofgren. "We love playing for people that want to hear us, and obviously going back to a city this frequently means there's a good demand for it, which we're thrilled about." The last time the band was here, in April, Springsteen did a stump-the-band bit in the middle of the show, resulting in off-the-cuff performances of "Wild Thing" and "Rockin' All Over the World." It's indicative of a looser vibe in the group in recent years. "I've been in the band 25 years, and I have to say, the last two years, Bruce has taken us much more to an improv, seat-of-your-pants presentation, with the personal requirement of wanting the night to still build, to be a catharsis," Lofgren says. "That is a whole new challenge as a bandleader that I don't think he's ever taken on before." Although Lofgren used to want a set list before starting the show so he would know what was coming, that's no longer the case. "The set list became useless last tour," he says. "We did a lot of audibles, or had people out of the audience sending signs up that Bruce would acknowledge, and we got in the habit of playing songs we hadn't played in decades, or sometimes a Bruce song we might have never played as a group together.

when MJ died, everyone was going to balls to walls and calling him the greatest live performer and rightfully so. I just don't understand how people could say no one could even hold a candle to him. Springsteen is clearly one of the greatest, if not the greatest to play live. Sure, he doesn't dance or put on a light display but every note he sings is straight from the heart and he has consistently a clear and vivid connection the audience. And if you don't like Bruce then you don't like America, John Grady.

Wait. That's a Girl? I Feel So Used.

BERLIN -- South Africa's track and field federation had been asked to conduct a gender test on an 800-meter runner amid concerns she does not meet the requirements to compete as a woman. Caster Semenya, 18, is a favorite in Wednesday's 800 final at the world championships. The world track and field federation requested the gender test about three weeks ago, after Semenya burst onto the scene by improving her personal bests in the 800 and 1,500 by huge margins. IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said the "extremely complex, difficult" test has been started but that the results were not expected for weeks. The verification requires a physical medical evaluation, and includes reports from a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, an internal medicine specialist and an expert on gender. "So we're talking about reports that are very long, very time consuming," Davies said. Semenya qualified for Wednesday's final with the best time of 1 minute, 58.64 seconds. She posted the world's top time this year of 1:56.72 three weeks ago at the African junior championships in Bambous, Mauritius. It was not clear what would happen if Semenya were to medal in Wednesday's final and the test results determined she does not meet the requirements to compete. "I can't say that if 'X' happens in the future that we will, for example, retroactively strip results. It's legally very complex," Davies said. "If there's a problem and it turns out that there's been a fraud . . . that someone has changed sex, then obviously it would be much easier to strip results," Davies added. "However, if it's a natural thing and the athlete has always thought she's a woman or been a woman, it's not exactly cheating."

Oh, please. They're going to give this poor he-she a brutal physical but won't investigate the chinese for using 7 year old girls on their olympic gymnastic team? I mean I understand the outrage over this though. We can't have guys wanting to build themselves a vagina and go out and break records just because they feel extra frisky when they throw on a pair of spandex and a wig. Now, I can't really blame this hermaphrodite here. I think you gotta put all the blame on the parents. Because you know when this story broke out, the father looked himself in the mirror and asked exactly where he went wrong. He got the athlete part down but maybe he should have been throwing his son batting practice with baseballs instead of softballs. Maybe he remembered the time his son walked up the stereo to turn off Springsteen and replaced it with George Michael.

Welp. It's Tuesday. The Sox Suck and You Don't Have Anything To Do. Time To Catch Up On The Glory That Is Sean Avery

"Just open up a magazine and see my track record. I don't think I'm that gay."

Well Now My Day Just Got Fucked Up.

A source close to Brett Favre said the quarterback, pending a physical, will sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings for between $10 million to $12 million, according to ESPN senior NFL analyst Chris Mortensen. Vikings coach Brad Childress confirmed in an e-mail to The Associated Press Tuesday morning that Favre was traveling from Mississippi to meet with the team. Asked if the plan was to sign Favre on Tuesday, Childress replied: "In a perfect word.

Chris Mortensen tells Colin Cowherd that Brett Favre is headed to Minnesota today and will sign with the Vikings pending a physical. Favre, a longtime star in Green Bay, came out of retirement last season to play for the Jets. He retired again, only to then entertain the idea of joining the Vikings. Last month, Childress said the quarterback would stay retired. The pronouncement now appears to be premature. According to Mortensen, the Vikings had sent their private plane to Hattiesburg, Miss., and left with Favre on it at 10 a.m. ET. The plane is expected to land in Minneapolis at about noon ET; Favre is expected to take a physical later Tuesday.

I've been sneezing all day. That's how I knew something big was going to happen. And I know you were asking yourselves the same thing that I was. What is Tim Scans going to think of this move? I shit you not, I almost took Favre in the fantasy draft this weekend just to be a smartass because he was on the player list as a Jet. But I guess the old man gets the last laugh once again. I just don't understand how he could sign with Minnesota. I know he wants to play and all but if there was even an ounce of integrity left in the guy then there is no chance in hell he's playing football for the Vikings. It would be like Magic signing with the Celtics to play out his final 2 years. I can't even begin to tell you how much respect I have lost for old Brett over the past year. The way he flip flops like a used and abused vagina just disgusts me. Like does he actually think he's going to win a superbowl in Minnesota? He knows Randy Moss and Cris Carter aren't lining up next to him, right? Jordon Brault has a better shot of taking me out back and teaching me a thing or two about the black jack johnson hustle than #4 does of bringing a title to the Vikings. They say he's just a young soul who can't quit because he loves the game but it's almost laughable how he always returns near the break of the most rigirous points of training camp. What I'm saying is Favre is just one big pussy. He's not man enough to live with the choices he makes. You couldn't pay me to sit down and have a beer with him. You know who you could though? John Elway, Dan Marino, Joe Montana, Kourtney Kardashian, Johnny Unitas, Michael Jackson and obviously, Tom Terrific. By Brettles coming back this season, he just played himself out of the talk of being one of the best ever to throw the pigskin.

Greg Paulus Just Became QB 1

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Former Duke basketball point guard Greg Paulus has won the starting quarterback job for the Syracuse football team after only a week of preseason camp.

First-year head coach Doug Marrone made the announcement Monday night with a statement through the sports information office. Paulus, a former high school All-American in football and basketball at Christian Brothers Academy in Syracuse, returned to his hometown as a graduate student this summer. Because he graduated from Duke in four years and did not redshirt, he received a waiver from the NCAA, allowing him to play football at Syracuse for one season without having to sit out a year.

What a proud day for Syracuse football. You recruited 3 other QB's and the one you choose to be the face of the University is a little pussy from Duke who hasn't thrown a pass in a game since he graduated high school 4 years ago. I get that he was an All-American when he was 18 but give me a fucking break. I used to slice and dice a defense up in 8th grade but you don't see me coming off the bench for the Charlotte Bobcats. I'm just saying this kid better bring it because there is nothing I hate more than Duke basketball players. But hopefully I'll have a change of heart. Maybe he'll stop sucking dick and start getting his dick sucked. I don't know. Just a thought.

Allen Iverson Needs a Job.

After the Heat traded center Mark Blount for veteran swingman Quentin Richardson late Thursday night, the Miami Herald's Mike Wallace wrote: "Considering the slightly higher luxury-tax bill, this could be the unofficial end to any interest the Heat had in acquiring Allen Iverson. There already were concerns about potentially getting everyone enough shots before Richardson came aboard. Iverson, a pure scorer, won't be needed as much."

Can a brotha get a paycheck? I'll say outright that I'm an Allen Iverson lover. Always have been and always will be. You can ask my own mother. Back in 6th grade I would always try to wear my royal blue 76ers jersey to school and she just wasn't having it. Anyway. He might not play the stickiest defense but you won't find another player his size who is willing to give up his body and bang with the bigs down in the paint. I'm not saying he's still a starter on a team but it seems likw teams would be drooling over a seasoned veteran who can come off the bench and provide instant scoring. He's like Stephon Marbury but uhh, actually still talented. Then again, maybe my vision is just tainted because of my deep admiration for the man. Regardless, you hate to see a power pitcher lose his fastball or a prize fighter not able to pack the knockout punch.

I Feel Like a One Legged Man Today.

"It's not like you're in an octagon where you're fighting against Tiger and he's going to bite you, or swing at you with his 9-iron," Yang said through an interpreter. "The worst that I could do was just lose to Tiger. So I really had nothing much at stake." "Tiger's good, but he could always have a bad day," Yang said. "Guess this is one of those days."

I gotta hand it to wang or yang or whatever the fuck his name is. He came out with a game plan and executed it. It was clear from the beginning that Tiger didn't have his putter and little yao saw the opportunity to pounce and make a statement. What I like most about this though is that he clearly admits this was a fluke round for Tiger. Deep down he knows this will never happen. No chance in hell Tiger blows a final round lead again in a major. Never again will Tiger let down an entire country. And don't even try to tell me you weren't just rooting for Tiger yesterday. It was America Vs. Korea and everyone knows it. Sides were chosen in this battle long before these 2 men took off from the tee. I guess I'm just happy Dick Cheney isn't in office anymore because his first move would be blowing North Korea off the face of the earth and use the growing popularity of golf over there as a threat to our national security.

New Special: How Jordon Brault Spent His Summer.

Uhhh did we miss the part where Jordon Brault bought a gold chain and started banging older women? Cute little baby face no more. It's like he just jumped 5 steps ahead of me in the sex ring. I mean she's not a perfect 10 but give me 10 perfectly chilled beers and I would put a ring on her finger and ask her to be the wind in my sails. Or something.




I wish he would give us some form of comment but I guess we'll never know. His lips are sealed!

It's Back! Side Boob Of The Day

Kid Gets Stuck In Mailbox

VIENNA -- Frustrated officials say rescuers have been deployed twice this week to break open large mailboxes after two children locked themselves inside in separate incidents. Firefighters in the westernmost province of Vorarlberg say the latest incident occurred Thursday evening in the village of Schwarzach, where an 8-year-old boy climbed inside a mailbox and couldn't get out. Postal officials weren't able to find the key, so rescuers used welding torches and bolt cutters to open the box and free the child. He was uninjured.

I guess you could say that officials wont be giving this prank a stamp of approval. And I don't think these kids will be pulling anymore slick stunts like this again. Can anything be more terrifying than stuck in a mailbox while people use a welding torch to get you out? It's like in 8th grade when your sex-ed teacher blows up pictures of herpes and puts them on the board to melt the impression into your head or the video that is one giant zoom shot of a vagina while some chick has a baby. Yes, that just happened.

Landon Donovan Has The Swine

CARSON, Calif. -- Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan has tested positive for what is believed to be swine flu, and his teammates are taking precautions. Donovan was to be evaluated by a doctor on Friday and Saturday, the team said. His status for the Galaxy's game against Seattle on Saturday night remains unclear. "It certainly depends on how Landon feels and what the doctors tell me," Galaxy coach Bruce Arena said after practice Friday. "He might be an option, depending on how quickly he can turn it around."Donovan did not practice Friday after playing all 90 minutes for the United States in a 2-1 loss to Mexico in World Cup qualifying Wednesday in Mexico City. SI.com first reported his condition Thursday night. The United States Soccer Federation said Donovan joined the national team on Aug. 9 in Miami, three days before the game. It also said that no other players expressed or showed signs of flulike symptoms while in camp.

I didn't jump on the I hate Mexico bandwagon awhile back when the swine flu broke out. People already knew that about me. Am I a racist? No. But is there an ethnicity that I hold to be the lowest on the totem pole as far as actually influencing our global economy in a positive way? Yes and that would be Mexico. Our friends to the south cause us nothing but headaches and I really didn't want to be that guy but then they went out and got Landon sick. America's one true shining star when it comes to international soccer. Yeah, he may or may not have started showing symptoms before the trip to Mexico but that's hearsay as far as I'm concerned because try and tell me that he got any real benefit by running around in that smog filled air and rubbing elbows with some of the dirtiest players in the world, not to mention those classy fans who chanted "osama" in 2004 (I mean their play is dirty by the way. Psyche.) All I'm saying is that if this was part of the grand scheme to knock us down a few levels they are sadly mistaken. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm still gonna be that over-privileged white kid who lives in his parents house, blogs naked, doesn't pay taxes, hates school, loves beer and so on and so forth. Eat my ass and suck my dick, Mexico.

Sox Win It In 9th

This is where I get to look like a huge asshole. Last week I said that was the point in the season where the Sox are gonna look back and say that was the breaking point. However, I think last night was when we told the world to fuck off. Great teams don't quit in the 9th, down 2 runs. Victor Martinez absolutely earned his stripes last night knocking in the go ahead runs. And to pour salt in the wound, we took a 2-4 score and made it 8-4. I don't even want to think about winning the AL east now. The sole focus should be on the wild card and beating the fuck out of Texas and Tampa for the rest of year. All these guys need to do is give Clay some run support when he pitches and we could have scariest 3 man rotation in the game come playoff time.

Papi Gets Pissed.

"Like I always say, I come in one day, I'll go out another. When I get to be gone, I won't give a flying [expletive] about nobody, period. Nobody going to give a flying [expletive] about me. They've already done anyway. But I see where all the media and player situation here come from. That said, I thought it was different. It ain't, though. All people work about is making money, selling bad news, talking [expletive] about people. Trying to call attention. I don't agree with it." -- David Ortiz

If I could go back and do it all over again, this would be my senior quote without a fucking doubt. With that being said, isn't papi coming off as a little bitch? He says he loved the media until they actually had something bad to report about on him. That's like saying you don't mind mexicans until you get laid off and look across the street to see some little fuck named eduardo manning your weed whacker for $5.50 a hour when you were demanding $10.00. The bottom line is Ortiz is having a terrible year. If there was something positive to report on him then I'm sure they would have done it already but running your mouth off like a 13 year old on her period is no way to go about voicing your bruised ego. The only solution is to shut your mouth, go about your business, grow a set and start hitting the ball. No one is going to throw a bone because you think you deserve special treatment for being a fan favorite for so many years.

Philly Loves Them Some Vick

Quarterback Michael Vick has signed a two-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles, his agent, Joel Segal, confirmed to ESPN.com. Vick arrived in Philadelphia Tuesday morning and remained there Wednesday evening. The Eagles will hold a news conference on Friday morning to announce his signing.

Interesting. I think I know who I just picked first in next weeks fantasy football draft.

Is That a Trick Or a Treat?

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. -- A 6-foot-7-inch, 250-pound man who allegedly appeared nude at people's homes and rang their doorbells is being held on $60,000 bail after pleading not guilty to a series of misdemeanor and felony charges. Peter Allen Steele entered his not guilty pleas Tuesday after being charged with seven counts, including driving under the influence, evading a peace officer, indecent exposure and entering a house without permission. Authorities said the 38-year-old Steele led San Mateo County Sheriff's deputies on a car chase on July 11 that ended with him streaking into a home and then into woods in a rural area near Redwood City. Deputies said it took a taser and two shots from a bean bag gun to bring him down.

Just an awesome story. I only have a hard time understanding how this guy even made it past one house. No way in hell this fat sack of shit rolls up to my crib and escapes with a solid donkey punch to the balls. I think I might even take it to the next level and yell jackpot and just completely freak him the fuck out to show he's not the only crazy on this side of town. Make him take a little walk on the wild side perhaps. A nude beast walks up with his twig and berries hanging then you gotta think he's challenging you to one up him in that situation and I would like nothing more than to take him up on his offer.

Kourtney Kardashian Is Preggers. Shoot Me.

A pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, who originally was keeping the baby daddy's name on the low down, blabbed his name on the "Today" show this morning. Scott Disick. The E! reality star and Disick split in February after she reportedly suspected him of cheating. But now they are reunited. Kourtney told "Today": "He's very excited. When I found out, I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do. He was so for it and so excited from the beginning. And we're really happy."How about marriage? "We'll see."In a bizarre case of perfect timing, Kourtney's new reality E! TV show "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami" premieres Sunday.

What the fuck? 12 hours ago I was on twitter telling her that she was my density. I mean my destiny. But I guess it's all for nothing now and I'm just some dumb asshole. I really don't see what this Scott character has to bring to the table. You wouldn't say he's got Tyler Durden type abs or a George Clooney esque stare. He's just some rich faggot who wears seashells on his swimming trunks and slicks his hair back because he's still holding onto some childhood infatuation with Pierce Brosnan in his 007 days. Yeah, I'm fucking bitter.

I Wish I Knew I Was Being Filmed Last Night

I mean with the way the Sox are playing lately can you really blame me for going balls to walls?

Man Gets 6 Months For Yawning

JOLIET, Ill. -- Drowsy spectators in one suburban Chicago courtroom might want to stifle their yawns from now on.Clifton Williams, 33, of Richton Park, is facing six months in jail for making what court documents call a yawn-like sound in Will County Judge Daniel Rozak's court last month. The yawn happened as Williams' cousin, Jason Mayfield, was being sentenced for a drug charge on July 23. Rozak found Williams in contempt of court and sentenced him to six months in jail. However, Rozak could free Williams after a status hearing Thursday, if Williams apologizes and the judge accepts. By then, Williams will have served 21 days. Witnesses disagree about whether Williams' yawn was out of line.Charles Pelkie, spokesman for the Will County state's attorney's office, said the prosecutor in the courtroom at the time told him that what came out of Williams' mouth could hardly be called a "yawn." "This was a very loud, boisterous, deliberate attempt on the part of this individual to disrupt the proceedings and show disrespect to the court," Pelkie said. "It was not a guy who involuntarily yawned. This guy was making a statement -- a very loud statement -- in court."

Wait. WHAT!? Is that legal? Remind me to not drink and eat a hearty breakfast before my next court date. I mean when you gotta yawn, you gotta yawn. I'm trying to think back and I don't think I've ever been able to control a yawn or not. And they say this guy wasn't just yawning, he was making a statement. I'm sure he was. All he was saying was that you're boring and you suck at your job. This doesn't do anything but make me terrified to be myself in the state of Illinois

When Did Tony Dungy Become God?

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- Tony Dungy believes Michael Vick will be back in the NFL this season, maybe even this week. He's still not saying where the 29-year-old free-agent quarterback will land -- or how many are interested. In a telephone interview with The Associated Press on Wednesday, Dungy said Vick will be working from a small list of teams because many do not want to risk a potential backlash from fans. "It's a complex issue," the former Indianapolis Colts coach said from his home in Tampa, Fla. "You have to get past the possible reaction of fans, and it has to be a team that has an opening and has [salary] cap room. I think Indianapolis would be a great place for him to develop as a person, but he's not a fit with that offense. It's going to be a lot like that." Dungy has been involved with prison ministries for years and now serves as Vick's personal mentor.

You might find it hard to believe but deep down I'm a big Dungy fan. Just like everyone in Boston has respect for Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, there's a soft spot for the old coach from Indy. First things first, he's just a genuinely nice guy. It takes a lot of balls go into prison and try to mentor some of the most fucked up human beings in America. People helping people. The gods will eat that shit up. I'm not saying Vick doesn't deserve a second chance in the league but I'm getting real sick of him and Dungy hogging the headlines with the same super positive bullshit. One day he say's there are a lot of teams looking to sign and the next it's going to be difficult but still possible. Like how the fuck does he know everything? Is he some divine being sent to us? I feel like he's got something to hide by doing all of this for a piece of shit like Vick. Think about Morgan Freeman. You thought he was this huge humanitarian and great guy only to find out when he got in a car accident he was with his lady of the night. I'm just saying when it's all said and done and the church shine wears off of this guy and we find he was busy humping Phil Jackson's daughter every easter, I'll be the guy in the corner saying I told ya so.

We're Back!!

If I'm anyone in the league then I am fucking terrified right now. The Sox just got their fucking swagger back bitches. No more taking bases. you hit us and you're gonna get pistol whipped. I just hope Beckett doesn't get a piece of Detroit because then we're going to see the revolution all over again.

You PYT!

I think people should start referring to her as the cy young because this bitch is always throwing the high cheese. Even Youk doesn't have to quick hips or bat speed to catch up to what she's constantly hitting us with.

Bring a Sword To a Knife Fight.

NEW HAVEN, Conn. -- A Connecticut teenager has been sentenced to seven years in prison for a sword attack on a Wallingford man who later died in a hospital from pneumonia. New Haven Superior Court Judge Richard Damiani said Monday that 18-year-old Christopher Sunbury of Southington was "morally responsible" for Shane Smith's death, despite the medical examiner being unable to conclude the slashing was the direct cause of death. Sunbury was convicted of first-degree assault as part of a plea bargain. He told the judge he took responsibility for his actions and was sorry.Police said Sunbury slashed Smith with a 26-inch-long sword in August 2008 during a series of fights in Wallingford involving dozens of teenagers. Police say the fights began over insults to a 15-year-old girl.

I don't know what the expected outcome was supposed to be of this fight or duel, if you will. Usually when my opponent pulls out a sword I tend to step back and ask him to pump the brakes a little and that things obviously escalated way too quickly. This story just leaves me wanting to ask so many questions. Like what do they mean he got slashed during a series of fights? Was this some sort of fight club or dungeons and dragons played to the max? And who's the guy who allowed the sword in battle? But here's the kicker. All of this over insults to a 15 year old girl. I'm just happy our 18 year old guys have their priorities in line because there is nothing more worth fighting for than the honor of a 9th grader.

I'm So Over Love.

Call me over dramatic or whatever but I think it's going to be a struggle to even clinch the wild card this year. Tampa is way too good of a team to write off this early and we can surely kiss the fucking AL east goodbye. If a 4 game beat down doesn't tell you that then I don't know what will. The bottom line is when you get stellar pitching out of your starters the past 3 games and can't even muster up 6 hits then we got some real fucking problems. I mean I love the sox but have they ever really loved me back? I think that's a question that all of us are asking ourselves on this very night.

NHL Offseason News

Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane, the top overall pick in the 2007 NHL draft, was arrested early Sunday morning in Buffalo, N.Y., and charged with robbery and other counts following an altercation with a cab driver in his hometown. The 20-year-old Kane and his cousin, James M. Kane, 21, were taken into police custody at about 5 a.m. ET after allegedly punching the driver and taking $15 in fare they had given him after he said he didn't have 20 cents in change, a police report says. Police say the cousins apparently caught a cab from the city's downtown nightclub district at about 4 a.m. Sunday.Buffalo police spokesman Michael DeGeorge says the cab driver suffered cuts to his face and his glasses were damaged after being struck in the face and head. Both Kanes were charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor counts of theft of services and criminal mischief.

This is why I hate the NHL. Their rookies have no class whatsoever. At least Maurice Clarett was riding around with a shotty and a bottle of goose when he went ape shit. Think ahead, be smart. Hockey players are fighters, so this guy probably didn't even stand a chance. I almost feel like he should have pulled his cabby glock on them. If you are making millions of dollars and freaking out over $0.20, you have anger issues. I'm sorry Mr. DeGeorge. Just know this Kane, a fireball by the name of Sean fucking Avery is about to unload the paintrain on your jaw in the first game of the season. Face.

Remember When I Had Some Sort Of Direction In My Life?

http://mutualuniversity.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-nl-squad.html


I might be wrong on everything lately but I was looking at the standings this morning and it brought back a special time in my life. When I called out in spring training that my boys from San Fran were gonna bring the noise this year. Well, they're sitting pretty on top of the NL wildcard race. Not bad for a team built around youth. Oh, and Sandoval is having a breakout year. I guess all hope is not lost for this little soldier right here.

I Got a Feeling Smoltz Isn't Going To Make It To October.

Hey Tito, cut the shit. Seriously. Just fucking cut the shit. I didn't even need to watch this game last night to know the outcome. Old man river got absolutely smacked around by a good Yankee team. But for some reason, the sox keep coming up with excuses for this sad sack of shit. They say he's got good stuff and it's just a matter of location. Well I'm here to say fuck that. His shit stinks. I can smell that stench from here to the mississippi. It's obvious that Boston was hoping he had some life left to cling to like Schilling but even he wasn't a 42 year old bald man coming off of major shoulder surgery. I'm just saying there comes a time when everyone just has to stop and cut their losses and today is that day.

The System Is Down. How Will I Know What Jimmy Fallon Eats For DInner?

NEW YORK -- Twitter is down. For users of the short messaging site, this means no tweeting about lunch plans, the weather or the fact that Twitter is down. The company said in its status blog Thursday morning it is determining the cause and will provide an update shortly. The status blog lets users know about planned outages and other issues on Twitter. This outage was not planned.
I really don't know what is going to happen today. I can't even fathom the thought of society not sharing useless shit with one another every 30 minutes. In that case, I'm going to list my tweets for the day.

9:21- Woke up doped up. Took a major long dookie. Lookin a little like Don King this morning.

10:00- Looked at my texts from the other night. Apparently Mindy from the shore want's to know if I could get those tickets to the concert from my cousin, the drummer from ACDC.

10:05- Just sent out apology notes to everyone for starting a forest fire with a sausage pizza and taking in a stray cat which turned out to be a raccoon in the morning which then infected 12 of my friends with rabies.

10:45- Found some old episodes of NYC prep and One Tree Hill on the DVR. Heyoooooo. All I need now is a bag of tampons. What?

11:03- @EliManning Hey man I was just wondering how it felt to be such a talentless piece of shit and still be one of the highest paid cunt buckets in the league? Let me knowwww

11:51- @MichaelJJackson Just wondering when you were gonna come to hartford to perform. Oh. Wait. Get better soon? Nope.

11:55- Just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I'll come runnin to see you again.

11:57-Saw a girl who looked like a mix between Hayden, Jessica Simpson and Tom Brokaw. Catchin' a glimpse of these warlocks. Pce Fuckers.

Eli Can Now Afford That Nose Job.

ALBANY, N.Y. -- Eli Manning has agreed to a new six-year, $97.5 million contract extension with the New York Giants that will make him among the highest-paid players in the NFL with an average salary of roughly $15.3 million, a source told ESPN senior NFL analyst Chris Mortensen. A person close to the talks who asked not to be identified says Manning is guaranteed $35 million under the deal that will keep him with the Giants through the 2015 season, The Associated Press reported. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because the deal was not signed and had not been announced.

It's no secret that I hate Eli Manning. Always have, always will. I hate him, his brother, and his gay father. I think even Giants fans have a hard time warming up to him just for that basic fact that he always look like he couldn't give two shits about anything on the field. He's good but he's not that good. I mean he's not worth 15.3 million bones a year. I understand that he won a Superbowl MVP but it's a widely known fact that the Patriots lost that game more than that little bastard won it. It just pisses me off when people talk about him being in the top 3 QB's in the league. If you want to step to this and argue with me that Eli is even half the player that a Tom Brady is then you're going to come out a bloody and tarnished man. I don' even think he's the best in the NFC East. He's average at best. He's no real game changer that would command that sort of high contract. You just gotta look at his numbers to understand that

Return Of The King

Remember that Entourage episode where Ari Gold came running back into Vince's life with the zeal of a 1000 warriors? Have I been 100% committed to the blog lately? Absolutely not. Sorry, I was busy being awesome. But now I've returned to once again habitually bring the fucking noise. To be honest, I spent some time checking out these new blogs that popped up and they just didn't have what it takes to be the best blog this side of the mighty Farmington. I was even out on the town one evening and this fat kid from my physics class last year told me I just didn't have it anymore. Told me I was dry and unwilling to adapt. In his drunken stupor he probably thought I would forget about his spineless comments. Well let me say this you dumb asshole. In the past few weeks I have been to the cape and back, I talked to chinese restaurant owners who were struggling to make ends meet due to the lack of drunk kids on friday nights. I've loved and I've lost. I went 6 -0 on Fight Night last sunday and I can't remember the last time I lost a game of beer pong. I was getting in touch with the American dream and now I can confidently say I'm coming back a a man who is refreshed, reinvented, mildly retarded.

I'm Such a Dumb Asshole

BALTIMORE -- Newcomer Victor Martinez had a career-high tying five hits and four RBIs, Josh Reddick and Rocco Baldelli homered, and the Boston Red Sox reached season highs in runs and hits Sunday in a 18-10 rout of the Baltimore Orioles.

I keep reading my post from 3 days ago and wonder just exactly how drunk I was. How the fuck did I hate this trade so much? If being a man means growing a set and knowing when you're wrong then consider me Hercules right here. I mean not only can he play either of the corner infield positions but he fills in for the aging Varitek at his traditional position when his only creaky knees need a break. Oh, and he smacks the shit out of the ball. It's like he's everything we needed. I'm just in shock of how wrong I was. When it rains it pours, I guess. I feel so much like giving up.