From Paris With Love

This movie may as well have been your average romantic comedy. I feel as though "The Bounty Hunter" will have more believable action and certainly a better bad guy (even if it is Jennifer Aniston). I have no problems ruining the movie for you by giving you a simple play-by-play so as to not ruin your day by providing too many details about the movie itself.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, you may know him as King Henry VIII on "The Tudors", plays a youngster working for the US Ambassador in Paris named James Reece. Reece gets assigned to work with Charlie Wax (John Travolta), a top agent whose methods are the only thing more outrageous than his assumptions. Although a loose cannon at times, Wax basically discovers that Reece's newly announced fiance is actually a french terrorist and I'm pissed off I didn't see it coming. The bitch proposes to the guy in like the second scene, what the shit kind of woman proposes to a man and if you're thinking about the movie "Leap Year" right now then you have either not seen it or fully understand that Amy Adams was the bad guy in that movie as well. The best part is, Reece confronts his fiance at the end while she has a bomb strapped to her chest. He eventually shoots her in the head (finally ending the movie) but not until he is done crying to her about betrayal and how he still loves her... seriously? I would rather be subject to the pilot episode of Teletubbies than have to watch this again..... SOBER, which is why I have taken the liberty to come up with some sweet drinking rules to help wash this one down:

Drink...

... every time Reece speaks a different language than English
... every time Wax (Travolta) says any variation of the work 'Fuck' (i.e. Mother-fuckers)
... every time Reece says the name of his fiance, Caroline (he pronounces it Caro-leen and its enough to drive you to drink regardless)
... every time you see Reece's cell phone or the ring Caroline proposed to him with
... once you finally realize the movie is not about cocaine

And if you wanna pass out before the movie is over...

... CHUG every time Wax kills someone or some group of assassins

Old Dogs

Recently I worked up the courage to watch the film Old Dogs starring Robin Williams and John Travolta. For anyone who has seen Wild Hogs, this movie is surprisingly not similar at all, besides the fact that it’s a poor attempt for a bunch of has been actors trying to show their range by being in a family movie that is not animated by Pixar. Lets face it, by what I can only assume was overpaying the two leads for this movie, they only had enough money left in their budget for a supporting role by Seth Green, who isn’t even tall enough to ride on Space Mountain, and a brief cameo from the late Bernie Mac.

Photo courtesy of IMDB

This movie is basically about a couple of geriatric butt buddies who have always put their fast paced lifestyle and career in front of starting a family and slowing down. Without ruining the good parts, which is basically anytime something stupid happens to one of them because they are old and old people are dumb sometimes, they basically raise a couple of bastard children for two weeks and decide that maybe spray tanning in your mid 50s doesn’t lead to true happiness. In the end they start a family, so here are the drinking rules that I have established for this movie if you ever have to sit through this and you are trying to maintain interest:

Drink every time:

Dan (Robin Williams) acts like a pussy

Charlie (John Travolta) tries to be tight
Ralph White (Seth Green) acts jewish
The kids fuck something up

Amanda (Lori Loughlin aka Aunt Becky from Full House) is on screen

Chug every time you wish Martin Lawrence or Don Cheadle were cast instead

... And if you really wanna get fucked up, drink whenever there is a Japanese person in the scene...


On a scale of Spanglish to Billy Madison, this was between a Little Nicky and Click